Soft Skills - getting to the first meeting

This is my first post.

I have been part of the community here for three years and have met several women and couples through the site that live near to me here in Jakarta. I thought I would use this blog to share some stories and my thoughts on some of the elements that have contributed to some great meetings. This is not so much a "how-to" guide since it has become obvious that people on the site exhibit a range of needs and behaviours and that therefore I can really only speak for myself and relate my own experiences. I hope though that there will be some readers that can relate and find some value in what I share.

About myself - I am an Australian expatriate cis-male top in my mid-forties living in Indonesia. I am in a long-term BDSM relationship with Justine - an Indonesian cis-female bottom with whom I have had a loving, kinky relationship for over a decade. Within the kinky arrangement with Justine, we have allowed each other to have sexy meetings with other couples as well as playing together with singles and swapping. One of my favourite experiences with other couples has been in the role of a “bull” in a husband’s cuckold fantasy where he is also humiliated into participating in the scene with his hotwife.

For this first blog I thought it would be good to discuss the idea of more…or less information...specifically how much to communicate prior to a first meeting and then after a meeting.

Confession#1 - I am not a ONS kind of guy. I have had a few ONS and some of those experiences have been really enjoyable...but none have matched the intensity and fulfilment of ongoing meetings that I have had with some other couples and individuals. I can only generalize that assuming everyone enjoys each other’s company, that the sex gets better and women have more orgasms once everyone gets to know each other a little better and are more relaxed with one another… my experiences reflect this though I know that my experience may not be the same as others.

So as a guy that is looking to meetup with people several times and possibly on a long term basis …when it comes to a choice of how much to communicate prior to a meeting, I err on more rather than less. This is chat is done online and may include exchanging photos or sharing inspirational porn links or videos etc. When communicating I want to find out what turns them on…listening to what they think is sexy and especially delving into latent fantasies which may not have been realized. At the same time I will share stories of what was hot in previous meetings with others and what gets me hard while I am chatting with them. As we become more comfortable with one another, people typically open up more and we will both share darker or more private fantasies which we might otherwise feel uncomfortable discussing in other forums…chatting about what we fantasize about when we masturbate – especially what was going through their mind at the point of climax…or sharing our insecurities about what has held us back at different times from turning fantasies into reality to help avoid the same “emotional landmines” or mistakes.

Confession #2 – I believe we must communicate with total honesty in this forum. Total honesty in what we feel, in what we want, in what gets us hard or wet…as well as what we don’t like or what turns us off. This is a rarefied space…we have anonymity if we wish to separate this private sexual life from our vanilla day-to-day public lives…we have like minded kinky souls as our audience who are least likely to judge us…and we have a safe, kinky space to explore our psycho-sexual needs. Some may feel justified in faking or misleading or not opening themselves up…I cannot speak for them…what I know is that I have found it liberating to be able to open up to strangers and discuss some of my secret desires and successes…and even more fulfilling to help someone explore their psycho-sexual boundaries and ultimately my desire is to teach them something new about themselves or otherwise help them get in touch with and release their inner sexual animal.

BDSM lends itself to such open communication. From those at one end of the spectrum who have dipped their toe in the water to those living the BDSM lifestyle day to day…the experience can be so powerful that it trips the circuit breakers in the mind…aftercare…that time spent after a BDSM scene when roles return back to normal and everyone “decompresses” back to reality from the fantasy of play is real and in my mind critically needed – especially for people new to BDSM or new to a BDSM specific experience and aftercare needs to be incorporated into any discussions up front when the scene is being explored. I don’t want to push people too far in a single scene…so I like to go over it at least a few times before meeting. Discussing what will be going on in their mind…discussing a fantasy/roleplay/ scenario that will give the scene context that fulfils their fantasies and mine e.g. her ambitious husband handing her over to the CEO of the company for a night’s pleasure so that he can get the promotion he craves and for her to be trained in how to be a more skilled and servile wife to better support his career …walking through what will happen in the scene…checking with them on what they find a turn-on, what they are truly curious about and what they think they need to happen i.e. without which they might feel disappointed…discussing red/yellow/green lights and hard limits…and then doing a quick check the day before we are set to meet to ensure that they have not changed their mind.

I have had negative experiences – early on I had met a couple that suggested that the best way to prepare a scene was to have no discussions – they stated as one reason, in case we got cold feet and talked ourselves out of it – they preferred to keep everything spontaneous and let it flow on the day. It didn’t go well and I might talk about that in a future post – and like I mentioned at the outset – their approach may very well suit some (or many) people…but I came to realize that it is not for me.

So I will continue to reach out to prospective couples…to talk with them and share…have a few laughs and hopefully find that place where we can be open and honest about our desires and needs and start taking steps in bringing these hidden fantasies into the light of day and making them real.

Jack XX

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