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Prizes to be Won - Your Boozy Bloopers in Honour of St. Patrick's Day

8:56 am Thursday, 16th March, 2017

It's giveaway time again. Comment below and tell me the daftest thing you have done when drunk, to be in with the chance of winning a prize. Winners will be selected at random from the best answers on Monday 20th March 2017.

I don't particularly get crazy anymore after a night on the sauce, but I do wish that the internet came with a breathalyzer because, a few days after a boozy evening, a parcel will arrive. These mystery packages have become stuff of legend amongst my friends and are simply referred to as gifts from 'Drunk Maria'. Sometimes for my pals, but usually for 'Sober Maria', these plastered presents have gotten even weirder as I have aged. From 'Grow Your Own Loofah Kits' to egg slicers and comedy chopsticks, to matching outfits for me and my dog (yikes), the tipsy treats keep on coming. There will always be one gift that stands out the most:

Getting home from work one afternoon I see a box innocently waiting for me. Recollections of a night quaffing cheap, nasty dark rum and throwing some crazy shapes on a dance floor come flooding to the forefront of my mind. Ah-ha! This must be from Drunk Maria.

I open the box to reveal what looks like very expensive golden condom wrappers. Did I pull? Do I have a date coming up? Could Drunk Maria have actually bought something useful? Nope! This woman had delved into the deepest, darkest recesses of drunken online shopping to buy me... 24 single use monocles! Just what I always wanted.

You would think that after working here for a while. Drunk Maria would have bought me something remotely sexy by now. Ah well, maybe next time.... Now where is that rum?!

Anyway, I am sure your tales are far more entertaining. I could have talked about the time I fell into a really big hole in the road with two bottles of strawberry liqueur whilst perving over a bunch of topless Spanish builders, but since I hadn't even started on the booze, I thought it didn't count. 

Can't wait to read your stories. And don't worry, the monocles are not the prizes 😉

M xx

 78 people like this



Comments
10:27 am Thursday, 16th March, 2017

There was the time at a local club when I drank way too much and was eventually thrown out by one of the bouncers, no big deal, it happened a lot back then.  The first mistake I made was to tell him he was a wanker, he wasn't pleased and told me to bugger off before something happened.  The second mistake was I challenged him to make me.  I didn't know he was a karate expert until his foot was sitting on top of my head.  No big deal except I am five foot 11 and was still standing at this stage.  That's when I knew I was in trouble and also the last thing I remember for a bit.  When I came to I thought it best I went home which wasn't that far a walk from the club.  So I spent about the next half an hour playing ricochette rabbit of the kerbs going up my street until I came across a bicycle lying in the gutter.  About ten feet in front of it was a guy also lying in the gutter and he was sound asleep.  "What a good idea" I thought and promptly lay down about ten feet further on and slept like a baby.  When I woke in the morning with a screaming hangover and a black eye from the bouncer earlier in the night I stood up and realised I was directly outside my own house.  The dude on the bike was gone, no idea when that happened but I was home sort of safe and sound.  Hope you like this, probably not my best story of stupid but it was the first one that popped into my head when I read your post.
😱😱😱😱

 6 people like this

10:53 am Thursday, 16th March, 2017

I have a sister who was half my age when i was 6 years old.I am now 55 , how old is she ????

 1 people like this

11:26 am Thursday, 16th March, 2017

Hehehe! I'm really going to enjoy these. Already giggling 😂

 1 people like this

12:29 pm Thursday, 16th March, 2017

I don't drink  but .I got caught having sex with a woman in bed and her mum  wlak in the room as I was cuming 

1:28 pm Thursday, 16th March, 2017

💞

3:19 pm Thursday, 16th March, 2017

The thing that I find most funny rather than weird when drunk. I sent when I was 18 coming home from a Christmas party at around 6am and completely forgetting we had a member of family staying. Well I was sobered up by someone slapping me saying you dirty little bastard .....I I'd got in bed and thought it was ..? Yes with my nan !! Lol 

