Times like these really put into perspective just how solid the Dominant side is in me. I help my mother take care of my dying father daily. This had so many stresses attached to it. So many things that I have to accept, yet cannot control.
Control... That word to me has had so many bad connotations from my previous marriage, and after my divorce I found MY control. I gave everything to my wife and family. For my ex, it was never enough. I compromised myself, gave into what she wanted, out of a belief that it would make her happy, and in turn allow me to be happy.
I was never going to make her happy, that is her responsibility, and mine was to be me, in all my glory, flaws and all. I failed at that, and after the divorce, I found myself grasping at straws to figure out what it was I was missing in my life.
The Dominant side of me I found and dove into BDSM head first for 2 years. I learned all I could about how to be the best Dominant I could be. Learning a lot about the PROPER way to compromise, but also to speak up and not let my past dictate my future.
With the RONA and everything going on, I have found myself 5 hours away from the woman who gave me the gift of her submission. BUT, she is in Canada, and me the States, and NO BORDER CROSSING since March. 5 months on and now I am struggling to maintain my composure throughout everything I go through with my father, and the normal storm I endure with my ex.
I feel that I am neglecting something I need to help keep me on an even keel. My sub and I talk daily. Video chat from time to time, but I NEED more. I need to finally hit my DomSpace, and I do not know what to do about it. My sub and I agreed that it would be ok for me to be with another, if it is just physical. But I feel this pit in my stomach when I feel like I need to find a play partner here. I know she would accept it, but the old scars I carry keep me in a state of anxiety thinking about telling her that I am to that point.
Life sucks, especially when all you want to to let the evil side out to breath...
