Male Dominants - The Four Main Styles

Having spent over 20 years living the BDSM Lifestyle, I've come to notice a few things about those who call themselves a Dom/Alpha/Master/Owner ...or whatever other variation of nomenclature is deemed suitable at the time. The variation of styles being one of those 'things'!

Personally I prefer to see myself as a switch, but mainly for the reason I firmly believe that in any D/s relationship, a role reversal is often the best way to learn more about your respective partners. For example, when a submissive switches into a Dominant role, it's extremely likely during negotiated scenes, that they will attempt to do things to their play partner that they wish to experience when switching back to their usual dynamic. Additionally, for the Dominant to experience what it's like to be flogged, caned, punished, used... etc., can often be incredibly enlightening to say the least, and as such allows them to better develop and improve their own techniques. Personally, I would never use a WAD (Weapon of Ass Destruction), on any submissive that I have never experienced myself.

What I personally noticed during the '50 Shades of Grey' era, was that the lifestyle became saturated with fake Dominants, who believed that all they had to do was buy a sharp suit, act like a prick ...and the submissive's would come-a-running. No time was taken to learn about the lifestyle ...take mentorship from more established Dominants ...or even learning from submissives, as to their needs and wants.

It was at this point that I decided I wanted to know more about what styles of Dominant there are out there... so I observed at Munches, spoke to other Dominants and more importantly, spoke to many submissives (with the permission of the Dom if the submissive was taken, of course).

What I came to observe, was that there are (in my opinion) four different styles of Dominant, three of which can leave a submissive somewhat confused as to their role, and often (unknowingly), tend to be the styles adopted by those who are relatively new to the lifestyle and and as such, still require some mentoring of their own.

Of the four, I'll start off with:

The Permissive Dominant

This is a style where the Dom gives multiple opportunities for redirection. Someone giving “warnings” four or five times is common (often more). Too much leniency leads to a style that is respectful, but not firm. Yes it can provide a relaxed structure, but it very often lacks limits. This Dominant can constantly be shifting gears or trying new tactics to try to get their submissive to co-operate. This is often a style which manifests itself in a dynamic which was born out of a relationship that started off as vanilla, or as an attempt to spice up the sex life, thinking they could give BDSM or D/s a try as an angle to achieve the spice they are seeking. Not a bad thing... but definitely a case of "some mentoring required"!

Bottom Line: with this style of Dominant, submissives learn they can ignore your words until appropriate action is taken. It can often lead to annoyance and frustration on the part of the Dominant and the 'consequence' can, in some cases, turn out to be too severe ...or no consequence at all as the Dominant will feel defeated and lead to him becoming abject and reserved.

Additionally, many (new) Dominants, who are generally “good guys”, also tend to fall into this trap, as they don’t want to push their submissives too far. In this case, my advice is basically this:

Communication, Communication, Communication... as with EVERY D/s relationship, this is the key! Talk to each other and set boundaries and most importantly, have SAFE WORDS!

The next style would be:

The Punitive Dominant

This is a style wherein the Dominant gives punishments that may be excessive and possibly insulting in delivery (sometimes without any warning or explanation in advance), normally to fulfil a need or desire of his own rather than a shared participation and enjoyment of the act.

This type of Dominant tends to centre his specific style of Dominance around punishments and often may not explicitly state his reasons in advance. Relying on his own misguided belief that saying after the event: “You should have known X would lead to to Y”, is acceptable and acts as a form of aftercare or suitable explanation, rather than laying down rules and guidelines for the submissive to follow or providing opportunity for her to correct her behaviour. This style is firm, but it is in no way 'respectful'. This dynamic can be a very poor match for strong-willed submissive or bratty-sub.

Imagine how you would respond if traffic laws were punitive; yes you’d learn the rule, but you'd be pretty damn pissed at the way the message was being communicated.


Bottom Line:

~ Overly compliant subs will obey out of fear (which may be fun sometimes, but long-term isn’t a positive thing; that’s not really submission).
~ Strong-willed subs will rebel or seek revenge or even worse, have an inherent disrespect for their Dominant.
~ The Punitive Dominant will often skip from one D/s relationship to the next, because the submissive tends not to stick around too long due to the semi-abusive nature of the dynamic.
~ It can sometimes lead to the Punitive Dominant earning himself a bad reputation within the community.

Dominants who feel the need to be overly forceful or domineering, or those who have trouble understanding the difference between being Dominant and controlling/abusive behaviour, often fall into this trap.

