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Swinging or Cheating

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I am new to this site and indeed to swinging. As a single female I have had a number of approaces from married men whose wives do not know what they are doing. I have politely rejected these as I feel this is cheating and not swinging. Am I right or is this normal?

Re: Swinging or Cheating

You´ve hit the nail on the head! These guys are just cheats and this has nothing to do with swinging!

As a woman I´d say stay well clear!

Re: Swinging or Cheating

Although a newbie on this site i am not a newbie to swinging.

Yes it is cheating if a married man has sex with another woman but does it without her knowledgeconsent. Some women (and couples) don't mind or don't care if the man they are having sex with is cheating on his wife, others do mind and don't do married man. Like so much in life, its down to individual preference.

Re: Swinging or Cheating

This one has had alot of mileage in Assisstance and Etiquette, Swingers Etiquette under the post of "How do you feel about a married man swinging alone?"
Some good perspectives on there about the swingingcheating thing.
Quite a definitive post from M3Guy to look out for.
img src="imagesadultemoticons004.gif"

Re: Swinging or Cheating

Men who cheat apear te see sex as a secretive compulsion and means nothing to them after the act and they do not see this as cheating...My partner tells me it has nothing to do with love of his partner but I feel if you help a cheat Then you are a cheat yourself.
A study tells us women prefer the truth good or bad from there partners and are more willing to forgive them for there mistakes.I agree on this..Lies cheats are bad news for any woman or man and no foundationin a relationship that has decided to swing..trust has to be paramount
Kate

Re: Swinging or Cheating

Have no idea whether or not this will help. Our first experiences were with a single girl, and then with a cpl. My hubs knew I fancied a spitroast and was happy to help me out (as it were!). Through a different website, we met up with a lovely guy who was married, and whose wife did not know. If what he told us was true, their sex life had ground to something of a halt, and he discreetly played around. He told us that he loved his wife very much and had no wish to leave or divorce her. However, he needed some sexual outlet, and found that meeting up with cpls worked for him.

We had a really nice evening, with no pressure, no problems, and he left without being asked.

Clearly, we have no way to verify what we were told (nor indeed any reason to doubt what he told us), but if he was being honest, then his activities harmed no-one.

I do feel that it is different for singles...at the end of the day, the concept of 'swinging' is essentially to do with cpls rather than singles......if you're not in a relationship, then how can you swing out of it...?

Much of it depends on you and your attitude to this lifestyle. You must be honest with yourself about your own motives and objectives, and equally you must feel that whoever you meet up with is honest in theirs. On the one hand, yes of course any extra marital sex without the knowledge of the other party is by definition cheating. There is no question about that, and no getting away from it. On the other hand, life is rarely that simple, and there are many shades of grey.... Soundbites never begin to tell the whole story....

Bottom line? if it feels right, fine. If it niggles even vaguely, then bale out as politley as you can.

Hope this helps!

Re: Swinging or Cheating

As suggested there are all shades of grey. I have a long term partner and we live singly in separate homes because we need our own space. Our sex life has ground to a halt. I know that she would not be best pleased to learn that I have had sex with other women but I do need that outlet and I only have sex with women who are seeking the same thing; some without their hubby's knowledge, some in open relationships. It is not a simple answer to the question.

Re: Swinging or Cheating

We don't think it's cheating as long it's you both know about it. Gem goes on cam all the time but she always tells me img src="imagesadultemoticons013.gif"

Re: Swinging or Cheating

Well I'm one of the cheaters, and I'm well aware it's cheating - my profile says I am married and I would never try to hide the fact. My sex life at home is non existent, I have tried for many years now to make it work, talking about it, suggesting things etc, but to no avail. My Wife even said that maybe I should find a lover a few times, but after the fourth time she told me, she added she didn't want to know about it or she could turn nasty. I have no option but to go behind her back, I think a helluva lot of my Wife, but I also have sexual needs and I can't spend the rest of my life living like a Monk.

Some people are more understanding than others - swinginesp can obviously see things from a different perspective than maybe a lot of married couples or single women. It's not always about having "a bit on the side".

I ask anyone judging married men cheating (or women because women do too) here to just try and imagine themselves married to someone they love a great deal but without any sex life for a moment - don't reply here, just think about what options you have...... If you are honest with yourself, the answer is none at all.