 1 people like this

4:18 pm Thursday, 16th March, 2017

On a friday afternoon (back in 2007) about 10 of us...all mates..decided that we were going up to the river water skiing for the weekend. Within an hour..we were all at the pub choosing what

5:52 pm Thursday, 16th March, 2017

Well here it is. I moved to Las Vegas when I was 25. Staying with my brother. The first weekend I was there everyone decided to throw me a party. My old friend Jack Daniels was there, a fifth. Bottle was about half empty when someone said to me, 'Bet you can't down the rest'. Well I could and did. The next thing I remember I woke up naked in the bathtub. Looked around for my clothes which were not there. As I gained focus I realized I was not at my brothers house. The homeowner came in the bathroom and asked if I was ok. I said yes and asked where I was. He laughed and his wife came in. They said they were watching TV and I staggered thru the door naked and went in the bathroom and puked in the toilet. Said I was hot and turned the cold water on and rolled over in the tub. When I passed out they turned the water off and called my brother. It was decided to let me sleep it off in the tub. Then told me I had to walk home naked....

I was glad to see he was joking and my brother had dropped off my clothes. At least thier house was on the same street. But that hangover lasted all weekend. And the 4 house walk home was hell. 

 3 people like this

7:01 pm Thursday, 16th March, 2017

Once got so drunk at Duncan bannatynes hotel that I decided that a friend should use three rolls of toilet paper and turn me into a minion as I ran back into a friends wedding shouting I'm bob I forgot bob and decided to be a ghost buster that free bar wasn't clever lol esp when a couple was viewing the venue and I feel over the leather sofas onto them 

 2 people like this

7:13 pm Thursday, 16th March, 2017


Have had many incidents but one that my friends enjoy recount. When 17 one of our friends had a party and like kids of that age had not yet found my stop button, I really over indulged ended walking 6 mile round trip home when I only lived 200 yard from the party.
Till this day we haven't worked out how I did it but it took me nearly 3hrs to get home  😂😂😂

 2 people like this

8:55 pm Thursday, 16th March, 2017

I am not satisfied with him at all. She also if I would satisfy her, she would be mine. I replied her then you have already become mine. She has removed my t-shirt and vest. She was great at sex. She started licking my nipples I don’t know how I was feeling like I was in clouds. Wow…Slowly she removed my pants and started stroking my penis with her hands, later she has started blow job with the mouth. In between, she started massaging my penis in between her both boobs. What a silky touch it was. I removed her petticoat and lingerie. Her vagina is pinkish with no hair. I like a shaven pussy. It would be great to lick and taste. I started finger fucking her. Started licking her g spot and pussy entrance. She was in heavens and started breathing heavily. She is moaning huh huh…mmmm..mmmm … do not stop… huh.huh.huh…. She crushed my head tightly in between her thighs. She had her orgasm but I did not stop went on within minutes she had her second orgasm and asked me to climb on her. I was on top of her with our lips locked and slowly I have inserted my penis in her pussy. It was a perfect fit and I started jerking back and forth. In **** minutes she orgasms 3rd time and I have released my semen in her vagina after 5 more minutes and relaxed on top of her. She took my penis and started blow job again. It’s rock hard again and I started heavenly feeling again and told I am about to release semen. She did not stop and I have released in her mouth itself. She tasted it and swallowed it completely. Later on, whenever her husband goes out we had lots of fun and enjoyed naked togetherness.

9:55 pm Thursday, 16th March, 2017

Too many to mention. But here's a couple.

1. I was so drunk after a boozy nightclub session, staggering home, when I saw some balloons in a tree in someone's garden. Well I wanted them. So I went into the garden and climbed the tree. 

Well, being so sozzled I ended up hanging from a branch, frantically trying to grab the balloons. It was only after five minutes or so when I turned and saw the front window of the house.

The balloons must have been there to let people know there was a party at the house. There was a window full of party goers pissing their sides at a half cut orangutan swinging from a tree.

Never did get the balloons.

