8:32 am Tuesday, 14th November, 2017
It’s National Pickle Day! Yes… this is really a thing. But then again, why not dedicate an entire day to such a delicacy? Did you know that Cleopatra attributed her good looks to her diet of pickles, and that the mighty Julius Caesar fed pickle to his troops, believing that they lent physical and spiritual strength. So maybe a pickle or two before a marathon sex session would be a good investment… providing you indulged in a breath mint or two for afters of course.
Archaeologists believe that Ancient Mesopotamians pickled stuff as early as 2400 BC. That’s almost as long ago as evidence of the first phallic pickle pleaser.
You may think that sex toys rose to popularity alongside the free-love movement in the 60s and 70s, but in actuality these little beauties (or not so little as the case may be) have been used for thousands of years. So to celebrate National Pickle Day, get comfortable and take a trip back in time to discover what tickled the pickles and jerked the gherkins of our ancient friends back in the day.
1904 - The Blow Up Companion
When vulcanised rubber was patented in 1904, and alchemist was recorded having a chat with a ‘Dr P.’ In Paris, a man who created inflatable dolls for the discerning gentleman. A few years later, men were marvelling over mass-produced versions that could imitate ejaculation.
1892 - The Butt Plug
Frank E. Young was a man with a vision - a vision that involved people plugging their buttholes for fun! His ‘Rectal Dilator’ was a horrific 4 and a half inches of agony designed to go where the stars never shone. Marketed as a cure for piles, the devices were peddled to medical professionals. People might well have gone on believing they were medical devices too, were it not for the incredible suggestive instruction book that came with each and every purchase.
1869 - The Vibrator
George Taylor invented the first steam-powered vibrator for doctors to treat females diagnosed with hysteria. Although this version failed to catch on, the same can’t be said for J. Granville’s 1880 ‘electrochemical’ design. Housewives went absolutely crazy for them. So what happened? Well, society accepted the ‘massager’ so long as they could tell themselves that it was for medicinal purposes. When they began appearing in early porn films, the prudes soon put a stop to them. Boo, hiss, boo!
1200 AD - The Cock Ring
As if you didn’t have enough to worry about as ancient Chinese nobility, you also had to frantically pork your wives, mistresses and concubines in desperate urgency to produce a male heir. It may sound like a whole lot of fun ( and likely was a lot of the time) but in such stressful circumstances, performing could become quite difficult. Hence the penis ring was brought to light. Originally made from the eyelids of a goat (thank you internet *screams*) with the eyelashes still intact (*high-pitched screams*), it helped the wearer keep going for hours… even if they were crying on the inside.
500 AD - Ben Wa Balls (aka Love Eggs)
The origins of Ben Wa Balls are uncertain. All we know is that they appeared in the Orient around 500 AD and were originally intended for the pleasure of men. Women soon caught on to the benefits of these babies, and the popularity of the balls went colossal recorded across most Asian cultures, they were the Rampant rabbit of their day and are still widely used now.
23,000 BC - The Dildo
The dildo may well be humankind's most durable invention. Only fire, weapons, clothing and beads (not of the anal variety) seem to have been around longer. And that’s only taking into account the ones that have been found: the oldest known dildo (an eight inch stone monster discovered in Germany) dates back over 25,000 years.
33,000 BC - Pornography
A few years back, archaeologists uncovered a pretty pervy prehistoric statue. Carved from mammoth tusk, it showed a female torso with…erm… highly exaggerated lady bits. Although its age is uncertain, the best guess places it at over 35,000 years old. Somebody better have a closer squint at some of those cave paintings!
So there you go, we have a lot to thank our ancestors for hey. ;-)
Do you have a special accessory that you hold dear to your *ahem* heart? Maybe you have an entire drawer full of secret goodies that can make you wail like a banshee and you want to talk about your love of them?
Have your say in the comments and, who knows, maybe one day these will inspire tomorrow’s titillating pickle pleasers.
