A Disastrous Hookup - Storytime

Ok, so, it’s storytime! Sit down, make yourself comfortable and enjoy this ‘lovely’ little real life story from not too long ago about the ‘joys’ of what should have been a good hook up!

You see, I say ‘should’ because that’s not quite how it turned out. The situation was simple, my friend and I had left a local nightclub at the end of the night and were walking through the high street towards our usual taxi place as we do every weekend. We happened upon a bunch of people we’d seen in the club and one of them, we’ll call him Ivan, was flirting like crazy with me. He was Russian, about six and a half feet tall, really cute and really up for it. I couldn’t believe my luck! He came with us as we walked down the street and as I was ordering a taxi, he asked if he could come with me, so I knew I’d pulled now. As luck would have it, my housemates were on holiday and I had the place to myself, so this was perfect! The stars had perfectly aligned!

Now, I don’t immediately just take random men home, I like to get to know them a little first, plus if some naughtiness happens outdoors, I’m totally fine with that too – a little al fresco fondling can be a lot of fun! So, with everywhere closed, the options for a drink were fairly limited, so he suggested we take a taxi to the 24-hour garage to get some drinks and then go for a walk down by the river and through the nearby park. I’d already decided he was no threat, so that was fine. I still like to get to know someone at least a little before taking them home, so this seemed like the perfect idea. If it didn’t work out, I’ve had a nice summer night drink in the park with someone and if it did, then who knows?

So, we got to the garage, I paid for the cab, he paid for the drinks and we walked. There was only a very slight language barrier, so conversation was pretty easy and quite fascinating. We ended up even talking about Russian art and culture and all sorts! It was almost turning into more of a date than a hookup! The flirting hadn’t fizzled out at all though, and whenever we ended up somewhere slightly more hidden, he could barely keep his hands off me! So, everything was going rather well!

As it turned out, we’d met about two years before briefly on a night out, but I hadn’t recognised him as he had longer hair and looked completely different at the time, plus I don’t often remember guys I’ve only spoken to for a couple of minutes. So we laughed about that a little.

Then we reached the end of the park and by then I’d decided he was OK to come back to mine and, conveniently, there was a cab just driving past, so I waved it down and we headed back to mine. When we arrived, we chatted some more and listened to some music before heading to my room. Thank god I’d tidied a bit and it wasn’t in its usual state of disarray, so that was a blessing. We both got undressed and everything was going ever so well until… well, until it wasn’t.

I can’t even work out when it started to go down the pan, but suddenly, he managed to launch his bottle of beer all over my bed and my lovely clean sheets. He was very apologetic as I grabbed a towel and cleaned up a bit before we started getting back to the business at hand. For some reason, while I was cleaning, he started telling me what a ‘nice guy’ Vladimir Putin is, which was not the conversation I expected, but hey, maybe he was just feeling nervous. I know I have a habit of rambling when I’m nervous, maybe he did too!

Once I’d cleaned up, I threw the towel into the laundry basket and we headed back to bed to get down to it. I got onto the bed and he sat down next to me and leaned in about to kiss me when he suddenly diverted downwards. I enthusiastically thought we were skipping the kissing and eating straight down to it, but I was mistaken, as he suddenly started tapping out a samba on my stomach! Yep, that’s right, he started playing bongo drums on me and then told me I’d put on weight!

And they say romance is dead!

I didn’t know what to say. I think I just stared at him open mouthed for a moment before he obviously realised his mis-step, apologised and resumed the cuteness and flirting. It always takes a lot to actually offend me, so I just put it down to him thinking it was funny and not actually meaning to offend, plus, it’s not exactly like I’m skinny anyway! I’m laughing about the whole time now, it’s just probably not a good flirting technique though.

To be honest, it wasn’t the first bit of comical body-shaming I’d experienced that night either, having someone outside the club look at my makeup and as me if I was supposed to have tits. I couldn’t tell what the tone of his question was but that’s not the sort of thing you just ask someone. Over it.

So, as if the beer and bongo-drums weren’t enough, either through the alcohol or something else, he ended up having some little erectile issues. It’s fine, really. Happens to us all (never to me, but that’s fine) so, like the trooper I am, persevered and did my very best to get the wind into the sails before the final straw – and explaination for his flaccid-ness revealed itself!

“Do your neighbours have any daughters?” Is not what you say to someone while your dick is in their mouth. So, as I stare at him dumbfounded (at first, with it still in my mouth) before I come to my senses and realise what he’s actually just said. It then occurs to me that he’s more into women. While I’m trying to think of something to say, he suggests we put some girl on girl porn on for him and at this point, I’m done!

Like, I’m not going to continue an encounter where they’d rather get off on my laptop than me! I’ve no idea what his reasons were for coming home with a guy or wether he was maybe just curious but not enough or whatever, but the sun was now up and I frankly just wanted to finish myself off, change my bedding to some that didn’t smell of beer and get rid of him.

“Oh, would you look at the time!” I suddenly exclaimed, acting harder than Meryl Streep in Silkwood. I made out that my dad would be coming round for a visit at 9am and it was now 8.15, so I hurriedly maneuvered him and his clothes downstairs and out the door. I even offered to call him a cab, but he didn’t have any money and I certainly wasn’t footing the bill! I gave him some directions which he clearly wasn’t listening to and sent him wandering off down the road. He asked for another beer for the walk, so I gave him the last one, watched him to make sure he left and then locked up and sighed profusely. Who knows, he could be lost and still wandering the countryside.

So, although I prefer to make sure men are ok before bringing them home, I clearly need to revise my voting process. I might not have had the earth-shattering sex I was hoping for, but at least I’ve got a funny story out of it. Even if it was a little insulting and cringe-worthy. Good sex is great, but when you have these awful encounters, the only thing you can really do is laugh. And hope that some better quality men make themselves available in the near future!

So, have you got any funny or cringeworthy real-life hookup stories of your own? Let’s have a good laugh with each other and share some! Join the conversation in the comments and until next time stay safe, stay sane and stay Vidalicious!

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