2. Got drunk at university and thought that it would be fun to scare the shit out of one of my friends in the accommodation block. It was an old building so you could easily break into rooms.

I broke in around 1am. And hid inside his wardrobe. He was still out drinking.

I didn't hear him come in, because I'd fallen asleep. And I only woke up at 3pm the following day when he opened the wardrobe to get his sports gear.

So I did get to shit him up. But he scared me as much as I did him. Because I'd forgotten that I'd gone into the wardrobe in the first place.
🍻🍻

 3 people like this

10:04 pm Thursday, 16th March, 2017

My daft thing was walked into my motherlaws bedroom.in naked bollocks hanging out thinking she was her daughter lol😅😅

 1 people like this

11:17 pm Thursday, 16th March, 2017

The only time a was really drunk, I lost track of the events. I do not remember anytging cos i as drunk

1:12 am Friday, 17th March, 2017

I was coming from a party drunk on my ass 2 am only one on I75 North all of a sudden I feelt in grabbed a bag thank God it was there  & center lane bag in lap eyes on road then 3 times barf .All in bag  I looked around rolled down the window got rid of it ah good times 22  yrs old 

1:33 am Friday, 17th March, 2017

Well, being a Master, you have to sometimes out do yourself.  Took my sub from FL to GA to meet a rich couple that lived on the water.  We were all drinking Crown Royal.  The girls were dressed so sexy, guys were just guys.  After being pretty drunk, we played darts.  NOT my best game. Well, it was my turn and the hostess, was near the board and retrieving her darts.  These were real, metal tipped darts.  I told her I am going to toss one at you, and she said, I dare you and in an instant, I shot the dart, straight into her upper arm,  Everyone was stunned, even me, as the blood dripped down her arm.  The dart hanging from her arm was in about a half inch, and my sub rushed over to her to take it out.  Thought I was in trouble, but we ended up going down to their boat dock. The tide was out, it was all muddy, very very muddy, nasty dark muddy.  Again, I was dared to jump in it, so I did, oh my gosh, like quick sand, almost couldn't get out, was in it up to my neck, have pictures of all this but can't post on here.  Then, had an idea.  I reached up and grabbed the guys wife by her ankle and yup, pulled her into the mud, with her hot clothes on and all!  Then pulled my sub in and tried to get her hubby but he was cracking up taking the pictures that I have.  Next, the clothes came off, and it was titties and muddy and dirty hair and fun fun fun.  Never done anything like it since.  After about half an hour of playing in the mud and grabbing the girls and massaging them with mud, and no matter how hard I tried to get the hubby in, which didn't happen, it was time to rinse off.  We were all drunk, laughing, hosed off, got in the hot tub, had sex, left the hot tub for the bedroom and had sex and then let the girls put strap ons on themselves and the hubby and I posed with asses in the air while they acted like they were doing us from behind with these huge dildos.  The pictures were insane, we then had sex till sun up and it was the most fun I think I ever had drunk in my life.  The guys wife died last year and I just found that out, but we saw them many times after that and this was just one of the funniest times we had, but we always had a blast doing absurd things.  Happy Saint Pat's Day!😍

2:03 am Friday, 17th March, 2017

My most embarrassing moment I went to a party en femme and my arch nemesis was there well I decided maybe me and tequila had made up nope the next thing I remember I was waking up in bushes on the side of the road about halfway in between our house a good 15 20 K walk and was butt naked I tried to walk back to his because hes used to drunk maddi getting naked but ended up getting picked up by the cop about 10 minutes later I was on kangaroo island and the odds of seeing the cops on the side of the island I was on is next to none I ended up being arrested for drunk and disorderly public nudity evading police and attempted assault (apparently pulling out of a cops grip is assault) anyway I was put in the drunk tank and given clothes and had to wait for my mate to come bail me out to this day my clothes have never been found

 1 people like this

4:33 am Friday, 17th March, 2017


Sure I was drunk, was slipped a number of Mickey's! Theses are Guy's I trust with life & visa versa ????. When I say Guy's, girls too! This was my reward for leaving!
Stripped naked, taken up in a plane, pushed out with no parachute! 2 naked girls came after me & one lady managed to help me cum down! That night was between us!

