WHY IS JEALOUSY A BIG NO?

Free, i've had trouble on the site today or would've responded earlier.

Jealosy is a horrible feeling emotion that I'd rather not experience, but sadly I have. This has been in a variety of settings, and the outcome is just a real UGH feeling each time. All it does is push others away and lead to feelings of intense self disgust.

I guess the worst I have experienced is my husband's jealousy of me.....which led to his controlling, abusive behaviours, and my responding by shutting down and being so un-me that, now that I have escaped, has led to most in my life being shocked at the transformation they have seen in me as I become myself once again. His jealousy led me to be the woman who stayed at home, had no friends (NONE), and obeyed. Can you picture it???? Neither can I.

For myself, yes, I have been jealous, though I hate to think of myself as the jealous type. All it has done for me is bring me pain and regrets, though, so I strive to not be that way.

Why are people jealous? The only explanation I have is extreme insecurity and lack of control in their lives. Those who are confident in and of themselves have no need to experience it.

Erotic: I am sorry you went through all that episode in your life. I truly think jealousy in extreme cases is an illness. Unfortunately you married one person with such problem. My only hope is that overtime you heal completely. I am glad to see you are getting over all that (hugs)

My mum married one in her first relationship. He was so sick that burnt all her clothes to stop her from going out once he knew she had been talking to a guy in the market. I am glad she had the courage to just escape from that situation. She was 17 at the time and with two children. Then, met my dad and learned how a healthy relationship was. :)

Open: I truly admire people who trust each other completely and have faith in what they have. I always wonder how couples at certain points in their lives achieve that point. For you, it seems to have had happened naturally. Do you have parameters?

Lilli and Knight: I did have a look at the difference between jealousy and envy. This is what I found out.
1. Envy occurs when we lack a desired attribute enjoyed by another (2 people involved)
2. Jealousy occurs when something we already possess (usually a special relationship) is threatened by a third person (3 people involved)

Therefore, I am thinking that to say "I would love to have Lilli's shoes" would be me being envious..lol

Open: lol...we could share??? ....However, Lilli would have to let one pair go...:P (shoes of course)

Miss V: I used to be jealous..I think Latin Americans in general like a little drama and I would dare to say it is part of a relationship sometimes.
However, with time and due to living in different countries, I have realized the following: if a man decided to leave me for another woman, then I am sure it would hurt but the world is full of amazing men so no point in getting stressed about one.
Having said that, I do feel jealous sometimes but I tend to always express my feelings. I think it may clear things up if a situation was misunderstood and make the other person aware before it is "too late".
And Miss V, I doubt they would find someone like us (hahahahaha it sounds so conceited but I need to feel confident).

If you accept the "lifestyle" advocated by this site, then theoretically you shouldn't feel threatened that someone you've interacted with will be "lost": they may be banging other people, but they will still be around for you and return (eventually :-) So in that sense, is your "jealousy" unfounded ? I think this topic is similar to my "All's fair in love and war" blog, although I didn't really delve into the basics of what makes people "jealous". I've been at this a long time, and I have to admit that in the early stages I did get jealous of partners going off with other men. However, after one particular episode where I behaved like a totally idiotic lovesick teenager, I was able to reflect on my actions and what I was really wanting from all this. It was so excruciatingly embarrassing for me to look back on my behaviour that I guess it was a damascene moment, and since then I have never been jealous of any partnerfriend and how she chooses to live her life. I suppose my attitude these days is akin to "sexual buddhism": the only thing that matters is now, and it's pointless getting yourself worked up about past events (which can't be changed) or future expectations (which revolve around other individuals who are free to choose their own paths that may or may not involve you, and are therefore not worth considering until they actually happen).
Of course some relationships thrive on jealousy, but that's another story...... :-)

Having never had an issue with the green eyed monster, i find it difficult to comment.

I have been on the receiving end of a partners unfounded bouts of jealousy,
The. Checking of text messages, questioning everything i did and a bitter hatred of all of my ex's that she did not know and had never met...all of them were tarts.

I just find jealousy totally unnecessary and it is definately a killer of relationships however it is a human emotion which can be outside of some people's control.

Jealousy is just insecure, petulant attention-seeking - grow up and get over it is the cure!

"Grow up"....exactly.

When I had my own fit, it was because I wasn't emotionally mature.

Do you think maturity is a synonym for less feelings if jealousy? Confidence? or just not love?

I have also been pondering if the lack of jealousy at all is healthy.

