My Truth: Has it set me free?

Wow. Let's start with the hardest shall we, the truth. 

As the cliche goes, the truth will set you free. In most cases this is true. Yet the journey to the truth can be what gives it purpose. That journey can be a maze of self exploration that can leave you feeling anything but free. I am on that journey.

Like I mentioned in my first post in this blog, my truth seems sometimes like justified lies, to myself. I can say I am this, because this happened to me. And in the next moment dismiss that thought saying you choose who you are, and what you do. 

I remember in nursery. One of my earliest memories was of us in the group played dress up. Some boys dressed like posted or police officers. I dressed up as a princess. I can remember the soft voice of the teacher say as she knelt down to me; 'This dress is for girls sweety'. I can remember saying back to her 'yes but I like to wear it'.

Quite a courageous thing for a youngling to say. Words I'm struggling to say to anybody else right now as an adult.

My sister and my cousin would dress me in their clothing, put makeup on me. Its seen as a normal part of growing up. An innocence against society. An isolation from judgement, mostly from ourselves. It is seen as just being young. 

Now gets to the parts where my real truth is let out. I, for the most part, accept and I have my head around the troubles that I feel shaped my identity.

While distanced slightly from it when I was young, my mother and father had a really unhealthy relationship. He was quite controlling, cruel and petty. Not necessarily to me, but to my mother. She told me later that she knew he was gay quite early into the marriage. It was the resentment he felt for himself that created a cruel exterior. He was going through his own journey, it's how he dealt with it that was toxic, not the fact that he was gay.

This is where talking about my father has been quite difficult. When I was eleven  it was revealed that he was in possession and distribution of less than legal photos, as with the filters on this site I'll let you figure out of what. The computers he owned were seized, he was found guilty and rightfully so, he went to jail. 

As my mum had done her best to protect us we knew vaguely what he had done, yet as a youngling we didn't really understand.

It was in my mid twenties memories surfaced. I knew from them memories that pictures of me must have been on that computer. I withdrew. Anxiety and mild depression ripped my life apart. 

I've only ever told that to one other person. To the rest I must seem just a mess. 

I say now that you can't control what affects you, but I also say to myself you can do what you achieve. It's quite the contradiction to have yourself spiralling in chaos and both in control. Yet this is being human I guess. 

After he was realeased I guilted and manipulated by him a handful of times into staying in contact with him. I was torn between my mum saying he was a bad man and being just a boy that wanted a father. After meeting with him a few time I realised that he was doing this as a game. Me and my sister sat sobbing in McDonalds as he manipulated us during the divorce. 

I have never seen him since that day. Nor do I want to. It is in a way heartbreaking. I had a father, who could now listen to me. Give me the answers to my own sexuality possibly telling me of his own struggled. Yet he had been nothing but a nightmare to our family. This post is the most times in my adult life I've called him dad. It's just the truth. I believe now though that title must be earned. It certainly wasn't earned my next father figure.

I would dress in my sister's and my mother's dresses, skirts blouses even knickers, when home alone. (What crossdresser cannot say they did just this) I was found out a few times by various family members. Yet I always maintained that I was in control. Was I really? 

My mother's next husband was as abusive as the first, just in a different way. He beat my mum, often drunk and high. He called me various different slurs for gay, even without ever having proof. Well before this next thing happened. 

I was once thrown out of the house as on my laptop my parents had found pictures and stories of crossdressing fantasies. Nothing illegal mind you, just a little bit more than softcore. I mean at that time I was going through pubety. I'm not sure to be honest if that was normal for my age. it wasn't illegal.

It wasn't just crossdresser material I was looking at. I was looking at stuff considered "normal" for my age too, lesbians, heterosexual sex etc. It was my way of exploring. My step-dad fixated on the "sissy" stuff, of course he did. He seen himself as an alpha male. To him my preferences were disgusting and perverted.

It was a closed mind like this which fueled my desires even more. I was in a way rebelling against someone obviously homophobic. It's funny because at that time I was the same as I am now. Unsure of which way I am. 

I could have come out then, if only I had of had that same courage I had as I did in that nursery. I however eventually said that the crossdressing stuff was just ads on the other pages. I'm actually, truthfliked them. I remember that I would only fantasize about boys I was dressed as a girl.

I now live alone. I can order pretty outfits and fun toys to explore my desires more. Yet I am still conflicted. I have denied my exploration into my desires and sexuality as a similarity to a father I don't want. I have the words of my step-dad as he berated me. I have a mother who I fear will see me as my father if I come out as anything but straight. I don't know if I am simply a crossdresser, I am straight, I'm gay or even if I want to go further and transition. I just know the truth that I don't have my pride yet. 

My last truth is arguably my biggest. It has been an Everest of an issue one that just adds to my issues surrounding me being my truest self. I have never had sex with a man or woman, I am a virgin. I tell myself that this shouldn't be an issue necessarily but it does little to fill my confidence in knowing what I want. I mean without having the courage to explore for India Columbus wouldn't have found the new world, if you can follow that analogy. 

This site has become important to me as it's allowed me to find myself. I mean I can lose myself in the fantasies and kinks. Sure I upload photos and posts for attention. (I mean isn't a little attention what we are all here for.) I find that writing this blog has given me insight into why Im the way I am, for better or worse. 

The truth is that life is messy. Life is about taking one wobbly step in a heel back before taking two fabulous steps forward. I'm just hoping that by being truthful to who I am. I can walk with a little more pride.

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