Now that I have been with couples in a non-monogamous sexual lifestyle and after having my fair share of experience with it, I would like to attempt to talk about one of the questions which are constantly asked and puzzle couples who are thinking about stepping out of their monogamous relationships.
Who should be the third and how to choose?
I will be putting my thoughts being neutral and it will apply to choosing a third for both MMF and MFF. (also applies to swingers for that matter for choosing the right partner)
I am always a big proponent of choosing a ‘stranger’ over someone already known to either of them. But of course, one should know how to go about it.
In my opinion and experience, here is the possible problem choosing a known (by both or either of the couple) third:
The problem of emotional entanglement
When couples think about a threesome and when it comes to picking the third, many couples gravitate to someone they know. Part of the reason could be they have imagined that ‘third’ during their threesome roleplay sex.
This can be a huge mistake. Inviting someone into the bedroom with who one or both of you already have an emotional bond makes it more likely that someone will have feelings or someone will get their feelings hurt (later if not right away).
This emotional entanglement could be a huge mental discomfort and will later drastically affects the relationship negatively between the two and also with the third known person.
The problem of an unpredictable future
Suppose ignoring the first problem, you went with the known ‘third’ and the threesome happened. What if one or both of you don't like it and it was not as you (both) expected?
In such a case, it will be quite difficult to stop it and put a proper end to it. As the ‘third’ is always surrounding you, it will keep reminding you of the ‘awkward’ threesome and could be hard to just let go. It may also destroy your friendship/relationship with the third person.
Now suppose you both liked it and went continue with it for quite some time. And after let’s say a few years or so you both want to take a break or completely stop it for some reason (which you are unable to see now).
Again the same problem comes, it will be quite difficult to stop it and put a proper end to it. Moreover, there are possibilities of slut-shaming, if either of you refuses to continue, and when the ‘third’ person is suddenly not cooperative because the action he/she is getting is gone.
The problem of judgment and jealously
When couples think about a threesome, they imagine it doing it quite openly where all three can be very open and experimental with each other and can try different things they have fantasized about all along.
Sometimes, it really gets difficult discussing all things you both want to try being completely judgment-free with the known third person. There is always hesitation and fear of what he/she might think of either of them if they will tell him/her they want to try this or that or any other kinky stuff.
It is not just the discussion but also doing the sexual act itself gets quite difficult coming judgments in between.
There is also a problem of jealously coming in the way which the couple could not have expected at the beginning. Jealously can develop in a later stage and will have the potential to destroy the relationship with the third known person and making things more complicated between all.
The problem of gossip
You both would always want to keep your little adventure secret and enjoy it behind the curtain. The chances of your adventures leaking out are greater with the third known person with either him/her being currently involved or even so if you dropped him/her in a later stage and went with another new person. You would never be able to completely isolate things with him/her.
These are some of the possible issues with the known third, but if all three are mature enough to handle what’s said above; it can still work out with the third known person.
The better way of doing it
Now, with the above discussion, I did not mean to suggest going with a total stranger. You both should reach out and make friends entirely for sexual-purpose without any other strings attached. I will discuss later how this can be done but first, know that you won't have the following issues with your new sex-friend:
As it’s entirely for sexual-purpose and he/she will be an unknown, you don't have the problem of emotional entanglement.
You can say him/her Bye-Bye if you don't like it. You can try it with another new sex-friend again without any worries and so on.
You both can discuss anything with this new sex-friend without judgment coming in the way and even can drop him/her if sexual interests don't match. (You can’t undo this with a known third).
As you both and this third person will have no common contacts, you can comparatively better maintain it with secrecy and privacy.
How to go about it
First and foremost, Always practice safe-sex.
Some couples like to pick the third via clubs or bars (especially when they are vacationing outside their resident zone as it gives more freedom) but it can be tricky and if you think it is not for you then there are many apps and dating websites specially made of it.
Chat and talk with this potential match about your expectations and preferences etc. and get comfortable with each other. Plan for a first date if it seems a good match.
Always plan the first date in a public place for coffee or a drink together and get to know each other a bit and find if the chemistry match. All three are free to say NO if the chemistry doesn't fit during the date and be clear about it before the meet.
I have also gone with a couple right after our 2 hours drink and discussion when we thought it's ok to go forward, but it is not always necessary. The first date could be just for the drink and a little get to know each other (especially for the first-timers). Invite him/her to a suitable agreed place some another day if it's a good match.
You all three can start with a soft play if the three of you still need some time and go with the flow. Jumping directly to bed is not necessary and explore it with your own comfort & pace and always talk things through among the three of you.
As long as you three have open conversations, proper understating, maturity, and good chemistry, I am sure you all will going to love it in one way or another.
Happy Hunt!
