Having only joined this site today... and still getting to grips with it, I came across a blog where someone answered a question about why a lot of submissives act bratty. It was a very good blog and made a lot of sense... so I thought I'd counteract it with my take on the Different Styles of Dominant there are within the lifestyle. Coming at it from a 17yr lifestyler myself... I hope it helps any submissives and maybe the odd Dom(me) out there, who may just be stepping into the scene!!
1. THE PERMISSIVE STYLE DOM(ME)
This is a style where the Dom gives multiple opportunities for redirection. Someone giving “warnings” - four or five times is common. Too much leniency leads to a style that is respectful, but not firm. It also leads to a relaxed structure, but it lacks limits. A Dom(me) will find themselves constantly shifting gears and trying new tactics to try to get their sub(s) to cooperate. The bottom line, is that subs learn they can ignore your words until you take appropriate action.Many (new) Doms who are generally “good guys” or “nice girls” fall into this trap, as they're not sure how far to push their subs.
2. THE PUNITIVE STYLE DOM(ME)
This is a style wherein the Dom(me) gives punishments that may be excessive and possibly insulting in delivery (or without any warning or explanation in advance). This fosters a mindset of: “My sub should have known X would lead to to Y”; rather than “I told My sub that they would get X if they did Y". Agreed, this style is firm, but definitely not respectful. It can be a poor match for a strong-willed submissive or bratty-sub. The bottom line is, overly compliant subs will obey out of fear (which may be fun sometimes, but long-term isn’t a positive thing; that’s not really submission). Whereas, strong-willed subs will rebel or may leave the relationship.
Doms who feel the need to be overly Dominant, or those who have issue understanding the difference between being Dominant and controlling/abusive behaviour, often fall into this category.
3. THE MIXED STYLE DOM(ME)
This is a style wherein the Dom(me) regularly flip-flops between permissive and punitive. They may start out being lenient, but when pushed to a point, they snap. It seems, to the sub, to be possibly at random, and they often can't predict the times punitive action will be taken. This can breed confusion and/or negative attention seeking. The bottom line is, subs will not know when you will be punitive or permissive, and may test you more than usual.
A Dom(me) who feels unable to control their submissive, and ultimately doesn’t understand how to properly manage behaviour or discipline, will often become frustrated and oscillate into a mixed style.
4. THE PROPER STYLE DOM(ME)
This is a type of Dom(me) who's calmness and authoritative manner, can avoid making it personal; avoid being conflicted by emotion; is happy to give limited correctional choices and takes action immediately and consistently, when it's necessary to do so. There is rarely any lectures or bargaining here – simply respect (both for the sub and from the sub), with appropriate actions taken. This style succeeds best, because it is not adversarial, boundaries are observed (on both sides), and trust, honesty and loyalty are evident in abundance. The bottom line is, subs create less conflict because actions are consistent, they are given choices, and respect is a two way street.
A Dom who is in control and understands how to properly train a submissive will fall into this category.
Summary:
The key to being in a D/s relationship is communication. Regular, open and honest discussions between the Dom(me) and their sub... opens the eyes of both parties, builds trust and often leads to a long and healthy D/s relationship.A newbie to the D/s lifestyle, once asked me what to be aware of as a submissive, when selecting a Dom... I gave her two pieces of advice:
a). If looking online, don't be immediately convinced that someone is a genuine Dom(me), just because their username says so!! A large majority of Dom(me)s, who feel the need to advertise their Dominance by giving themselves a username like: "AlphaDom4sub", tend not to be able to keep up the facade for too long... and pretty much only like the idea of being a Dominant because they've seen 50 Shades! A Proper Dominant should not have to advertise the fact!
...and...
b). In real life, just because someone wears a sharp suit and acts like a dick... doesn't make them a Dom(me)! It's the Christian Grey phenomenon all over again! A true Dom(me), when you first meet them... won't be trying to Dominate you from the very first moment you meet. They will want to get to know you, learn about your likes and dislikes, what makes you tick! Look for someone who takes their time and is comfortable and confident in his or her surroundings.
A.D.
