OK. Genesis is the oldest book and thats why Phil Collins is bald and a grandfather. In the beginning it was dark. God created the heavens and the earth and then he created light. Bit stupid really. I'd create light and then the heavens and the earth so I coould see what I was doing. I suppose that explains why Hampshire is such a mess. Anyway, he then made man from the soil and breathed life into him. Then he did landscaping and made the Eden Project in Cornwall with a big tree in the middle.
After a while God saw man (Adam) was wanking too much so made a woman to get jiggy with. He warned Adam about eating apples which is a bit weird because they're supposed to keep the doctor away. Maybe cos God hadn't created doctors at this point and didnt want to have to make them so they could stay away in the first place but I dont know really. Its all a bit sketchy.
So, this snake told Eve (the woman) to make Adam eat the apple and after much wailing and nagging Adam did it for a bit of peace and quiet and God went apeshit. No more naturist parties after that and they used some fig leafs to cover their bits.
Then God grabbed the snake and said 'you little fucker. from now on you'll crawl on your belly forever' which the snake didnt mind cos he had no legs anyway.
Later on Adam and Eve had two sons, Cane and Abel. Abel was a bit of a brown noser and Cane got pissed off with him so battered him in a field one day and pretended he didnt know where Abel was.God knew he was bullshitting and so told him to fuck off out of Eden so Cane went to live in the land of Nod down the M65.
Next bit was Noah. He went a bit mad and started building a big boat called an Ark in the middle of the desert.Noah obviously had a tip off about global warming and built the boat and put loads of animals in it like a floating safari park. Then it pissed down for 40 days like British summertime and everyone but Noah and his family and the animals drowned.
Next instalment....Abraham in and out of t'Egypt.
try walking a mile in your enemies shoes....at the end of the day you have new shoes and a head start on him
