3:52 pm Tuesday, 13th June, 2017
People are ditching their cars and heading to work on public transport in honour of National Dump the Pump Day. And we are giving it a cheeky spin (au contraire).
Ditching the petrol pump for a day could stop us driving out somewhere discreet for a quickie in the car. How will we cope?! By getting creative with risky sex spots of course. Sex in public places anyone? Don’t get caught though! Here’s how:
Timing is Key
The park on a Saturday afternoon? Are you joking? While you may have a couple of places to where you can creep off to be, well, creepy, just think about that awkward moment when someone follows their ball-chasing dog into the bushes and gets an eyeful of another type of balls entirely! There’s nothing wrong with maybe giving someone a quick show of something that they didn’t expect to see on a Saturday afternoon but only if all parties are into a bit of exhibitionism.
Blend In
Probably not the best time to wear a neon t-shirt that screams “Look at me! Look at me shagging over here! Hey! I said look at me!” Try to blend in with your surroundings. Stealth is sexy under these circumstances.
Go Commando
If you’re not already going sans underwear and there’s a moment before your public sex gets going that you can slip away and remove your undies first, then do so. The unfortunate thing about women’s underwear is it seriously interferes with what you’re trying to accomplish, and fumbling to take them off is a real pain. It’s not that you’re on a tight schedule, per se, but anything you can do to prevent wasting time on technicalities beforehand is for the best.
Keep it Vertical
If you’re the type of person who only wants to lie down while getting busy, then public sex might not be for you. Sure, if you’re going to a secluded beach and there isn’t a soul around for miles, then fine, sprawl out. But if not, you need to stand. Find a great support system for your back (building, bathroom stall, doorway, etc.), so you have leverage. Also makes for a swift getaway should you need it.
Skip the Foreplay
Foreplay is great for when you’re at home — and nothing makes sex better than prolonged third base action — but if you want to seal the deal in public, you need to get down to business. This isn’t to suggest that some fondling beneath the clothes to get you and your partner’s body raring to go is completely off limits, it’s just that you want to keep it brief.
Keep it Down
We get it it! You’re a moaner! One of those loud, screaming at the top of your lungs at the very instant of ecstasy type of moaners! I’m so happy for you! But pipe down! The last thing you need is to be moaning, even softly, and have some do-gooder come to your rescue because they think you’re an injured animal who needs some tender loving care.
Don’t Get Too Complicated
There is probably not a single person who’s seen the train scene in “Risky Business” and hasn’t thought, “I would love me some of that.” Tom Cruise and Rebecca De Mornay make it look so easy (once they remove the gawking homeless man from their train car, of course) but that’s the funny thing about Hollywood: they make everything look easy. Whether it’s this you’ve been fantasising about, or the pool scene in “Showgirls” you’ve been dying to recreate, hold off for now. Ambitions are great and everything, but you have enough on your plate with public sex alone, so don’t overload on your responsibilities.
Give ‘Em a Reason
So, let’s just say you do happen to get caught – there’s always a chance the worst-case scenario is possible, right? This is your moment to let your inner actor shine, or at the very least, let your natural ability to lie and get away with it kick into gear. So, what’s your excuse? You were trying to get a bug out of her hair down there with your pork sword? He was helping you find that ring that you swallowed that miraculously ended up in your floof instead of your intestines? I mean, your excuses could be endless honestly, because at that point you’ve already been found out and you are in big trouble, so the ridiculousness that you come up with for your reason WHY is just some extra fun at that point.
Got any more public sex tips? Do you enjoy getting down and dirty outside the home? Share with us in the comments.