Re: Swinging or Cheating

Hmmmmm. Seems that this theme is running through most threads on the forum.
What seems to be a common train of thought is "I love my wife but she's not interested in sex so I go elsewhere and that keeps the family unit together because what I get keeps me happy and she doesn't know about it so she's happy"
OK. Lets suggest that she finds out. The proverbial shit hits the fan. She finds an email or a text message because you forgot to hide it and all of a sudden she has the ability to drag an unsuspecting innocent party into the situation. You go through the divorce courts under adultery and that third party is named. What was one night of fun turns into one year of nightmares. Its a hypothesis but it happens.
Personally I think every guy playing away is duty bound to be as open and as honest as the woman or couple he's playing with. Agreed sometimes desperation can fuzz the thought process and being honest seems to get you nowhere so the temptation to tell a 'white lie' may lead some to pretend they're single.
Think further ahead, play out every eventual outcome and when one iota of doubt exists give it a miss. Think of the swinging community as an exclusive club, honour bound with honesty and integrity as pillars.
Try the boot on the other foot.
The couple you played with whilst cheating split up because the female decides you are the man for her. She starts to contact you at all hours wanting sex and wanting you exclusively. She finds out where you live, where you work and every other detail (its easy to do). What's going to happen?
Again I'll say what I've said in other threads. How would you feel if you found out your wife wasn't interested in a sexual relationship with you but had been meeting people without you knowing? She wasn't interested because she was being taken care of by others on a regular basis?
Sometimes animal and basic instinct can override that part of our brain that gives us logic and reason and separates us from the animal kingdom.
It should be fun and recreational. Whenever a doubt exists or whenever you know for a fact the there is a chance someone will get hurt then I suggest its wrong.

Re: Swinging or Cheating

You are obviously a chap with plenty of experience in these matters and have raised some very valid points. But I'd like to add to it as you have taken the time to reply politely and logically. I found this excellent site whilst searching for extramarital affairs by the way so maybe the search engines aren't quite perfect either.

Yes, perhaps it is a "common train of thought" as you put it, but I have known wives in a similar position where she gets no sexual attention at home, so it can also be that the wife wants to keep the family unit together and keep her husband blissfully unaware, happy etc. In my case there is no family unit i.e. no children in this relationship.

I have indeed given thought to being discovered - as would any person (male or female) in a similar position. I've never had text issues as I have more than one mobile number so no "innocent party" could be named, but in theory yes I suppose if someone were stupid or careless then discovery is possible.

Perhaps you should have added that the women playing away are duty bound to be open and honest - unless of course it's OK for the woman to play away on the quiet.... Telling someone you are single when you are not is definitely so I agree there.

Having met and talked with one swinging couple, they are usually very secure together but both desire something "extra". I see a lot of ads from couples looking for a female to join them and indeed a few wanting a male. Now your boot on the other foot theory is good, but I think you have missed something. What if a couple find a single male or female to join them, suppose the female decides that the single male is the person for her, or the male decides that the single female is the one for him. Now you are dealing with single people with nothing to lose - just a thought. I was told that one golden rule is that there is never any contact unless both of the couple are together and I feel certain things have to be agreed in advance between the swinging couple and the 3rd person couple.

If my wife had or was having an affair and I discovered it, I would take the opportunity to develop an open relationship where we could both be 100% honest with each other, I grew out of jealousy many years ago so it would work.

Re: Swinging or Cheating

swinging is the activity you choose my opinion is if a married man is swinging there might be a valid reason
as in my case i have a wife with ms sex is impossible i need a lofe
alec

Re: Swinging or Cheating

Now your boot on the other foot theory is good, but I think you have missed something. What if a couple find a single male or female to join them, suppose the female decides that the single male is the person for her, or the male decides that the single female is the one for him. Now you are dealing with single people with nothing to lose - just a thought.


The whole point of the thread was whether someone who is married and playing away is cheating or not. If the 3rd party is single the whole point becomes irrelevant and not the issue under discussion

Whether its a male or a female swinging behind their partner's back.....comme ce comme ca....there is no difference in the eyes of the majority of the swinging community......its still seen as cheating because there is the element of dishonesty. If a couple chose to meet a single person then no one is being deceived.

