she is so close and it was so comfortable. I have practically 0 chance of finding love/sex with a partner that is practically my next door neighbor.
Her work is perfect in terms of her availability (or lack of) for me. Being the workaholic that I am during this period of my life.
I miss the sex which was amazing and kept me satisfied.
I miss sex so much, not just the pleasure, but the way it made me feel good about myself, whole, and accepted.
Have I mentioned that I miss sex?
I am in complete abstinence from porn and masturbation and generally thinking about sex, which makes everything harder. It’s scary, to think that I might be in for quite a long period without any relief from this desire. Without any relief from the feelings of not being good enough, of being damaged, unwanted, not fit for breeding. Being ugly, smelling bad, like a piece of garbage. Like rotten fruit. Having damaged genes. Being a failed mutant, not fit for female attraction.
Not a member of the club I so desperately want to be a part of. There’s a club of normal people with two eyes, two hands, two legs, who make love to one another and give strong, tender, caring, and comforting love to one another.
My whole life I am haunted by feelings that I don’t belong to this exclusive club. A club that I’ve spent a decent chunk of my life just watching others take part in.
As people walk through the main door and take off their jackets, leaving them on the hanger at the entrance. They can’t help but be drawn to the mood and atmosphere. Some head to the inner rooms, some go upstairs for a change of scenery from time to time, where they disappear into dimly lit rooms, almost absorbed in a thin vale of a fog of pleasure, happiness and moaning. While I’m looking at it all from the outside, I sometimes feel like a cold, wet, hungry dog yearning to be a part of something he does not belong to.
To me, the moaning of pleasure from sex means more than just “I am having fun”. To me it means “I am a part of humanity, I belong”.
Having sex with my ex freed me from all of these nasty, practically unbearable feelings. And I don’t know where to turn to, to get relief.
Thought about turning to God. But I think that God doesn’t have boobs. So how will that help me? God loves everyone. Unlike a woman, who can choose just me. Exclusively. I feel like there is something more personal in this, as opposed to god’s love that stems out of his nature and is offered freely to everyone, according to my faith/thoughts/feelings.
One of the hardest things for me, Is envy. I guess this is one of the reasons why I don’t like going outside. I envy everyone. Without knowing them I immediately start thinking how they are much better than me. How they have it going on for them so much better than what I have going for me.
It might be something that I picked up in my childhood. Practicing for 6+ years on the violin, while at the same time feeling not only extremely miserable, but burning with envy at anyone that is not me. They are free, They are not eternally punished with this hell, They can have fun, play with girls, go to sleep overs, watch television, play games.
All the things that I wanted to do as a 6,7,8,9,10,11,12 years old, and couldn’t. I never could. It was always “You have to practice to build your future”. “They are having fun now and laughing, but they will be crying in the future, and you will be laughing then”.
Well guess what? the future is here. And I’m not laughing. In fact, I rarely go out. I can spend literally years in my apartment, without going out, since seeing other people brings me so much pain.
To be continued