4:49 am Friday, 17th March, 2017

I was 20 in a nightclub very drunk and Stripped and gave my clothes away to win a rubbish t-shirt

 1 people like this

7:15 am Friday, 17th March, 2017

After a few drinks an ex and myself decided to play with the baby oil.Having put a plastic sheet on the bed I thought it would be a good idea to do my best superman impression.I slid straight off the other side of the bed and broke my wrist on the radiator.

 2 people like this

7:53 am Friday, 17th March, 2017

hi when drunk like to meet new people also if anyone need help will help you also but will be in limit so that anyone not get hurt from me. 

8:55 am Friday, 17th March, 2017

Too much drinking gives fun also. ..one night was so drunk....came back to my apartment.   ...took the lift. .....reached 4th floor. ...pushed the door bell. .....door opened. ..slipped inside. .........whole night was wildly fucking two ladies. ........didn't know y... ....when I woke up in the morning. ....was stunned to see a mother nd her daughter sleeping beside me. ...they were my neighbours. ..........wow feeling

9:44 am Friday, 17th March, 2017

I had sex with my girls best friend and caught.
😭

12:46 pm Friday, 17th March, 2017

I'm not a smoker but I do smoke when I get drunk.

3:35 pm Friday, 17th March, 2017

A night of random bar hopping and chance encounter with this lovely red haired girl.  A few more drinks and back to her place where it can only be described as a blurred event. In the morning there we were covered with some food condiment.  Sheets covered in it. Not remembering we laughed.. took a shower building up the fever and returned to having sex. Left and made plans to meet again but never occurred. 

4:04 pm Friday, 17th March, 2017

the daftest and funniest thing I have done is when I was so drunk walking home a woman stopped me to chat .we got talking and ended up getting naughty in public .next thing you know we had a couple be watching us from a distance recording us on the their phone it .turned out it was a friend of mine but they didn't know it was me and still don't lol .it was great fun I would do it again lool

7:21 pm Friday, 17th March, 2017

i came home from clubbing when i was younger and you know the plastic traffic bollards leading on to a roundabout i was so drunk i sat on it at about 4 in the morning and woke about 11 the next day traffic had been driving by me all day and i was oblivious to it all. ah well good times

7:51 pm Friday, 17th March, 2017

My story Wating to for a fuck with sexy female

8:13 pm Friday, 17th March, 2017

Got so drunk and was staying at a friends house and she pulled and gave 
me the house key I wondered bacan to her house thinking how do I get in forgetting I had the key A freezing cold frosty night so I got in to a banger racer her son had and slept freezing cold until she came home at 9 am. Only to find the key in my pocket when I got in 

8:26 pm Friday, 17th March, 2017

Ty

9:11 pm Friday, 17th March, 2017

Got drunk in Baltimore next morning woke up in a fraternity home in George mason university in Fairfax 

10:20 pm Friday, 17th March, 2017

Got soooooo drunk I fell over and broke my butt, fracture of the tail bone..

10:43 pm Friday, 17th March, 2017

I'm drunk and make sex with 3 ladies that I pay for their service..Wild like animals

2:33 am Saturday, 18th March, 2017

I got drunk last night and when I woke at half one was naked in bed and found my pjs in the lounge not very funny but thought it was at the time 

4:10 am Saturday, 18th March, 2017

i never drunk 

11:14 am Saturday, 18th March, 2017

Jayne had to much to drink at a party in a pub and woke up in the early hours of the morning in pub's rose bushes in the garden. From the on the rose bushes were known as Jayne's Rose bushes.

 1 people like this

12:30 pm Saturday, 18th March, 2017

I was so drunk at my girlfriend mum's party that I woke up in bed with her mum and my girlfriend. And don't remember enything. 

