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Sex love and marriage - not necessarily in that order!

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I have been married for over 25 years and we have produced 2 lovely daughters. I still love my wife but can honestly say there has never been a time that I felt happy with my sex life. I grew up in a middle class family through the 1960's and 70's but far from being a liberated time for everyone I had installed the belief that 'nice' women didn't really like sex, only men did, and women were prepared to participate when they felt 'true love'. Not surprisingly then, once the initial marriage stars had lost their sparkle and the drudgery of working hard to earn a living set in, there was not much sex left. I remember work colleagues telling me at various life stages that things improve - "once they're over 30 they get hornier", "over 40 they want to feel young again" - for me it never happened, in fact it has always got progressively worse. Nowadays I live in a sexless relationship. I even took up the sport of cycle racing many years ago and being so demanding, it was clearly a good sexual substitute. For my wife of course, there is no problem (for her). Her life is what it should be and I'm just over-sexed! For me then, do I leave my wife just for sex? Leave the mother of my children just for a more regular fuck? Such is my dilemma. I only discovered less than 10 years ago what 'real' women are about when I had an affair with a very fit single lady. I have had long discussions with my wife who simple maintains she is 'not a physical person', 'doesn't enjoy being touched', even believes that 'if I really love her I'll accept things as the are'. So I continue to act like a monk, or the best answer for myself and all those around me is a very sexy swing on the side. Maybe a lady in the same position as me with an unloving or absent husband. Splitting up is not always a feasible option, particularly when there is financial interdependency. 'Professional' ladies will usually tell you that they save more marriages than they break, and that I believe is true. I do however have an aversion to paying for sex as I like to please someone else as much as myself, that's the real 'fun'. However 'married men' seeking discrete sex away from home are generally rejected on the contact scene as being simply 'cheating husbands'. Believe me, life is not always that simple!

Re: Sex love and marriage - not necessarily in that order!

Hi there I know exactly how you feel! I am in the same position as you are! I love my wife and have no intention of ever leaving her BUT I do need more sex! Is there any lady out there in the same position as me in Lancashire? Perhaps we could both find sexual fulfilment without going through a divorce?
Heinz

Re: Sex love and marriage - not necessarily in that order!

Hi Pete,

Really sad story, sorry I never read it earlier. My advice is get it where you can and if your wife is the way you say she is, then she should understand your needs and let you have a bit on the side! The problem for most women is that they worry about losing their men completely to another woman, not realising that they are likely to lose him anyway to a better sex life! This was similar to my case many years ago. I was married with 2 kids and both my wife and I were screwing around with no problems, until she thought I was having an affair with one of our staff, (Gloria) which I was not, but she left me anyway for 6 months. By the time she returned I had been having a fling with Gloria and most enjoyable it was! The year was 1968. But it was only a fling and I was ready to have my family back. I had to agree not to see Gloria, but she said it was OK for me to screw anyone else?? The upshot was that she decided eventually that she had had enough of me, so she threw me out and off I went to find Gloria.
That was 1971, since when Gloria and I have lived together, we married in 2000 and are still not sure why?? We began swinging in 1974 with a friend and have done it, on and off ever since. Sex was never an issue in either relationship, apart from the one odd jealousy thing with the ex.
I would not advise leaving your family, but as cycling will not always work, you should try to find another way.

Best wishes, Jose

Re: Sex love and marriage - not necessarily in that order!

Having been in a similar situation for 14 years Pete (until six months ago) I can appreciate how you must feel. Sexual compatibility is very important for a harmonies relationship but naturally you now have other considerations too. Now I'm single and looking I'm hoping to find someone I'm more compatible with sexually this time round, and I'm truly envious of Jose & Gloria.

Re: Sex love and marriage - not necessarily in that order!

Hi pete,

I can relate to you in a way as I don't like paying for it either. I had at a low point in my sexual life but needless to the mere fact that am paying for it took yhe edge of the fun for me and as such i would rather wank than repeat the experience. Hang in dear mate, your time will come.

Andy.

Re: Sex love and marriage - not necessarily in that order!

