Blue Monday, Ruby Tuesday..

1:40 pm Monday, 18^th January, 2016

Its Blue Monday today, its official...
Christmas is a distant memory,
Your broke until pay day..
The credit card statement is due any day
You have given up drinking and you are on the first of many diets of the year...

Life is pretty bloody shit at the moment...
So whilst you dip your dairy milk bar in your whiskey mac and feel the chill of winter start to set back in whilst you sit beside the fire watching the burning embers of this morning's post start to dim...well its the only way you can afford to heat the house, read on cos i think i have the cure for those post yule blues...

I'm gonna tell you a story...take it with a pinch of salts...or a large G & T.

I awake...christ on a bike...my head hurts...somebody please turn off the one million candle power torch that is shining in my face...
I venture to open one eye...there is no torch, just the sun shining through the curtains...the bed is empty and i have no recollection of the night before...

I wipe the trail of drool from my cheek, revealing some red lipstick on the back of my hand...definately not my shade.

Suddenly my phone bleeps as a message arrives..
I pick it up and through my blurred vision i read....
'Wow, you are such a party animal..you just don't give a shit...great time'
'You shoved it to the man...poweoor to you'
'I never knew you felt the same too, Brian'
'We should do it again some time, you were such a beast. Stephanie from Milton Keynes."

I stagger outta bed, downstairs to find a pissed off looking wife..
'Ok, i have no recollection of last night, what did i do?' i ask..

'Well for starters, you started doing tequilas with all the office staff, drinking a shot with all of them. Twenty seven shots...You then was sick over the office juniors head and she was then sick too in her handbag'
'Damn, she is such a sweet young girl'..

'Next, you proceded to kneel infront of the MD and pretended to give him a blow job...poor Brian didn't know what to do, he was so embarrassed'
'Shit, that could be career limiting' i reply.

'Thats not all, you then propose to your secretary, telling he you have fantasies about her and that you want to make her knickers so wet that it runs down her legs...she's a sixty two year old lady that goes to church every week. She did eventually stop hyperventilating and was taken away by an ambulance'
'Ok, maybe i overstepped the mark there'

'But finally you then told your boss that he made you want to be sick, you hate your job and he can poke it so far up his arse he will be able to read your resignation letter as it comes outta his mouth!!'
I ponder this for a minute or two, 'screw the job and fuck him' i say...
'I did' says the wife, ' you start back there on Monday '

I have been married to my wife for many years now, we have had our ups and downs but in that time she has given me three wonderful blow jobs...

She like to express her feelings through sex...i ask for sex and she 'feels too tired tonight, sorry love'

Being with her has made me realise I have married miss right, i just didn't know her first name was always..

My son asked "dad, whats it like being married"...i told him to go away and be quiet and hen he did i aksed why he was ignoring me!

My wife sometimes has ' blonde' moments..
When she found out she was pregnant she asked the doctor 'is it mine?'
She recently accused me of being a control freak...control freak i ask, really, "well" I told her "i'll be the judge of that!"

And finally, there will be a special place reserved in hull for the inventor of predictive text....

I hope you have cheered a little so please post a joke to cheer me up too.

i am here all week and will be appering on Southend pier next Saturday, right after my trouble and strife reads this blog and chucks me off the end of it.

