Swinging tips for joy

1. Discuss everythingYou’re on a double date, the wine is flowing, your partner’s best friend gives you a look. This shouldn’t be the moment you decide to start swinging, my love. If you’re going to make a big-ticket decision like opening up your relationship, it shouldn’t happen in a haphazard way that feels pressured or rushed.“Talk about what you each want and don’t want. Talk about it before you do it. Talk about it to death. And then talk about it some more.” —psychotherapist Tammy Nelson, PhD“Talk about what you each want and don’t want,” Dr. Nelson says. “Talk about it before you do it. Talk about it to death. And then talk about it some more.”2. Start slowOkay, so you and your S.O. have had a talk…or 50 of them, and you both are on board with the concept of getting intimate with other people. Even in this case, ease in slowly.“Don’t rush,” Dr. Nelson says. “It’s better to go in with hesitation, crossing lines with trepidation, checking in with one another, and then moving forward again. Do this while talking about how each of you feels and what the setup is doing to your relationship. Learn to communicate far more than you ever have.”3. Respect each other’s boundariesThis is a good rule to follow for all relationships and also for life, and it’s an especially smart idea if you’re opening up your relationship to swinging. These sorts of extra-relationship activities can get messy if both partners aren’t 100 percent in agreement.“This is not about compromise. Compromise means one partner gets hurt while the other partner only gets some of what they want. This is about agreeing.” —Dr. Nelson“If you want something but your partner doesn’t, it’s important to honor your partner’s limits,” Dr. Nelson says. “This is not about compromise. Compromise means one partner gets hurt while the other partner only gets some of what they want. This is about agreeing.”Overall, when it comes to swinging, there needs to be a firm foundation of consent and willingness to update the policy if one partner feels out of step.“Monogamy is not one thing,” Dr. Nelson says. “It falls on a continuum. It can mean being traditional and committed, and it can mean having open sexual behaviors with a number of other people. Defining it, over and over, is part of what makes a relationship work.”

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