Pete,
Believe me, there's a lot of married guys just like us. Reading your post was almost as if I had written it.
I was totally faithful for the first 20 years enduring the contradictions of loving and wanting my wife only to be almost continually rejected intimately.
I read lots of books and took expert advice but all in vain. She's just one of those women that has such a low sex drive it's almost impossible to get going no matter how patient, loving and tender you are.
Only when a chance encounter with a gorgeous woman colleague led to a year long affair did I truly realise what I had been missing all those years and understand it wasn't my fault after all.
That then led to another, even hotter and sexier woman that I had the privilege of sharing with her husband for 4 years.
The point is, that like you I made a choice to stay with my loving but sexless wife and make my own fun elsewhere.
Again, like you know, it's no easy way out but it's a way of overcoming a difficult problem without the heartache of divorceaccess to the kids etc.
Wish you good luck mate.

Re: Sex love and marriage - not necessarily in that order!

Hi across the water.. you will see from my profile that I share your situation. Life is too short to live it in black and white, though I tried living it that way with regard to the marriage vows.

So, am looking for couples or ladies, and have a particular interest in bondage and discipline (lite).

I'm online whenever discretion allows.

auroranorth

Re: Sex love and marriage - not necessarily in that order!

I really feel for you guys, because i was the mistress for six years of a lovely man who had the same problem at home. I am very happily married myself, and all he needed was someone to give him a good time in bed.

Unfortunately, his wife did find out about me eventually, and was very unhappy about it. any attempts by him to explain that he still loved her but needed sex were met by the stock answer "but i'm your wife!", which was hardly helpful. Then one night she made the mistake of ringing my mobile.....and got told (very politely) a few things she didn't really enjoy hearing.

Funnily enough, after that, she stopped hassling him about his relationship with me (except occasionally, when she had had too much to drink), and stopped threatening him with divorce.

Personally, I would urge you to talk honestly to your ladies, and tell them how you feel, and what you intend to do about it; but i understand how difficult that can be. So just remember to keep on being as loving and considerate to them as you can, while following your inclinations elsewhere. But DON'T let yourselves be morally blackmailed into not getting what you need, and that means, if they do find out, don't run and hide. Stand your ground. You have a right to a normal sex life. These ladies can't help having a low sex drive, and it would be terribly wrong to force them to have sex; but it's equally wrong that they should try to use any method to force you not to.

Kisses and hugs to you all,

Sue

yeh wot eva

this is my wedding ring ximg src="imagesadultemoticons012.gif" img src="imagesadultemoticons008.gif"

Re: Sex love and marriage

You've touched a chord - I bet there are many more like us. My whole life (not just my sex life) improved a lot when I started 'playing around', and I believe my marriage survives because of that.
Have fun, whatever....
PP

Re: Sex love and marriage

Hi ,I'm married but theres just no passion between us. I don't find him attractive, sex is a bore and a chore but we've got kids and feel stuck . X :( :(

RE:Sex love and marriage - not necessarily in that order!

pete welcome to he club you have hit the nail on the head

RE:RE:Sex love and marriage - not necessarily in that order!

As already mention above, there are so many people in the same situation. However most just put up with it and never mention it as sex can be such a taboo subject. For me, my wife and I have drifted apart more and more over our 10 year marriage. I remember having doubts about getting marriage, but thinking it surely would get better. I was so wrong, what little sex I had before I have almost nothing now. To the point I have not have any form of intimacy with her for 18 months. I’ve spoken to her about it, and she doesn’t believe that she has a low sex drive. She seems to priorities her time on house work or the such and would much prefer a quick hoover or dust than a bit of action.
My only advice is that life is to short to live unfulfilled, and the only person that can change things for yourself is you. So it is up to you to make the decisions on how to get what you need. Please don’t bottle it all up, I have done in the past, and started resenting her for my sexless situation. This is really unhealthy and this (for me) turn to starting hating her and then starting regretting my past decisions (living in the past is really bad!).
Like so many others, I was caught with children that I love and care about. Initially (as above) I transposed my resentment onto them, and as they were a moral anchor that kept me with my wife. However I understand it’s not their fault and I’m the only one that can change the situation.
So, go out and try to get some fulfilment.