Everyone Is Fishing.

I was jelly nervous to meet him but that's when I bluff. I'm always older than the people approaching us. My husband reassures me people want others that know what they're doing and that I'm hot. It's not reassuring, he's biased, he says all the right things, but I know his love for me clouds his vision. I need validation from a stranger. What's that about? I have lots of questions in my body.
It's a bit like dating but weirder, putting ourselves out there, it feels a risky business. Pretty much asking and saying out loud, "Would you fuck me?"
Do I dress up? First impressions count apparently, but does he want the real me or a pretend me? There is no pretend me.
I'd been talking it up to him over the net even though in real life I would not say those things to a stranger.
Twice our meetings and designated hook-up areas had failed. Once because of me and once because of him. It felt like being stood-up. Old teenage angst of being rejected rising. Getting all prep, summoning the nerves, slowly winding up, warm fuzzies, only to crash and burn when the logistics failed. Second time I told him he was a Penis for making me wait so long to let me know he couldn't make it. Maybe I'd blown it? I had a good feeling about this guy though and thought he might be worth it... third time lucky and all that.
I always have music, it makes me feel good. It makes everyone feel good. I tried my best not to look up at every car that pulled up. I had picked a busy spot by the river.
As he jumped in the passenger seat next to me I caught the scent of a man. Not my husband. We shook hands and examined and discussed his tattoos. This gave us an opportunity to touch and feel skin.
I told him this is weird for me, but we are taking the first step and you have to start somewhere? I practice being brave so I just asked handsome stranger if I could kiss him? Yes, he wanted to be kissed. He pulled my hand down so I could feel his hard bulge, he was fizzing and started to feel me up through my jeans so I had to wriggle and squirm up on top of him, closer while I kissed him.
We sat and talked and cuddled. I found he has feelings and has been hurt. We talked for an hour easily. I told him the ball is in his court and when he is ready bat it back to us and I'll kiss it ALL better.
I left feeling hot, pushy, wanted, excited and different. I'm changing all the time and I don't know myself yet. Can't wait to see who this hot guy helps my horny husband turn me into.
As my hubby and I got off on this news later on I told him in words and actions and love and spunk how much I adore him for letting me be me. We both agreed even if nothing else happened, we had made a start and I got to feel up a yummy stranger!
This process has helped me to work out it's not rejection. But it is personal. It's real life brave stuff we can all do to find out and allow ourselves to be who we are deep, deep inside.
I wouldn't want my Mother watching me... but I know she would be proud of me.

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