FFP: I think it's all to do with growing out of dogma that we held in our youth - you know, all that stuff about having one person around whom one's life *must* revolve to the exclusion of all others. It actually *creates* insecurity because it leave us without recourse should anything go awry. I don't think lack of jealousy is symptomatic of callousness or indifference, if that's what you're suggesting. I think it just means that you "have your shit together" (excuse my French :-)

I have cuckold tendencies - that is I like the idea of sharing my partner (when I get one) with other guys, so I guess I am not the jealous type, in fact it turns me on to see my partner flirting with others.

Maybe a little jealousy is okay. Maybe it shows you care a little.

I do think jealousy is un-healthy. As mentioned before it can lead to controlling and bullying. What is a relationship when there is a lack of trust? Isn't that what jealousy is?

Free,
I dont think that immaturity brings about jealousy,
More so your state of mind.
I am sure there are many factors outside of your control that will define whether you are the jealous type or not...
Those that suffer the worse is due to being insecure and maybe even because they were brought up in an environment full of jealousy between the parents.
Jealousy varies in degrees from mild to outright loon, however a little jealousy isn't unusual and nor does it make you a bad person.
Like others, i picked incorrectly have and payed ever since....

To be on this kinda site, you have got to be able to let go emotionally,
And like those here that are able to do that, i feel very fortunate not to suffer that emotion, my emotions run to crying like a baby when i watch Bambi or ET or Titannic...or when optimus prime died in Transformers!!!
But that was my environment of youth with both of my parents being emotional in that sense....perhaps its runs in the genes, a little like diarrhea...

I am daily becoming more aware that the clock is ticking ever faster for me and I haven't got the time to indulge myself in emotions such as jealousy. Much better to move on and use the the time still available to enjoy those things in life which matter the most and from which you derive enjoyment.

Miss V,
your new photo has intrigued me since i spotted it earlier today....
what is it about the picture that is haunting the darkest recesses of my mind?
Well it has finally come to me.....Sharleen Spitteri on one of the Texas album covers....
Or is that just me and wishful thinking????

Welcum. Miss Valiant is the epitome of Celtic beauty. It's the eyes,you know.

I would have to agree that for me, some degree of jealousy is healthy too. I think it shows to a certain degree that a partner still pays attention to what the other person desires. He notices that other people find her attractive too. I prefer to think that a slight amount of it would make the night better sometimes

To lose your marbles for someone due to jealousy and even making your life miserable or others because of it, it is indeed a problem. I have never experienced anything remotely close to an extreme jealousy episode from me or anybody else in my life. Therefore, I count myself lucky.

Deb: I know what you mean about people like that. However, I think to a certain degree, just to be here on this site trying to be you and experience more from life shows courage. :)

PS: Miss V, I am not envious of your pic, I just admiring it ...lol




img src="imagesadultemoticons022.gif"

Yea! Just gotta love the spectral responses from this delightfully articulate crowd:) from dead-serious (or just a wee bit ill about the edges - hmm, those edges!..), to frank sadnesses, to felicitous to, my fave: shoes!! (which one sage woman opined encompassed sex, but went well beyond it - guess I missed that gene:). Poly folks have spent decades discussing jealousy (to the point one wise woman suggested, 'polys discuss things, while others have happy sex' - touché) & a semi-consensus seems to be jealousy come from a perspective of loss and of love & sex as finite resources (or even more limiting POVs), - whereas some poly folks coined a new term as counterpoint: 'compersion' wherein see in one's love being pleasured happy gives the observer pleasure - cuz the beloved is happy! not too complicated (before the big baad cortex gets up a head of philosophic steam (cured by another kind of head no doubt;). Or as Wiki puts it: Compersion is an empathetic state of happiness and joy experienced when another individual experiences happiness and joy, and the term is regularly used by members of the polyamory community in the context of polyamorous relationships. It is used to describe when a person experiences positive feelings when a lover is enjoying another relationship.
Viva spectral view points! and liberating acts of [the] head;), and of course,, Shoes! Yea:) Can we dance now??

excuse moi, typo correction: in my brief stitch of the thread above the oh sooo helpful spell-checker (& my dyslexic fingers - they have their uses;) apparently converted the poly term 'compersion' to (a new ascii term?): coun****persion - my apologies. Cheers! Happy blogging dear perennially playful and pioneering spirits.

