Chapter 12 - Wheels On Fire, rolling down the road.
Cars. Can't be arsed really and I've always hated clarkson. I'm the captain and the pilot, I don't need to know how it all works and if you start telling me I'll tune you out. I just need the good people who wear overalls to give me warp factor 10 when it's needed and for gawd's sake make sure the brakes work. Oh yeah and check the oil and stuff, wouldn't want to tell you your job I really hate it when they pull that stuff with me. You've heard of auto-erotic, dunno what it means and this chapter's neither. Instead of rattling off a killer sexy story that'd pull in a million likes and free membership for life I'm going to talk about cars.
If your memory serves you well then you'll surely know I only write about real-life experiences and my feelings towards them. And if you're still in the dark why are you starting at chapter 12? Dunno yet if I can write fiction but we'll find out when I run out of real stuff. If you were looking for fantasy then sorry, like a lost little lamb you've strayed into the non-fiction department by mistake. But it's OK, we've saved you some of your mum's mint sauce. Love a bit of lamb, it's the best meat when it's done right Lambo-o you see we're doing the car thing. I sent this blog to the autotrader website first but they werent sure what I was selling. Vintage model with loads left in the *ank.
I haven't owned a car for about 7 years and I don't want to. Got a company car when I'm at work, manage without rest of the time. I'll never afford insurance again, lost all me no-claims now. If I didn't drive for a living sure I'd miss having one. Had a thing for old BMs when I was young and owned a few. 528 in metallic green with the reverse sloping grille like a shark from 1986, top of the range when it was new. A few previous owners but still in good nick, paid a grand for it, it ran for about 4 years. And later on I had a 318 1997 plate in black looked great with nice wheels. Someone keyed the door after germany beat us in the world cup 2004 I think it was, still haven't caught up with them, the vandals or the germans. Would have loved to have one of those massive old ford granadas, never got around to it.
On the occasions that I saw him when I was young, my dad had a morris ancient marina. Don't remember much about it, the name more than anything, later he had an austin princess in orange, all the rage at the time what a crazy shape they were, and later still a big rover sd1, science fiction at the time. My first experience with electric windows, I couldn't leave em alone. He worked for british leyland or austin/rover or whatever they called themselves. My mum got by with a blue morris minor from the 60s, Lucy she was called, I remember Mum starting it with a starting handle more than once and I'm not kidding. She'd got Lucy from my Uncle, he had a pit in his garage that he often seemed to live in. More about him later.
Like Gary, in my car I like to feel safest of all, lock all of my doors at all times, except when a customer wants to get in. Colleague of mine got badly beaten a few years back, some random headcase just pulled open his door and started pummelling him. Obviously an extreme example, but ever been sat in your car minding your own business when someone's suddenly pulled open your driver's door with no warning? How incredibly rude. Tapping politely on the window is what evolved species do, unless you've prebooked this vehicle it's a private car. Maybe I'll go round your house and do the same with your front door.
Some people love cars, fair enough. At work I'm forever hearing things like Just over there (please) behind the A4. Don't think that road runs around here mate. Oh you meant the blue car or the red one, can't we just do colours? You know what one looks like because you've got one, not everybody has. Wouldn't expect you to know the track listing of all the Bowie albums. I thought you'd know they bleat incredulous, sorry forgot my crystal ball today. Do you have crystal balls No they're made of brass best leave it there I do this for a living let's just be nice to each other. In all fairness you've left it a bit late for us to stop safely with that nasty truck on my ass and I've not really got time to get my phone out to see what one looks like. Hey trucks are cool and I'm nasty sometimes, we all gotta drive summat.
It's the same with card payments in the car. Now we're in the future I have to ask Are you paying cash or card? I'm paying with my expensive mobile actually do people still pay cash? In my experience this query comes with an unpleasant snigger, let's all laugh at the cavemen. Yes mate it's about 50-50. When they say no-one carries cash these days do they really believe that sht? Just because you're in love with the fact that you never carry cash that doesn't mean everyone else embraces your lifestyle. Ooh I'm so modern. Why not get a big barcode tattooed on yer face so that we've all got yer number straight away, we won't need us fancy readers for that. Older people like me pay cash for things, get used to it till we're gone we're living longer these days. And please try to remember that if there's no internet signal then card payments are out and it's your responsibilty to provide an alternative method of payment. I might not want you to suck my dick. Choosing to pay via the information superhighway in an area where there's no signal is a bit shortsighted sweetheart, duh. Not your fault that we still don't have coverage everywhere but it sure ain't mine and I'm not the one relying on this sht, I can take cash. We have the technology.
Went to my Uncle's funeral a few weeks back with mum and sis, in a car. On the way back from Manc we sang songs that we used to sing in Lucy when we were kids. We'd visit me Auntie or Nana and Grandad's then come back over Belmont in the dark, mum and sis singing, me younger mostly listening. Old Pendle, Gillygilly Streets of London stuff like that. I think this was before car radios, or at least before we had one. I hadn't heard some of those old songs for years. Coming back from me Uncle's wake last month we sang and I teared up in the passenger seat after a few numbers and me voice broke. Blubbing like a softy I was, it's just as well we like pretending to be girls. It hurt but was so good to remember, you surely know. After the service I'd raised a good few glasses in the steelworkers club in memory and respect.
My mum's kid sister's husband he was, my Uncle was such a great bloke. Always a warm smile and a joke proper funny, think he was my introduction to comedy at a very early age and it's always been my thing. Only had one Auntie and Uncle apart from what we called the neighbours in those days, never knew me dad's family at all. Me Uncle with a screwdriver and a rag in his pocket, I remember him fixing a neighbour's fence after I'd crashed into it in me go-kart. I was scared to say owt, but one look at me face and he knew summat was up. No fuss at all, we walked down the road so I could show him the damage, he knocked politely at the neighbour's door and when there was no reply he just fixed the fence. Wish I'd had a dad like that.
There we are, and it weren't all big ends and tailpipes. The storystella does cars.
Love, Stella X
