Why can’t men look you in the eye afterwards

We’ve all experienced it from time to time, That delightful feeling after a good date or even a good hookup where you’re wondering when you’re going to see them again or where it could go. It’s a nice feeling. It doesn’t even necessarily have to be romantic – it could be that simply you’ve both got along brilliantly and the sex was great and you just happen to be on the same sexual wavelength which makes it brilliant – that’s just as fantastic. But it sort of sours a bit when they never get in touch, for apparently no good reason.

Now, I’m not naïve enough to believe or even hope that there’s going to be wedding bells after every encounter or that everything’s going to turn into some sort of fairytale, because that would be weird. Not only that, but I’m also completely up for the whole one night stand and hookup thing. I mean, just because I haven’t found Mr Right yeti doesn’t mean I can’t have fun with Mr Right-Now. We’re all out to enjoy ourselves, but I seem to be in a minority where I decide to treat the guys I hook up with like human beings.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. That I’m coming at this from a place of bitterness. But no, that couldn’t be further from the truth. But what I really want to know is: Why do guys find it so hard to look you in the eye after they’ve put their penis in you?

It’s not a difficult question really. The ones that especially annoy me are the ones you’ve been friends with beforehand. Everything has been great, we’ve gotten along for years, then one night we end up unexpectedly hooking up (even stranger when they’ve done all the work and made all the moves) but then afterwards, they no longer respond to your messages and ignore you if they see you out. It makes zero sense. And, to be honest, it’s inherently insulting. If we got on before and then you put your dick in me, then nothing’s really changed. We had some extra, unexpected fun and normal activity should, in theory, resume. We fucked, it’s not like we’ve become different people.

I’m not talking about any instance in particular, as this has actually happened to me a lot. It can be pretty disappointing sometimes, especially when you thought the guy was better than that, but hey, you dust yourself and get back on with it. I don’t let it bother me, as I know it comes with the territory, but the fact is, it shouldn’t. I sucked your dick, don’t you dare ignore me.

One of the worst instances was a guy I’d actually had a thing for for ages and we’d hooked up, then he didn’t speak to me for literally years. Randomly, he got in touch with me and in a moments of weakness, I met up with him and we had fantastic, mind blowing sex – and also a good catch up! When we said goodbye, it was back to radio silence. I was so mad at my younger self for going back there. But when he got in touch again more recently, older me is now much more equipped to realise that wouldn’t be a good move. My self esteem is worth so much more than that. I love a booty call as much as the next person, but if you blank me when you see me or cut me off, then no. That’s an issue at your end. I know that now. Thank god.

When it comes to the straight or curious guys I’ve hooked up with, I almost expect this behaviour, not that it makes it right. Especially when they expect you to do them the favour of keeping their ‘dirty little secret’. Of course, I’m completely against outing anyone or threatening anyone, that’s most certainly NOT the kind of person I am, but say for example I was the kind of person who COULD do something like that. The average hookup probably doesn’t know what kind of person I am. So why would they think that treating you with no more respect that the condom they’ve just binned is going to make you inclined to do this ‘favour’ for them? Like, do you really treat people like shit and then expect them to do something for you? No. When you want something from someone, you at least pretend to treat them with respect. Maybe they got freaked out that they enjoyed it and it’s more an issue with themselves, either way, grow the f*k up. You just played with a dick, not killed anyone’s firstborn. Get over it.

Looking at it from that angle, it just shows how much stigma and lack of understanding is still out there. If you’re going to take the plunge and act on your urges, then that’s great, but the person you’ve tried it with is a person too, not just a piece of lab equipment to experiment with. It’s the same basic rule I apply to all forms of human interaction, be it online, on the phone, in person – The golden rule is: Don’t be a dick.

Maybe as the world moves on and the barriers between gender and sexuality break down a little more, the fear, the revulsion afterwards won’t be a thing. We all know that when we’re horny, we’re more likely to go for something we wouldn’t normally allow ourselves to do. Like a friend of mine once told me “a hard cock has no conscience”. It’s so true. We’ve all watched some porn and when we’re finished slam the computer shut, slightly ashamed of ourselves, but we shouldn’t. Sex is fun. We need to get rid of some of the hang ups. We’re bombarded with messages that sex is wrong or dirty in some way, when it’s been around a lot longer than…. Well, everything, really. It’s not wrong, dirty or any of those things. It’s a natural (and very fun) biological imperative – and one of our basic needs.

Perhaps post-sex awkwardness is as a result of that, but either way, it shouldn’t happen. All it takes is a little emotional maturity and a little compassion to be nice to the person you’ve just had. You don’t have to marry them or be attached to them in any way, just be nice. We’ve all had shags we regret the next day, but chances are, it’s not going to change your life. You don’t have to see them again, but if you do, don’t treat them like trash. They might feel exactly the same way you do, but we’re all adults. Let’s act like it. And as grandma always said: It’s nice to be nice.

The advice is simple. Don’t be a dick. We’re all in this together, after all!

Stay Safe, Stay Sane, Stay Vidalicious

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