Power, Control, and Danger

There’s this ex I had. He was a bit more on the emotional side. Although yes I have feelings too, I knew how to control them. Or maybe I just got used to not caring about them . I remember always thinking in my head “ are you serious right now “ “Man tf up” “ So fucking pathetic” Ofcourse when it came to personal stuff I was always there for him. I understood that. It would be little things about our sex life. I wanted him to be confident in himself. I wanted him to open up. Feel there’s no limit with me. He was just a fucking pussy. We were fucking one night. It felt sooo good. I remember the feeling. Adrenaline. I was talking so much shit in my head but quiet on the outside. “ what a fucking loser, your NOW finally making me feel good. You don’t deserve the satisfaction of making me cum.” He didn’t. Things toook a turn doe. I was so in my head thinking we was doing the whole degrading part. There was cum in my hand. I licked it and slapped him in the face. Didn’t think it would be a big deal. Almost immediately regretted it. He shot up and raised his hand in a fist. I, as a reaction flinched and covered my face withought thinking. Didn’t feel anything. I get it though. It wasn’t my place to introduce something he wasn’t okay with.
He yelled and yelled and yelled.
Wouldn’t let me leave after I apologize a million times. I was in the wrong 1000% I knew that. I felt so bad. But did I really?

He wouldnt stop yelling. I was starting to get frustrated.
I got up started grabbing my things.
He stopped mid sentence and said “where tf are you going? Were not done talking”
“I’m going fucking home. You won’t quit yelling and it’s been Danm near 10 minutes. I apologized I know I was wrong get tf over it”
I’m almost to the door then suddenly he grabbed me by the arm and pulled me to the ground.
I fell to the floor. My things all around me now.
I remember feeling so quiet. I was in my head thinking. I kinda liked it. Kinda. The danger was .. exciting I’d say.
He just looked at me. He was hovering over me saying he wasn’t done speaking. I wasn’t even paying attention to his words.
“ This motherfucker really just put his hands on me” I thought too myself. I was in shock. Never thought he’d do something like that. Hes usually a fucking bitch. Do I like it ?
He was still talking. Yelling.
“He really put his hands on me” nah fuck that ! I got pissed my blood fucking boiling. Who tf are you?
Started thinking of ways to hurt this man. I’m not even paying attention to his rant. I’m in my head.
“Who tf are you talking to” I fucking screamed in his face.
I started to gain my confidence. I’m slowly getting up again. My back was against the wall so I was using it to help me get up.
He grabbed me by my shoulders and pushed me back down.
Yea I’m not playing nomore I’m really getting scared now.
He kept screaming at me. To me.
“ let me leave please” I feel weak at this point. I was weak. Pathetic. Only I can have the power.
He was tall, muscular, older. (By 3 years)
I knew if he wanted to he could hurt me so bad rn and nobody would know. That scared me the most.
“No because if you leave your not gonna come back! “ he cried.
He was right.
A part of me felt bad.
I knew about his past. His trauma.
I was just about to be another bitch that left him.
Fuck that.
“No baby I won’t leave you”
For 5 minutes I stayed with him.
Kissed him.
Made him feel cared for.
Calmed him down.
After a while he let me go.
The ride home was so weird. I felt powerful. A few bit bruises but powerful.
I want you to beg me to be yours.
I’m the queen and the king.
I want you to get on your knees and cry for me to come back.
I’m powerful.
I’m in control.

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