Miss V, it certainly was a compliment and i definately could not have phrased it any more eloquently than Fetch.
I do also have to agree with Deb (Wallace and Gromit) oRose...."Cracking photo miss V but i miss the boobs...now where did i leave the cheese?"

Very similar to the Black Fella's where kids are raised by the extended family group and monogamous marriage as we know it didn't exist. Then the White Fella's with their Christian Religion came along, called it 'Terra Nullius' and promptly embarked on attempted genocide [at least on the mainland as they succeeded on Tassie] all the while jealously guarding the few women among them from each other. Caucasians have a funny concept of 'civilized' and haven't quite figured out that technology doesn't equal civilization.
Gotta go, me Drover's Boy's waiting in me swag...

One Zed Vee Two - obviously the code signal to start the revolution and take out the Establishment. Not much seem to change here does it!

MrChick: Very succinctly summarized. I think that says it all. Something went horribly wrong about 2000 years ago and we've all been suffering ever since. That's why I've converted to paganism :-)

Free For Pleasure. I know how to make everyone else jealous ! As you are a Latino beauty I sure would like to Tango with you to the tune of " Jealousy " Please join me on the dance floor,I'll even put a rose between my teeth ! xxxx

Paganism? - I thought it was Priapism, Skebbie! ;-)

I'd make sure it wasn't one of those infamous 'Rambling Rectors', Sir Fetch! ;-)

You're right Skebbie, but i suspect it may have had more to do with Constantine and the Council of Nicea in the C4th in terms of consolidating doctrine and power-base.

Nothing changes. Jesus overturned the money-lender's (usurers) tables at the temple and we still have't learned our lesson about bankers as witnessed by the following quote by, Sir Josiah Stamp [then President of the Bank of England] -
'Banking was conceived in iniquity and was born in sin. The Bankers own the Earth. Take it away from them, but leave them the power to create deposits, and with the flick of a pen they will create enough deposits to buy it back again. However, take it away from them, and all the fortunes like mine will disappear, and they ought to disappear, for this world would be a happier and better world to live in. But if you wish to remain servants of the Bankers and pay for the cost of your own servant, let them continue to create deposits.'

The dopey *****'s deleted the link post but left the follow-up floating about rather out of context. Anyway, the link if anyone is remotely interested, is The Drover's Boy by Ted Egan, on 'you' know what. It tells a poignant story about another 'less than flattering' side to White Fella history, 'though some relationships were genuine.

img src="imagesadultemoticons028.gif"

Er.....quite.

MrChick: Quite right. Constantine soon figured out that he could use this new religion as a tool for political control. Since then Church and State have been one and the same, despite protestations to the contrary in so-called democratized societies. The aftermath has been profound to the extent that we all still flinch psychologically at words like "adultery" and "sodomy". Hilarious isn't it?

Deborose,I am tempted to do my Desmond Dekker impression and to perform t" The Israelites " for you. " wake up in the morning,slaving for bread,Sir " etc.
I would like all you lot who are pontificating about religion to remember this little ditty.....
" When Jesus was alive,two thousand years ago,
He voted Conservative......and Jesus ought to know ! " ( may God forgive me ! )

A PS for Debs. You seem to be a big fan of Moses despite him foisting the " Thou shalt not commit adultery " clause on the Israelites ( they only accepted the Ten Commandments because they were free and they didn't have to lay out any money for them ! )
I expect you know that Moses was also a keen motorcyclist as it says in the book of Exodus " The roar of Moses Triumph was heard in the hills " A lesser known fact is that he passed his bike on to Joshua who didn't look after it properly and the exhaust pipe eventually fell off. Consequently " The roar of his Triumph was heard throughout the land "

did he say Blessed are the cheese makers?

Openisland. Thank you for your nice comment. Every time I look at my collection of old British coins I shall think of you.There is an old penny known as the " Honolulu Penny " Most pennies depict Brittania with her trident by her side but on this one she seems to be pleasuring herself with the end of the trident placed " On Her Loulou! "

Nooooo.....free is gone!!!
Fly free my beautiful....

Pushed or jumped???

It's OK, she'll revert to her previous profile :-)

The 'Honolulu Penny' was probably quite an apt design! The young Victoria (and her consort, Prince Albert) may have been virgins on their wedding day, however they soon made up for 'lost time' and Albert was rumoured to have been particularly well endowed.
While Albert had a reputation for being rather a prude, Victoria certainly had quite a reputation for being something of a nymphomaniac and apparently wasn't averse to 'tipping the velvet' either! There were plenty of rumours regarding Mr Brown combing the environs of Balmoral for nubile young women for the Queen's 'pleasure'!
Of the post-Georgian royals, it's Edward Vll who was victor ludorum (whilst batting for both sides) and puts Casanova to shame. Time for young Harry to lift his game!

