I am fifty. I still have questions. Most people have already answered these questions by my age. To still be looking makes me feel a bit lost. This makes me very grateful for the answers I do have.
I am an introvert. Which makes it difficult to reach out to people. I have been married three times. All three times, I never asked them out on a date. They approached me. I wondered for years why God would make me this way. Thanks to some of the friends I do have who taught me that introverted people have a lot to give to the world and it was nothing to be ashamed of and shouldn't hold me back. I still struggle to be social, but, I am no longer ashamed of my social awkwardness. Being an introvert has been a cake walk compared to some of my other struggles.
I grew up in a conservative, southern community. I became a Christian at six years of age. I had no idea what that meant at the time. I just knew I was supposed to. It didn't take me long to see the hypocrisy in the church. I recognized that preaching love and hate was common place. I rejected the church when I was a teen/young adult. As time went on and I learned from the people around me, I found a new understanding of Jesus that was more believable. This new understanding emphasized love and how to use love as a guide. I am at peace today with my progressive view of Christianity.
Am I Bi? That is a question that has been on my mind for a long time. I was in high school the first time I found a dude attractive. He was tall, muscular and a good guy. I kept my feelings to myself. Namely because I had a long term girlfriend at the time. As time went on, I would find random guys attractive. I would think about having sex with them. Even though my religious beliefs at the time forbade it. The way I was raised left me feeling guilty and ashamed of myself. Then, I made a friend. She was an outspoken lesbian who was extremely comfortable with being a Christian. She taught me so much about love and how to love people where they are. I wished I would have told her my secret. At the time I was married and I was afraid of how my wife would react. So I went on, stuffing my feelings and denying an important aspect of who I am. I realized over time that being bisexual is nothing to be ashamed of and that love rules. The only thing left is to meet a special guy and give it a whirl. Exploring like a teenager again.
Thanks for letting me share.
Bud
