10:01 am Wednesday, 20th September, 2017
Much like your love life rarely resembles a romance movie, your sex life is probably a far cry from what you see in the world of the sexually explicit. If that first sentence does not apply to you, you have no idea how lucky you are. For the rest of us, here are some of the most unlikely, unrealistic and sometimes laughable expectations we get from porn.
Long-Lasting and Orgasms For All…Every Time!
Hey, in real life quickies happen, and they can be great. Other times, you may keep the action going for hours. As long as your needs are being met, who needs a time frame? So, you don’t always climax, and that’s totally fine. You can still have awesome sex without an orgasm.
Real Sex Sounds
In porn there are really only two things you hear; bad dialogue and animalistic orgasms. What about all the awkward smacking, sucking, and slapping noises that go on? Sure they’re a little bit off-putting at first, but hey it’s all part of the game, right?
You’re Perfectly Groomed Below the Belt Before Every Single Hookup
Unless you’ve got a waxing specialist on standby, you’re probably not super-smooth all month long. Plus, we’re willing to bet you don’t let a few stray hairs stand in the way of a good time.
Missionary is Out. Gymnastics are In
Sure Ron Jeremy might be able to work that reverse spider monkey position for hours on end, but in the real world, awkward positions can result in painful cramping. Now we’re all for porn looking as pristine and perfect as possible, but can a guy get a little disclaimer explaining that drilling for oil while their girl is doing a handstand is going to make her neck and his back hurt for a while?
Acrobats Rarely Exist Outside of a Circus Tent
Chances are, you’re not going to be hooking up with a lot of people who like getting freaky while hanging upside-down on a stripper pole in reality. Oddly enough, the porn world seems to be filled with men and women who don’t mind getting mauled in the kitchen sink or tossing a salad or two while bending backwards over a coffee table. As much as we might think it’s cool, that stuff is just uncomfortable. Kitchen table - absolutely! Back seat of a cramped car - sure why not! Face buried in carpet while hanging off the couch - not so much.
Sweat Isn’t as Cool in the Real World
Alright, so this one may be up for debate because many people are up for a passionate, sticky, sweaty romp, but somehow in porn it’s just always sexier. A porn actress glistens when a thin layer of perspiration and a lot of good lighting come together in harmony. But for the rest of us, if you focus on it, it’s just kind of gross.
Awkward Condom Situations
On the rare occasions that a male porn star is actually wearing a condom, it’d be nice to see him struggle with opening the wrapper some of the time, or maybe having a hard time putting it on — it just adds a touch of humanity.
Your Reactions are Always Oscar-Worthy in Bed
When something feels good, definitely let your partner know. But that doesn’t mean moaning so loud your neighbours hear it. Don’t feel the need to mimic the false or over-exaggerated enthusiasm instead of just your natural response—your partner will see right through it.
Every Guy is Blessed with a Pants Python
So this is why guys are so concerned about their penis sizes. In reality the average male penis size is about 5 inches long. Remember it is not about how big it is, it is how you use it that makes all the difference.
Everyone Wants to have a Threesome/Role Play/Dominate You/etc.
Just like you’re not into everything you see online, your bedmate isn’t either. So don’t assume they want to act out every fantasy listed in their browser history.
Remember, it’s fine to use porn to help spice things up—both solo and with a bedmate, but never forget that these X-rated clips aren’t the real deal. Real sex is horny, funny, emotional and..well…just better! What do you think? Tell us in the comments.
