10:24 am Wednesday, 17th May, 2017
When you're worth millions and you have money to burn, it is probably of little consequence to blow a big wedge on something to shove up your back passage. In honour of Millionaire Day this week, and as we are still celebrating Masturbation May, we present to you some of the most expensive and swankiest sex toys around. Oh how the rich orgasm hey!
24- Karat gold handcuffs - $350
Use them as shiny restraints during a sex session, or perhaps pursue a career as the horny King Midas of the police force.
Pearl Anal Beards -$430
We all know that anyone can cram beads in their ass, but when you can afford to fork over 430 bucks for the privilege, you want it to mean something. "In mythology, these pearls were thought to be the crystallised tears of Aphrodite and symbolic of love and wisdom through experience." See the difference the background information makes? Shut up and take my money!
Masturbation Mirror $1,598
There's a good chance you already have a mirror in your house, so why should you spend over a grand and a half on one that's only used for watching yourself rub one out? Well, it's got a little stand thingy to keep it propped up and aimed at your crotch. So there's that at least.
Sterling Silver and Cherry Wood Spanking Rod - $3,066
We're told this spanker's "anatomic handle" improves its "grip and overall balance." That sounds more like the description of a golf club or a sports car, but those are apparently the keywords you need to get anyone to spend over three grand on...well...a stick.
Platinum Vibrator With Encrusted Diamonds - £3,250
Prior to today, we thought "diamond-encrusted sex toy" was a derogatory term for a man who a woman marries for his money and sexual prowess. Yet this "decadent" platinum vibrator is encrusted with 28 diamonds on what we sincerely hope is not the business end.
Silver Butt Plug with Horse Tail - $3,475
This "unicorn" butt plug is made with an actual horse's mane, providing you maximum realism when you feel like lodging a shaft of solid silver in your rectum to role play as a mythological creature.
Gold and Marabou Tickler $4,506
This little beauty is made of 18-karat gold and marabou feathers, and looks suspiciously like a duster. It really is a shame that those extra six dollars puts it just out of my budget. My fancy shall have to remain untickled!
White Gold and Diamond Proposal Vibrator - $54,093
This isn't just a means to an orgasm, it's a down payment on a house. This white gold vibrating wonder comes with a diamond engagement ring in the middle of the two components, which unscrews to give her the most NSFW proposal the world has ever seen.
King Cobra Solid Platinum Cock Ring - $220,000
The makers describe the King Cobra as "the most exclusive cock ring on the globe." Considering it takes 100 hours for an award-winning master silversmith to make one by hand, we won't argue.
The Royal Pearl - ONE MILLION DOLLARS
An Australian jeweller put his many years of expertise to use and created the world's most expensive schlong. Sapphires, pearls, platinum, and over 1,000 diamonds combine to make the gaudiest, and likely the least comfortable sex toy humanity has ever seen. Sir, we salute you.
So folks, what do you think? Is such splurging on sex toys quite unreal, or would you spend your dough on a diamond dildo or two if the opportunity arose? Share with us in the comments.
