So, I'm new to BDSM, and most sexual expression. My first sex partner has been my only partner. After 18 years everything is over though and I left needing to redefine myself without "her."
Sex during my marriage was vanilla, a nice flavor but boring when it is all you can have. I have a big appetite sexually and for the last few years I have been starving myself, porn is a poor substitute for a really interaction. I've wanted more and different, the little I could talk to "her" about changes in the bedroom was never enough. But bondage, anal, feet, dominance, and so much more have always been personal fantasies of mine that have I have never been able to explore... I've always had to hide that side to maintain the status quo.
As a teen in boy-scouting my favorite thing was knots, I never told anyone why though. In high school I dreamed of a good friend, a cheerleader, and tying her hands with her panties and taking her from behind... we were close friends but never more, still I couldn't help the fantasy. Later I met "her" and we married. I moved to a new country for "her" but she would never do much sexually. I gave, she took. I will say this though after living so long denying me urges I've learned I need to try everything to find out what I like. I love watching a woman move. When she walks the way her hips sway, the way her calves and thighs tense and flow, the swing of her arms, the rise and fall of her breasts. All of it an elegant poetry of motion. When a woman moves I have to remember to breath sometimes. So the thought of a woman laid bare and bound "struggling" to free herself or to be consumed by desire is absolutely breath taking for me. It is something that transcends lust. The thought of laying beside her, teasing her, increasing her need and excitement, well I can only think of it as magical. Over the years I have collected a rope here or there, and practiced knots now and then, but never like I wanted too. Never using them how I wanted too. AND oh how I wanted too... I learned a few decorative knots, a few more interesting ones (like the monkey fist, and imagining where I could use it) and over all kept an aspect of myself hidden. Now though, after 18 years, I find myself alone, a middle aged man with no sexual experiences to really speak of and an overwhelming desire to explore the beauty of the female body. It is a strange place to be, looking for a relationship or simply a partner willing to share this part of me with. It's frightening and exciting at the same time. I want to see just how far I can take it and know just how much I really am interested in.
