Arch Villain Seeks Female Apprentice

As an untrustworthy cad of the highest order my hobbies include eating babies, never phoning my mother, and sneaking out in the middle of the night to plant weeds in other people's gardens. However, with meddling kids forever thwarting my schemes these days it's not easy plotting to take over the world, especially on my salary. Worse still, you wouldn't believe the red tape involved in arch-villainy as evil plans for world domination must be submitted to the patents office first, lest any rival arch-villains attempt to steal them. Therefore I am now seeking a female apprentice to assist my devious and dreadful plans, and to blame when my plots go awry as they invariably do.

For your part you don't need to be a leggy supermodel or have big things in front of you, although a firm bottom and a lack of facial hair would be advantageous. In return I promise not to beat you (much) and am prepared to offer all the cream crackers you can eat. Oh alright, I lied about beating you. Suffice it to say you will spend a lot of time across my lap with your knickers aroud your knees. Still, every job has its perks.

Alas, my last ruse - to force the world into submission by hiring a van with a tannoy, then driving around the car park next to the town hall playing Dolly Parton CDs at full volume - failed miserably as I inadvertantly chose the night the local line dancing society were meeting there. How was I to know their record player had broken and I was doing them a favour?

Nevertheless my time will surely come, so this is an exciting opportunity to join forces and become part of what will hopefully become my evil empire. The regular spankings will just be an added bonus. Feel free to drop me a line, but ensure your inbox is set to receive mail from all members as by default it isn't. I shall return your message as soon as I get back from the canal with this sack full of kittens.

What's that you say? Oh, boo to you too with brass knobs on. Probably.