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What have I got to do to get a really good shag in Lanarkshire?

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Ok, Im the first to admit I'm no Brad pit. I'm 45 a wee bit overweight, I like to please women (and the odd guy). Just looking for a female (or couple) who could help me re-kindle my somewhat depleted sex life. Not much I won't do or try. So surely there must be someone who can give me a hand (pun intended)?