Number 3 on the list:

The Scatter-Gun Dominant

This is a style wherein the Dominant oscillates between the previous two styles of Dominance (Permissive and Punitive), with little to no understanding as to when or why they flip flop between the two styles. They may start out being lenient, but when pushed to a point, they appear to be incapable of preventing themselves from snapping, and it's at this juncture that any previous levels of leniency are completely forgotten about.

To the submissive, this scatter gun method of Dominance can appear as unpredictable as the weekly lottery numbers, not knowing what behaviour will trigger a permissive or punitive reaction from her Dominant. This in turn can, over time, often render her personality as withdrawn or jumpy/nervous in his presence.

Along with this confusion, it can also breed a form of negative attention seeking. The submissive who does not normally identify as bratty, can often become so... and the submissive who does identify as bratty, will often push the bratty "Turbo button", and act-out much more than they would do normally! In so far as both of these changes in submissive persona can still be seen as attention seeking, it can also be seen as a poorly thought out attempt at assessing where her Dominant's trigger levels may be on any given day.

Bottom Line: submissives who are unable to assess when her Dominant's persona will be punitive or permissive, tend to test him more than usual, and a Dominant who feels unable to control his submissive and doesn’t understand how to properly manage behaviour or discipline appropriately, will become frustrated and oscillate into a Scatter Gun style.


So finally, that leaves us with...

The Composed Dominant

This is a Dominant who takes SSC (Safe, Sane, Consensual), seriously. He avoids making it personal, avoids emotion when necessary but is not DEVOID of all emotion. He gives limited, yet appropriate choices, takes action immediately and is thoroughly consistent.

There are no long boring lectures or bargaining here – there is simply respect, from both the Dominant towards the submissive as well and the expected respect from submissive to the Dominant.

This is a Dominant that truly cares about the well being, both physically and mentally, of his submissive and will guide and mentor, therefore allowing the relationship to blossom and develop organically over time. He is someone who has a care and compassion for his submissive that can far surpass many vanilla relationship and it succeeds because it is not adversarial.


The submissive also knows her role and what is expected of her, and as such has a level of respect for her Dominant that can be seen as lacking in the previous three Dominance styles.

Bottom Line: a submissive creates less conflict because attention and actions are consistent, they are given choices, and respect is evident. The submissive will feel more comfortable in the surroundings of the relationship and a calmer, less anxious feeling will obviously be apparent within her. A Dominant who is in control and understands how to properly mentor his submissive will fall into this category.



So... what can we take from all of the above? I believe for a man to become an effective and well rounded dominant, he needs to do (at the very minimum), the following:

1) Research the role. Don't (as it says at the beginning of this blog), rely on acting like a prick in the misguided assumption that your actions will gain the respect of your submissive. Speak to other Dominants within the Lifestyle... watch their actions, but more importantly, observe the reactions of their submissive(s). A submissive who is reacting out of fear or distain, will do so less willingly that one who is reacting out of respect.

2) Communicate with your submissive. Communication is probably one of, if not THE most important part of any relationship... but I would say even more so in the BDSM Lifestyle. For example, whenever I personally enter into a D/s relationship where I am taking on the role of the Dominant (yes I am a switch, so there are occasions where I'm not the Dom), I set aside a time slot each week, where we can both speak openly, where the submissive can say whatever she feels may be concerning her... or if there is anything she may wish to add or remove from the Dynamic. This doesn't mean we do not communicate at any other time... the set time slot is like a kind of therapy for both of us where we lay our cards on the table for the benefit of the relationship and our emotional/mental health. We see it as a scene and as such, follow on from this with appropriate aftercare!!

3) Negotiate with your submissive, as to what you both expect from the relationship dynamic, don't just expect to know. There is nothing worse than just "winging it", when it comes to a BDSM Relationship ...it can be mentally, emotionally and/or physically harmful if not negotiated fully in the outset. I have an ethos that probably most Dominants have, and that's never do something to someone else that you wouldn't happily have done to yourself. It's not deep or indeed meaningful... but purely based on the knowledge that as a Dominant, you have a duty of care towards your submissive and she is trusting you with her mental, emotional and physical (MEP) wellbeing. So it's imperative that you and your submissive, negotiate your relationship in the very early stages (if not right at the beginning). It goes back to that old adage, "Two minutes of embarrassing dialog, can often prevent a relationship full of sh*t sex!"

As per usual... I never know how to end a blog, so I'll finish with:


And they all lived happily ever after... THE END.

• Add Comment
• View Blog