There are countless articles aiming to teach us how to enrich our sex lives. Most are inane, others are helpful, and still others are downright laughable. Here are some of my favourite baffling, painful, or otherwise WTF-inducing tips that the Internet wants to do to your nether bits. Because sometimes spicing up our sex lives involves actual spices.
1.“Slip a doughnut around his penis, and slowly eat it off.”
It was the description that cracked me up:
“Gently stick his penis through the hole…”
Gently, ladies! His penis is not a game of horseshoes…until later on in the list!
“…and slowly nibble around it, stopping to suck him once in a while…”
Lest you forget this is a blow job, and not an ergonomically challenging way to consume calories.
“The sugary texture of your tongue will add an interesting new dimension.”
Not sure that glazed spittle counts as a “new dimension,” but it will definitely make for an interesting cleanup, especially if you plan on having sex later with a woman whose vaginal flora isn’t accustomed to sugar (spoiler: all of them).
2. “The key to sexiness may lie in yogurt—at least for mice. The testicles of mice fed a yogurt diet were 5 percent bigger than those on a regular diet—and 15 percent bigger than mice fed a ‘junk food diet,’ according to a new study out of MIT.”
You know what the key to sexiness is? Not mentioning mice scrotums.
3.“Feed each other ice cream [in the dark]. Not being able to see means more spilling, which means more licking up the mess.”
It’s not like we need to sleep here later!
4.“If you’re out in public but want to make your intentions clear, slowly and firmly flick your tongue against the palm of her hand. If she just wipes it off down her skirt, you’ve blown it.”
What other way is there to respond to a hand-licking in public? Hold it up and say, “I’m never washing this again”?
5.“Use your bra to bind his hands behind his back, then cover your nipples in yummy toppings and command him to lick them off.”
Ignoring for a moment why you would want to needlessly stretch out an expensive bra, and how many other better restraints exist in the world, do these magazines think we all have mini-fridges full of Cocoa Pops and Sugar Sprinkles by our bedsides? Because, there’s barely enough room for my bucket of Nutella and bottle of Prosecco as it is!
6.“Sprinkle a little pepper under his nose right before he climaxes. Sneezing can feel similar to an orgasm and amplify the feel-good effects.”
A mini-fridge and a spice rack, got it. There’s nothing that aids an impending orgasm like a dry rub marinade. Besides, what’s sexier than sneezing? Crying, which is exactly what will happen if you’re one inch off.
7. “According to new research, the smell of toast is a serious mood booster.”
A mini-fridge, a spice rack, and a toaster oven. Ok, got it.
8.“Press a fork (firmly, but don’t break the skin or anything) into different parts of his body—his butt cheeks, his pecs, his thighs.”
Because spooning is just not enough anymore! It’s not sex until someone has been stabbed with an eating utensil. I also recommend kitchen tong hand jobs, melon-balling his balls, and that you griddle his fiddle, gently, with a George Foreman grill.
9.“As you’re riding him, clamp down on his earlobes with your fingers, and pull on them to rock yourself forward and backward.”
Try singing, “Do your ears hang low?” while doing this. Also works if your fella wants plugs but is too cheap or lazy to go to a shop.
10.“Move his penis up and down like an old-school Atari joystick—up, down, side to side, in a circle.”
Then throw it against the wall when it doesn’t do what you want! For those times you’d really rather be playing Asteroids, but you can’t because it’s no longer the 80’s.
11.“Hold his penis in one hand and lightly slap it with the other… you can tap it back and forth like you’re volleying a tennis ball and lightly pinch the skin on his shaft and testicles.”
Is it me, or did tennis just get sexier?
12.“Hold her gaze for a minute. If she’s blinking more than normal (which is about 15 times a minute), there’s a good chance she’s on the Pill; women on birth control blink 32 percent more than those who aren’t.”
Or, if unprovoked staring contests and blink calculations are too labour-intensive, you could always cold-clock her and then search her medicine cabinet and purse for the almighty Pill pouch. What’s that? Just ask her? Talking is for chumps.
13. 5 Short Hair Styles that Will Get You Laid
This is less advice and more of a click-baity headline, but I am amused to think that a “cheekbone-grazing fringe” or a “strict centre part” is keeping me from all the awesome sex.
In all seriousness, if you want to know what turns on your man/woman/sex robot, the best advice is JUST ASK. Because it varies from person to person. You should never assume anything about a new sex partner, especially if it involves forks and doughnuts!
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