**** alert! Today's algo 'paranoia de jour' seems to be:
'y ha' and 'y ha'
obviously has a thing about cowboysgirls
Moronic!

MrChick: "Harry Hewitt" I presume :-)

Uncanny isn't it! - Still, just the royals doing what the royals do best!
King John sold out on the 'common man' - who's inalienable right to life, liberty and land he was sworn to protect - in 1215.
800 years later and 'he' still doesn't get it!

Mr Chick,
It dunna like y ha, not for its link to over zealous shermans but cos it represents a hostelry for utes by association... Or summin like that.

As for Free, hope it is just a sabbatical but i don't think it may be. :'-(

what is my story? I am a man who like women's cloths. But when I wear panties I find the parts down there to large to fit well they try to get out so would like panties to fit. I wish the parts down there are not there. What ease am little shy to go out in public wearing women's cloths and find it hard shopping in shops so buy them on line. I ask my self why is that when girls buy men's cloths, like at xmas and birthdays and so on it's ok for them but not for me. img src="imagesadultemoticons011.gif" img src="imagesadultemoticons013.gif"

How deliciously non sequitur :-)

Felco secateurs?

I think I need another double espresso, Welcum!

What a great crowd, Fetch you crack me up!: Moses, biker-prophet:) And totally agreed O-IslandCouple:) as humans go, many Polynesian cultures were so much more humane than the um, boxes we stuff ourselves into today. Even better tho: Matriarchal society, Lots! of sex, more sex, oh, and plenty of sensual touching (ahhhh..), very little conflict, and, a high fruit diet:) - geeez Louise! what a great model for living from our closest cousins. We've so much to learn from the Bonobos. Maybe a Bonobo dance-alike puu puu potluck for ThanksGiving?:) Heal the world: dance like a Bonobo! (see also the piercing and unique voice of Vanessa Woods in her book Bonobo Handshake)

Awooooow!!! to your music and images scorching my remaining two neurons.. Merci beaucoup ame mahalo nui loa OpenCpl:), my primate brain just had a minor blow-out & my lupine roots are howling *,* (& so srry about ur panties!! won't happen again;) Yea 2 rhythms!! be gr8 to hear your man's music & oh so fab: hey! to cu dance to dem deep dark jungle beatsz (jungle: from the Sanskrit jangala: arid, sparsely grown with trees - altho that can change;) Total eclipse of the Mooooon ( O ) Ciao-O

Pohaku: Wot u on, man? I tried to translate your post by selecting a variety of languages from the big gee translator, but none of them were able to make sense of it. If you could take a week off the magic mushrooms and post again, I'll have another crack at it. Cheers :-)

Hey Skeb,
Think when any of us go into a full colloquial rant we are all incomprehensible to anyone that was brought up more than 20 miles away from us....
Unfortunately the Bee Gee translator hasn't learnt all very style of language, not even stoned monkey...
fortunately it does have Mockney, so when Jamie Oliver is givin it large, i can work out what the berk is saying...
Fuck me, they gotta have good king lears in 'ertford for Mr Oliver to ave eard the Bow bells when 'e was born.

Aw give the poor bloke a smidgin of credit; at least he's got enough of a sense of humour and word play to call his travelling soup kitchen the 'Cock In Cider' and get it on the Brainwashing Corp before 9pm. Beyond that give me Clarissa and Jennifer any day!

Aw give the poor bloke a smidgin of credit; at least he's got enough of a sense of humour and word play to call his travelling soup kitchen the 'Cock In Cider' and get it on the Brainwashing Corp before 9pm. Beyond that give me Clarissa and Jennifer any day!

I gotta admit i do like him,
met him at his uncles pub in Pagglesham a few years ago..
pretty down to earth but he ain't a bleedin cockney...
alright for those north of the gap that think all suvverners eat jellied eels, wear suits covered in buttons and talk like Dick Van bleedin Dyke, who by the way is an honorary Cockney for his services to incomprehensible speech...

Ahh yes, and the Coq in Cider,...that is an old Breton family recipe....however it did make me chuckle when i saw it on TV before the watershed....He wouldn't get away with it ere though!!

Rant over...I thank you for listening (as he steps down from his soap box)