Re: Swinging or Cheating

Dear U r absolutely right it is pure cheating not a swingingimg src="imagesadultemoticons014.gif"

Re: Swinging or Cheating

Thanks for your reply but can I start by saying that the reasoning behind me addressing the whole issue as if it were a male and not female cheating is that the post began with the quote:

As a single female I have had a number of approaches from married men whose wives do not know what they are doing. I have politely rejected these as I feel this is cheating and not swinging. Am I right or is this normal?

People then defended their right to seek sex behind their partners back. They have every right to the opinion that this is ok but people also have a right to disagree and voice their opinion to the contrary. It stands to reason that the same applies for both sexes. This is in response to the following quote:

Perhaps you should have added that the women playing away are duty bound to be open and honest - unless of course it's OK for the woman to play away on the quiet....

Secondly in response to the point you made:

Now your boot on the other foot theory is good, but I think you have missed something. What if a couple find a single male or female to join them, suppose the female decides that the single male is the person for her, or the male decides that the single female is the one for him. Now you are dealing with single people with nothing to lose.

Again we were talking about people pretending to be single or single people swinging behind their partners back. If they are actually single then there is no chance they would be discovered by their partner. If all parties are aware of what's going on then there is no secrecy or deception and therefore not cheating.

I hope this clears things up

Re: Swinging or Cheating

I envy all you guys and gals who have a full and regular sexual relationship. Or those who can spice their sex lives partaking as a couple. Unfortunately, I find myself in the boat with those guys who you class as 'cheating'. Or rather, I'd like to be in that category.

Yeah, I masturbate. Who doesn't? But it's so boring - it normally satisfies my physical need for a while, but I miss the emotional satisfaction as well. I like to be able to give pleasure too.

When you have not had sex with your partner for over a year, come back and tell me that I shouldn't contemplate this course of action.

And yes, I've tried to discuss this. It hasn't made a difference. Sometimes I've joked: "OK, find me someone who will...". Only now am I thinking that a discrete relationship with someone who is aware of my position is what I'm left with.

I hope that things will improve. I'm torn between the love I have for my wife, and my needs as a sexual man.

Re: Swinging or Cheating

I agree with 'swinginesp'. I'd put it the same way.

I've been the guy in that position (once) - loves the wife, but just has no sex. I'm not one to try and coerce her into doing something she doesn't want to. Hopefully, in time, things might change. Talk about it? Yes of course. Does it change matters. Nope - and you have to realise when to break off that conversation.

When you have gone for a year without sex, find masturbation increasingly unsatisfying, you start to think about looking for something without strings.

You may not agree with these sorts of reasons, but we all need satisfaction one way or the other. I envy those in a stable or swinging relationship. If sex with the wife was regular - I wouldn't even be here.

Re: Swinging or Cheating

In reply to your post:

"Perhaps you should have added that the women playing away are duty bound to be open and honest - unless of course it's OK for the woman to play away on the quiet."

The post was specifically about a male and its in that vein that I answered. It speaks for itself that the same applies to women. Cheating isn’t a male only activity

You added ...."Now your boot on the other foot theory is good, but I think you have missed something. What if a couple find a single male or female to join them, suppose the female decides that the single male is the person for her, or the male decides that the single female is the one for him. Now you are dealing with single people with nothing to lose - just a thought."

If you’re single then you’re not going to be cheating are you? It won't matter if someone's wife is calling you at all hours if you're single. There's no one to find you out at your end. The post is about a man cheating on his partner.

You then said..."If my wife had or was having an affair and I discovered it, I would take the opportunity to develop an open relationship where we could both be 100% honest with each other, I grew out of jealousy many years ago so it would work."

But what would she say if she found out you were?

Re: Swinging or Cheating

Hello every one

Like a few on this particular posting im new to this site but not to swinging.

My wife and I enjoy swinging as a couple and as singles and this trust was built on a simple house rule. We always and always have told each other about all that we do when with an other couple or singles.

We have a Married friend who has the full consent of his wife and when he is visiting our area we get together. We don't play with Married folks who are playing away so to speak, either male or female.

So the sort answer :) is we consider it cheating.