[Before you finish reading this entry, you may wish to check out ManilaHotWife's latest blog post on "Lifestyle Whores." It's an insightful read on addiction that is related to today's topic.]
In the film, "The Seventh Son," the mother of the main character sees her son off before he embarks on a training journey. She leaves him one critical piece of advice before sending him on his way: "Everything you need is already inside of you," she says. "You only need to look."
I never thought I'd be applying that principle to myself, especially after that incident with Deedee. You see, it was the opposite perception that served as the source of my problem.
In an earlier blog post, I mentioned that the cause of neediness lies in the perception that I am lacking something and that I must have it in order to be happy. The key to overcoming neediness, then, lies in the understanding that I already have everything that I am looking for.
Case in point: as a former orbiter, I felt that I absolutely needed to be intimate with Deedee in order to be happy. I used to tell myself that being with her would validate me. When I realized that I already had everything I needed to be a lover, I simply decided to BE that lover. The desire for validation (and for Deedee) eventually fizzled out.
The funny thing was that I also attracted a new partner who chooses to swing with me and who treats me in the same new way that I treat myself--with love and respect.
This principle applies to swinging as well. At the deepest, most basic level, It's not really the sex that people are after--it's the pleasurable feelings and sensations that they associate with it. People swing because it's fun and because it feels good, not because they need to feel good. If I can feel good even without the sex, then the potential for neediness is drastically reduced, if not eliminated altogether.
In other words, there is a world of difference between having sex because I need to feel good and having sex because I already feel good.
So why have sex if one already feels good? Let me put it this way: if you discovered something wonderful, wouldn't you want to share it with others? Wouldn't it be awesome to plumb its depths and connect with others as you do so?
That is why I swing.
Adopting this mindset works wonders, even when my partner and I receive the occasional overt or covert refusal. If people say no to us, it's all right--it simply means that they are either not ready to enjoy what we have to offer or they simply do not resonate with us or with it. We then move on to the next potential playmate who does. Sooner or later, someone eventually says yes.
My mentor once told the story of a burnt-out CEO who visited an obscure fishing village in the middle of nowhere just to get away from it all. One day, he saw a fisherman sitting on the wharf, seemingly doing nothing. The fisherman was gazing at the horizon with a contented look on his face.
After observing the fisherman for a few moments, the CEO could no longer contain his curiosity. He approach the man and struck up a conversation.
"Pardon me. I couldn't help but notice that you're staring at the sea. What exactly are you doing?"
"Oh, hello, Senor," the fisherman replied. I'm just enjoying the rest of my day."
The CEO thought it strange. "Don't you have to go and catch fish?"
"I've already caught and sold my quota for the day, Senor. I'll resume my work tomorrow."
The CEO shook his head. "That is foolish. Why, with the time you've got now, you could go out and catch even more fish."
This time, it was the fisherman who was curious. "For what purpose, Senor?"
"Well, you could sell the second batch and make even more money."
"And then what?" the fisherman persisted.
"Well, you could save up enough money and invest in a fleet of ships, complete with the people to man them."
"And then what?"
The CEO started to feel irritated but he continued, anyway. "Well, then you can expand your fleet, outsource it all over the world, go global. You can hire people to run your fleets for you while you oversee all of them."
"And then what, Senor?"
"And then you can make a lot more money and retire."
"And then?"
The CEO took a deep breath. "You can relax and take life easy and be happy."
"Senor," the fisherman calmly said as he stared placidly out to sea. "What do you think I am being now?"
And I mean that on so many levels.
In this series' next installment, I'll offer practical suggestions that people can apply to guard against or overcome neediness. Thanks for reading. Take care and stay tuned!
