It’s OK not to be OK

The modern age is more taxing on our mental health than is acknowledged. It’s fantastic that in recent years, we have campaigns to end the stigma and actually talk about it and it’s a long time coming. The problem is, with these campaigns very much in their infancy, the message still needs to get out there and show people that it’s good to talk and get these issues out in the open, but some still find it hard to talk about their feelings and either don’t want to ‘bother people’ or don’t think anyone they talk to could relate or understand. However, if you’re willing to talk, chances are you’ll actually know someone who has faced their own battles or at least had experience of it very close to them. It’s a lot more common than you realise. How do I know this? Well… Ok, I’m going to lay myself completely bare here…

You may think that a sassy, glamorous, seven foot tall drag queen may be the happiest and most confident person you could imagine, but you’d be wrong. I’ve been down some pretty dark holes in my life and it’s taken a lot of work, introspection and rebuilding to get to a place where I’m comfortable again. You see, as I’ve discussed before, I came to drag through depression and it’s one of the things that helped me through that part in my life. I’m obviously not suggesting that anyone suffering from depression follows my route and, truth be told, I’m NOT giving any advice at all in this piece, as I’m not a health professional or qualified in any way, so I’ll just make it clear that I’m sharing my own experience. It’s about finding what works for you. For me, drag was both a suit of armour AND a way to reconnect with myself. Drag allowed me to paint on some confidence and become this other person and, in doing that, showed me that all the things that made Vida special (not to mention quite a force to be reckoned with) were all there within me the whole time! Who knew? I suppose it’s the mind’s equivalent of losing change down the back of the couch and pulling out some large notes with the change! Some of these things were things I had that had just got lost and some were things I’d needed to discover for myself. When you find the new hobby, activity or whatever that gives you that feeling of being able to breathe again, you’ll know. Stick with it.

Now, I know from experience that when you start sliding down the spiral of negativity, people can try and remind you of your positive attributes until they’re blue in the face, but you’ll find every excuse to disregard their words of encouragement. It’s not just you doing that. Literally EVERYONE in that situation does it. We can’t find the positives even when they’re shoved in our faces, but the negatives seem so obvious. In fact, we make up extra negatives that aren’t even there and just fixate on those, even finding creative ways to either outright deny the positive things or even twist them into negatives! It sounds ridiculous when you actually see it written down, doesn’t it? I know how ridiculous it felt writing it, but I know I’ve done this countless times and I know from conversations where other people have shared their experiences with me that this is exactly what happens. Firstly, it’s exhausting and it does become a bit of a habit and, yes, that word I used – ‘spiral’. But the key thing to remember here is that this isn’t you following that pattern and focussing on the negatives, it’s just a weird thing your brain happens to be doing, so take a deep breath and remind yourself that you’re not alone. You just need to remind yourself of the positives or maybe even find some new ones.

I’ve had two friends lose the battle with themselves this year and I have to say, I was utterly devastated both times and spent a lot of time wondering if I could have done more, but here I am, sharing my experiences in the hope that sharing helps break the cycle. While the conversations are starting to be able to be had about mental health, there’s still a good way to go until there’s enough resources available for everyone to call upon, which is why it’s so important to look after each other and keep an eye out for each other. I’m exceptionally lucky that I had some friends who refused to quit on me and would come to my home when I was at my lowest and just sit with me or physically push me into the shower so they could take me out for a drive and some lunch just to make sure I blasted the cobwebs away. And I’ll tell you right off the bat that fresh air and some sunlight does actually make a little difference! And if you’re a little alone at the moment, be that friend for yourself! Have a shower, take a walk, fire up your laptop and just talk to someone.

Right now, with lockdowns and uncertainty all over the world, it’s hard to know how all of this is going to affect us. Some of us may be feeling a little low and maybe people simply can’t come and drop in for a visit or maybe we’re missing family and friends and that’s making us feel a little worse. The internet can sometimes feel pretty lonely, but right now, it’s keeping people connected in ways it’s never been used before. There are so many effects of all the current chaos and social upheaval around the world that it’s hard for it not to have some kind of affect on us. I’m lucky enough to live in a place where lockdown has mostly been lifted and the risks are now minimal from a Covid perspective, as it’s all but eradicated in my area, though the threat of a second wave still looms as a possibility in the distance. But, for me, I found that I hated the idea of lockdown going away and things going back to normal! It was a strange way to feel, but there it was. I was in touch with all my nearest and dearest through phone, internet and socially distanced visits (though I really did miss a good hug) and I’d become used to the slower pace, the time to breathe and the time to get a tremendous amount done! So I tried to work out why I felt like that. After much thinking, I realised that yes, I do want to go back to being able to see people and socialise again, so it’s not being around people that I’m uncomfortable with. I want to get back to performing and gigging, so I clearly don’t have a problem with that. It was my day job that I found was the feeling of dread. Being back at the mercy of people who were waiting for things to be done and had conveniently seemed to forget there had been a pesky lockdown slowing things down, so they’d take their frustration out on me. It was the lack of control and the feeling of retuning to high speed and high pressure that was what I was resenting, so I’ve given myself strategies to deal with that and it’s not going too badly. Obviously, as a drag queen, I’m completely in control. If someone doesn’t like my performance, it’s not like there’s higher drag queens they can complain to. Like, what you gonna do? Call RuPaul on me? But unfortunately, in a regular office environment, I can’t serve them a bucketload of fresh sass, so its down to just taking a breath and reminding myself that I’ve got this. Just like you have.

But that feeling was something outside of what I have control over. Which can be scary, but there’s no point in dwelling on it if its beyond your control. Like so many things that bother us, I’ve learned over the years that to fixate on something you have no control over does you no good. If it’s other people and their attitudes that are making things tough, then it takes a lot to realise that while very unpleasant, that’s on them, not you. Their attitude may present a problem for you, but it’s not YOUR problem. The way someone treats you may hurt, but it says so much more about them than it does about you, so don’t get angry or upset and certainly don’t let it eat away at you. Instead, it may just mean that they’re going through something too. It doesn’t excuse it, but it might at least explain it. And if you think of it like that, there’s a lot less chance that the thunder cloud above their head will be passed on to you.

Let me put it bluntly, if you’ve made it to the age where you’re able and allowed to use the internet without adult supervision, then you’ve got this. You’re doing great. The fact that you’ve made it this far shows that you must be doing something right, so hold onto that. Talk to people. Open up, whether online or over the phone – or even in person when the current safety rules allow. Just remember that you never have to be alone and that just talking - or even having a good vent - is absolutely healthy and a good thing. Yeah, call all this the rantings of a crazy drag queen – Or take it from someone who’s been there and felt the dark take hold more than once – You can totally do this!

It’s easy to forget that most people have been touched by mental health issues in some way at one time or another and so many are willing to help lift you back up when you fall. Let them. Falling is part of life. The most important thing to remember is that it’s how we get back up that defines us.

It’s absolutely OK to not be OK all the time. Pass it on.

V x

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