National Coming Out Day - My Thoughts

This past Sunday (October 11) was National Coming Out Day. It started in America, specifically New York in 1988 and has been adopted much further afield, partly due to social media, allowing people from all over the world to join in. The day is intended to celebrate coming out and to raise awareness of the LGBT Community and the Civil Rights Movement. National Coming Out Day is observed, not only in the United States, but also Ireland, Switzerland, The Netherlands and the United Kingdom and it’s a reminder and a beacon of hope for so many.


Coming out is a tough thing to do for anyone – it’s full of fear and uncertainty about who’ll stick around and who might treat us differently and in some circumstances, who might even attack us or cause us harm. For most people, this is something they don’t have to worry about, but for LGBTQ+ people, it’s a reality that causes stress to many. Things have got better in recent years, but everyone’s situation is different. There’s not a single LGBTQ+ person who hasn’t worried about the coming out process, no matter how resilient their support network may be. It sounds like I’m talking about countries with poor human rights records here, but no. I’m taking about everywhere. Simply being able to say who you are is still terrifying for many.



Over the last few decades, huge strides have been made in many countries for the advancement and acceptance of the LGBTQ+ community, but the fight isn’t over. This is why we have Pride marches and events, why the battles for equality are still being fought, and why we need to support each other more than ever. Even in America right now, there are those in the Supreme Court who want to roll back marriage rights for us. This shouldn’t be a matter for someone else to decide. Equality is basic human decency. This is why voting counts. No matter where you are. If you see something in your country you don’t like, it’s your duty to educate yourself on these issues and vote for change. It’s our power as citizens of the world and it’s or responsibility. Believing that you don’t make a difference and that the right numbers will come in. Isn’t enough. You might as well be giving a vote to the guy you want out. Apathy among voters is real. How do you think we ended up with Trump, Boris, Brexit, etc? The world is a mess in so many ways. Use your power to help fix it.



Top of the list of worries when coming out are how our family will accept it. It’s no secret that there’s a huge LGBTQ+ homeless problem across the globe. So many are either thrown out or choose to run because it feels like their only option. The next on the list is how our friends and those around us will take it. The simple thing is – you’re not a different person. You’re exactly the same person you were five minutes before they knew. They just might need a little help realising that. It’s sad, I know, but if they’re having trouble accepting you, don’t hate them – it’s their issue that they need to own. Sometimes it just takes time, sometimes you just have to accept and move on. I don’t say this to scare you, of course, but it’s a sad reality.



There’s no right or wrong way to come out. It’s about taking it all at your own pace. Own the situation and take control of it as much as you can. You’ll feel better if you’re doing it on your own terms. Pick someone close to you that you’re reasonably sure you can trust and will stick by you first – you don’t have to tackle everyone at once. Build yourself a support network. Once you’ve got that, it gets easier each time. That’s taking control. And do it when you feel ready, not because you feel pressured.



On the subject of being ready, not everyone comes out in their teens – some wait until later in life or even not at all. Some don’t have the ‘lightbulb moment’ where they realise until much later. This is also fine. Humans don’t conform to schedules and rules where things like this are concerned. There is no right or wrong way. Each of us needs to understand that and accept it. You might even know what camp you fit into and might not even want to make a firm decision – that’s totally OK too – you don’t have to! People don’t fit into neat little boxes like that. Plus, things can change over time. Don’t feel pressured to wear a label.



For many, myself included, the internet changed growing up LGBT+ forever. Even before social media became a thing, there were internet chat rooms and forums where we could meet people just like ourselves across the world and just talk. I was probably that generation that enjoyed this first and I can’t imagine how isolating it must have felt for those that came before us and didn’t have that luxury.



For me, I was lucky enough that when I pulled my best friend to one side in our high school library, he sighed and, full of relief, exclaimed “Thank god! So am I!” It was so much easier facing it with my best friend going through the same. That was the day life changed really. Even though we’d been friends a good while at that point, we were delighted that this thing we’d felt pretty alone over was suddenly not something each of us was facing alone. We were going to own this. And we had each other’s backs. We’re still best friends now, decades later. We might not live nearby anymore, but we still speak every day. That’s the dream, to have an ally like that at our side. It might not be the same for everyone, but there’s always someone nearby to stand next to you if you look hard enough.



Hindsight is such a wonderful thing. I wish I could go back and tell my little teenage self that it was going to be a bumpy ride for a while, but it’d all work out ok. He’d never have believed me, of course, he was too busy trying to be cool and knowing everything. But the truth is, for me, I’m mostly happy with how it all worked out for me. I’d never have guessed when I was arguing with family and hiding my gayness and dealing with disapproval from some of them, that years later, everything would have changed and they’re some of my best friends. I showed them that they couldn’t change me, I was happy with who I am and they can either accept me or lose me. Maybe I got soft as I got older, who knows, but the fact remains, there was no ‘un-gaying’ me, so take me or leave me.



If you’re having trouble at any point, don’t suffer in silence. That’s not going to help anyone. Take a look out there for groups, support lines, even counselling – Just saying the words to someone in a safe space is an amazing feeling. It’s like you can actually feel the weight lift and your inner light shine a little brighter. You don’t have to do any of this alone – there’s no medal for putting yourself through that. Never be afraid to ask for help, it takes more courage to admit you need it than to be stubborn and keep going it alone – there’s people than will help if you let them. And one last thing: Never be ashamed of who you are. You’ve got to love yourself if you’re going to spread your wings.




Of course, many of us dream of a time when none of us need to go through the act of coming out. It shouldn’t feel like an admission, as it so often does. Admissions are for things we feel bad about, but sadly, so many are made to feel like being LGBTQ+ is something to be ashamed of. It isn’t. You are seen. Your are valid. And there is love and a place for you. You just hang on in there til you find it. And don’t just remember that on National Coming Out Day, but every day.


Stay safe, stay sane, stay vidalicious x

• Add Comment
• View Blog