So, we all know there are questions we gay guys get asked all the time, but some of them are just much better left unasked. I’ve heard them so much that, as annoying as they are, I just have to laugh at them in disbelief now, as they’re just completely ridiculous.
Most of them, if you put ‘straight’ instead of ‘gay’ in there and show them right back at the person asking, they’d sound completely absurd, though they’re rarely bright enough to actually see that and will just ask again. I’m all for people asking questions and making an effort to understand something, but maybe just say it in your head first and think about how daft it sounds before just going for it out loud.
So today, I’m going to cover some of the things gays hear all the damn time. Buckle up, sarcasm inbound.
“When did you decide you were gay?”
Ok, it’s not something you decide. What outfit to wear to an occasion is something you decide or maybe where to go for lunch. None of us woke up and thought “You know, I’ve been meaning to try cock for ages, I should get round to that” and then it was so good we just stuck with it. That’s not exactly how it works. If you fire back (as I sometimes do) with “When did you decide you were straight?” they just tend to look at you dumbfounded like you’ve just asked a completely ridiculous question, but somehow it always escapes them that they’ve asked a stupid question.
It’s almost like they think we just go to bed straight one night and wake up gay. You’ve gotta laugh!
The other variant is “When did you know you were gay?” – This is the gentler version of it, as ‘decide’ is inherently offensive, as it implies choice. Honestly, that’s one that really gets to a lot of us – Implying that we’d choose the more difficult path where we can be bullied, harassed, and (in some countries) executed just for who we are. Trust me, the only choice that comes anywhere near homosexuality is the choice people take to be dicks to us.
But yeah, the “When did you know you were gay?” question is a tough one, as there’s not really a single, particular moment where it clicks. That’s not how it works. Did you know the date and time you realised you were straight? No? Then why should I know? It’s not something we put in our diary then forgot to change back, because it was so good. Growing up and finding out who you are is a gradual process. Some people figure themselves out early, some not til later in life and some, sadly, never at all. Besides, there’s more in life to worry about than just ‘who puts what where’. We take this stuff at our own pace and that’s completely OK.
“You’ll know them, they’re gay!”
Contrary to what straight folk believe, we’re not all issued with a magic homo filo-fax upon coming out of the closet. One that magically updates every time a new gay comes out and gains a new page with all their info on it. That would actually be quite interesting, but no, not a thing. Also, slightly betraying my age there by using the term ‘filo-fax’, I know. Oops.
But seriously though, is it not ridiculous that they have this assumption? I’ve never in my life assumed that someone must know things about another straight person just because they too were straight. There’s a reason for that. It would be and absolutely crazy assumption to make!
I’ve just had this whole thing with a pair of older relatives this last week who have decided to constantly ask me for information about their new neighbours and have told me that I musty have the answers to all their questions because I’m gay and so are the neighbours. I think this week, I’m just going to let them believe that sucking dick actually connects us all into a magical network goiving us some sort of collective consciousness. A bit like the Borg from Star Trek, but with a smidge more bodily fluids and a lot more glitter. I will then feed them some fabulous misinformation and sit back and watch their reactions. This could be quite fun actually.
“Which one of you is the man and which is the woman?”
Well, neither of us is the woman, Pamela, because we’re both fucking men! What you’re actually trying to do there is find out which of us prefers to take it up the arse but in doing so are horrifically generalising and trying to force heteronormative labels onto us while simultaneously being overly intrusive and completely offensive.
In fact, it’s almost quaint they way this one gets asked, almost building in a ‘get out clause’ so that they could claim they didn’t mean ‘in the bedroom’, but something like “Who does the cooking, cleaning and stuff and who’s the breadwinner?” Well, newsflash, unless we’re really lucky, in the 21st Century, we both have to work to afford a nice place to live, the fashionable clothes that people assume we all live for and the endless supplies of leather harnesses and whips we have in our playroom. Yet, we all know what they invariably mean by this question. They want to know who the top is and who the bottom is. Everything is so black and white to the people that would ask this – Top must mean ‘man’ and bottom must mean ‘woman’ – which is utter rubbish! Even funnier is that if you try to explain that the bigger, more muscular one of the relationship is the bottom, their heads nearly explode! Or that there are, in fact people who are exclusively top or bottom, but also verse and sides (people who don’t go for anal), not to mention a whole spectrum in between! Then there’s the entire aspect of it being none of their fucking business. I mean, I could ask random straight people which of them likes to get fisted on a Tuesday night, but that would be weird and overstepping the mark. But in their minds, it’s totally ok to ask us. Whatever, Pamela, move along!
“I know a gay guy, you’d be perfect for each other!”
Yeah, because we’re either all instantly compatible based solely on a mutual love of penises and are literally that two-dimensional. It’s not like we have other interests, passions, experiences or anything like, ummmm…. Human beings.
Look, I get that you’re excited to have a new gay bestie and everything, but if you want us to get along, then you’re going to have to start thinking of us as people, not some really well-dressed pet that you can set up little ‘play-dates’ with your gal-pal’s other gay friend and expect us to just get along. Can you imagine one of us saying “OMG! I know a straight person too! I’ll have to hook you up!” It gets really old really quickly, trust me. It’s not cute, helpful, funny or anything, it’s just ridiculous. If we want assistance, we’ll ask, we don’t need amateur Cilla Black poking her slightly condescending oar in and trying to marry us off to someone we’ve got nothing but dicks and Dolce in common with.
So, that’s some of the things that we find really annoying when we’re asked. Of course, there’s plenty more, but these are the main things we hear all the time. It’s lovely that people make an effort to understand, but a little thought wouldn’t go amiss sometimes. I’m the first one to encourage asking questions, but the generalisations, assumptions and intrusiveness need to go. Otherwise, I’m going to start asking questions – which will be cringe-worthy and hilarious. For me and whatever audience is present. For you, probably not so much. Trust me, I’ve no objection to shouting “Sharon, does your husband prefer that wild look or would he rather you trim?” or “How did the rash turn out after the unfortunate incident with the butternut squash?” over the mic next time you come in. That’s what these questions are like. Don’t do it.
Are there any that have particularly annoyed you that you think I missed? Why don’t you share in the comments!
Stay Safe, Stay Sane, Stay Vidalicious