5:40 pm Saturday, 18th March, 2017

Sex always tastes good when am not drunk.....😀
I ended up in others bed even when am not drunk.

7:37 pm Saturday, 18th March, 2017

I don't drink beer

9:27 pm Saturday, 18th March, 2017

whilst stationed in germany I went home with this nice lass, both of us were four sheets to the wind and end up in the shower making naughty prints on the glass screen, anyway later that morning I wake up and she's giving my cock a good seeing too, and I notice she has a cute butterfly tattoo, then I passed out. fast forward mid morning, I wake up, stood to attention 😉 and we start at it again, only this time, no butterfly tattoo, I enquire about it thinking it was a temp, and she says her twin sister has a butterfly tattoo and that it wasn't the first time they'd shared. best six month posting I ever had 🍻

6:07 pm Sunday, 19th March, 2017

aaa...the daftest thing that i did being drunk
and off course i smoked also and then everything changed i was
completely out of sense and can't differentiate between fiction and reality for
an instance i was scared to sit under the fan as i thought it were the blades
of a chopper and it would kill me 😰🤓I spoke to a pole on the street thinking it as a
girl  🤦
drove my car for hours on highway without starting the car's engine

😭
i peed on the wash basin of a restaurant
snatched food from others plate cracked jokes that would never make sense ✌️👌ran after a street dog🐶negotiated with a policeman for not putting me
behind the bars🚓👮and later i passed out the next morning i was on
my bed with no idea of how i reached their and promised myself of never ever
trying it again.... 😬😬🙈🐵but after someday...something
happened...again...🤐🤐so i want to thank my friends for bringing me home safely
each and every time

👅

11:02 am Monday, 20th March, 2017

Hi guys. Had a great time reading your answers. Competition is now closed and the winners are in the process of being selected. Good luck and thanks to everybody who entered. 

11:55 am Monday, 20th March, 2017

Time for the winners everybody. Drum roll please...

Congratulations to:
Northernred891
Declanthegent
MasterChuck
SometimesRachel

Your boozy bloopers have earned you some amazon vouchers so you can buy goodies for your sober selves. My advice, stay away from the monocles! 

We will contact you via the email registered to your account to award your vouchers. 

Enjoy! x 

4:25 pm Monday, 20th March, 2017

Thank you so much for my voucher 😉

 2 people like this

5:18 pm Monday, 20th March, 2017

Thanks for the vouchers! Will avoid the booze... I promise. Xxx

 2 people like this

1:08 pm Wednesday, 22nd March, 2017

My wildest story was at a night club on the California Coast, we were celebrating my friends Birthday, an I've had a few. Everybody there were having a great time, some strangers an so friends, it was a good mix. While I was sitting at the bar with my beat friend, this very attractive lady squeezed herself in between us, while starring at me an glancing back at my friend she said to me" I think you're cute"! I was flattered, an thanked her for the compliment, but much to my surprise, she wasn't finished expressing herself,an that's when I heard the words I'll never ever forget..." I'd love to suck your cock" you would've had to been there to see the look on my friends face when he overheard her!! My reply was " Where would this great idea take place"? She replied " right outside the door" which led to main street, but it actually was a good spot, because this small beach town rolls up the sidewalks at 8p.m. an were well past that. So, who am I to refuse such a spectacular gift, we rushed out an WOW...she really new what she was doing, didn't take very long at all, then she disappeared, an I never seen her again...still bummed out bout that, an really glad we didn't get caught!! lol😊

5:55 am Thursday, 23rd March, 2017

My friend left me before my apartment i was heavily drunk  and couldnt find my gate so i went upstairs for help i knocked and there was a milf standing at the door unintenitonly i touched her breasts and asked her to open my gate and promised her i ll be a gentlemen she agreed but as soon as  she opened the door i said i love you and kissed her she too went with the flow and guess what my first experience with an indian milf....

6:02 pm Tuesday, 28th March, 2017

Apply for this competion when it's closed 🙂

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