Comments

Fetch1	4:36 am Tuesday, 19^th January, 2016 Ah ,very true. I discovered that it takes two to make a marriage. One ,who is always right and the other who is called the husband.! Don't despair though.. Every time I feel down in the dumps a little voice tells me " Cheer up, things could be worse "...so I do and know what ? Things DO get worse ! Southend Pier eh ? In the good old days,I once had the pleasure of appearing UNDER that with a lady who frequents this site. I distinctly remember parking the Lambretta,removing my pork pie hat and spreading my parka on the shingle.These days however,I do not class myself as either a Mod or a Rocker,preferring to be a combination of both, i e....a Mocker !
Welcumdstraction	6:39 am Tuesday, 19^th January, 2016 Fetch, Oh how cruel those pesky asterisk are... "Appearing under it with a lad*** that frequents this site" Its alright, you secrets safe!!!
eroticgoddess	10:43 am Wednesday, 20^th January, 2016 I choose to work a long day on my feet for close to minimum wage with no hope of change. Can't believe you stole the words out of my control freak hubby's mouth (he actually did say that....). Papers signalling the beginning of my divorce should arrive by courier this week....hold on, there's the doorbell now. Damn....just the Jehovah's Witnesses. I've got bills that I couldn't hope to pay off on my wages for about 23.6 years. If I save money by not eating for that entire time. On the plus side, this year I get to think about how I am going to move into a place that is "affordable" in my area. Since I already won't be eating, maybe I could find something else to use for toilet paper to save that cost, too? I haven't had sex in so long I don't have to sorry about that missed cycle or other signs of pregnancy. Must be due to cancer; ok--we've got this under control. At least I'm not pregnant. I haven't slept well in months. Anxiety gives me panic attacks in the middle of the night where I can't breathe and think I'm dying. Being awake for several hours a night gives me extra time to indulge in a few fantasties while alone in bed. And finally, I have a someone special in my life right now to talk to about all these things. ROLL ON 2016. Ain't life grand?
eroticgoddess	8:26 am Thursday, 21^st January, 2016 OK--I've received a few wonderful emails and comments from friends on my previous comment and would like to say thanks to you all. I meant it to be funny and to say that while it's true (but no, I really do not have cancer), life goes on, and we're in this life to enjoy and be happy. And to have fun! We're all capable of overcoming the worst we've been through, right? Thanks, guys. :)
Welcumdstraction	10:29 pm Thursday, 21^st January, 2016 Eg, As much as i am concerned about your comments...they were a bit tongue in cheek and hey, i watched Friends....once...i know the Americans struggle with humour unlike us very amusing Germans... Oh hang on a minute... I am French... Thank fuck for that... What does concern me is openislands open admission of messing with her hubbys pc... Parental filter....that is just cruel!!! My heart goes out to yer man...i'm with yer bud!!
Fetch1	5:34 am Friday, 22^nd January, 2016 Openisland. If I were a Jehoyah's Witness ( like the one's who ring EG's doorbell ) I would say " Be sure your sins will find you out " However, I give thanks to the Almighty that I am not one of those ! For those who don't know how to get rid of these doorstep pests ,her are few tips. Moan to them that there is not enough crime, sin and hate in the world. Tell them you're Jewish...that always floors them Make up spurious quotes from the Bible ( you will be surprised at how little they know ) I once had an argument with one of them about some words from the Book of Hezikiah.The guy insisted that no such quote came from that book in Bible.You may imagine the pleasure it gave me to inform him that there was no Book of Hezikiah in the Bible.
Welcumdstraction	6:40 am Friday, 22^nd January, 2016 Fetch, To ensure the bible bashing bigots never fondle you knockers ever again, use this simple phrase.. "God?...yes of course i believe in god...why me a the neighbours are just holding a black mass...please, come and join us..." Smear somee tomato sauce over your hands and get somebody to make a bleating noise from within the house to finish the effect.. I haven't seen a JW in my road in years now...they must have printed a warning in flashlight or whatever its bloody called.
eroticgoddess	10:40 am Friday, 22^nd January, 2016 Welcum: we Americans DO struggle with humour (as well as colour and valour), but we get humor very well. Re those who Witness Too Much: Saying your'e Jewish doesn't work...my daughter tried that once, and was floored when they then asked her about the Torah. Luckily she has had enough Jewish friends to wiggle her way out of it. CATHOLIC seems to work best....it was the only thing my mother could ever use to get rid of them (she had weekly bible study classe for a while, a testament to her inability to say no before the catholic approach). Personally, I prefer the very honest "no, I'm not interested" approach. I likely have many praying for my soul as a result---never a bad thing.
Welcumdstraction	11:49 am Friday, 22^nd January, 2016 I dont get this whole Jehovah's witness malarkey..i reckon its organised crime or summin similar. so what has he done that he needs that many witnesses for? And to be trying to get more of them too... The rozzas must be onto what hes upto...not really subtle about it. Surely when he does finally go to court, it will take feckin weeks to bring all that lot up to the stand one by one. Definately making Ronnie and Reggie look like a couple of amatuers!! And people will worship any ol crap... Come on...its a bleedin nut... Ok, so it makes yer hair silky smooth.. but why do i never see any of the buggers in the tesco shampoo isle praying to a bottle of pantene...they just obviously aint that bright.

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Blue Monday, Ruby Tuesday..

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