Sexual, Sensual Reflections: Neediness (Part 4)

Author Alan Cohen once narrated a story of how elephants are trained. According to him, the process starts when the creature is very young. A trainer ties the young beast to a wooden pole. Try as it might, the baby elephant cannot escape. After a few frustrated attempts, it gives up and resigns itself to its inability to escape.

Here's the curious thing. This resignation goes on until the elephant matures and becomes much stronger. It is quite capable of easily uprooting the wooden pole from the ground but it does not do so. It still believes that it cannot because that is what it has grown accustomed to.

Neediness is somewhat like that.

In the previous installment, I promised that I would include practical strategies on how to guard against or overcome neediness. Before we begin, however, here's a powerful principle that you can take home with you that builds upon the principle I introduced in this series' previous installment:

It is possible to be committed to looking for intimacy without being attached to the outcome.

My mentor explained the difference this way: Attachment is the emotional element of the equation. Commitment is the process.

He spoke of a place near the desert near Reno where thousands of talented artists meet and create exquisite works of art...only to burn them after the meeting. The interesting thing is that these pieces of art can easily fetch millions on the market. However, selling them would be missing the point--they are only their to celebrate the process, not the outcome.

Looking for a swinging partner is very much like that. Sometimes, people can get so fixated on one person or couple and forget to enjoy the process of looking for one. There has been an overemphasis on the results rather than the experience.

Abe-Hicks put it this way: would you rather have all your orgasms all at once or would you rather spread them out and enjoy the deliciousness of the buildup?

Far too often, people have trained their minds to think that getting the girl, the guy or the couple into bed is the only way to succeed. Swinging becomes an all-or-nothing affair and that tends to cause problems.

What if we shifted our focus from the results to the possibilities instead?

This is the bottom line: the key to overcoming or guarding against neediness, involves a shift in perception. It requires retraining our brains to think differently so that neediness no longer takes hold. You can, quite literally, choose to NOT be needy. It's just that people have been practicing neediness for so long that they've forgotten that an alternative exists.

There are many ways you can concretely apply this. Here are a few suggestions:

1. One thing you can do is to apply what I call the "Cuticle Technique." Whenever you feel the neediness coming along, or start thinking that you will only be happy if ___ (fill in the blanks), dig the nails of your index fingers into the cuticles of your thumbs. This is the light-pinkish area farthest from the tips where the base of your thumbnails meet the skin of your thumbs.

Obviously, this works better with longer nails.

The point behind this practice is simple: you are conditioning your brain to associate neediness with pain. Do this often enough and you will shy away from needy thoughts and feelings. Remember: people tend to move away from pain and move toward pleasure (though there are exceptions to this).

2. Have an accountability partner to call you out on your neediness. The friend I called up during that incident with Deedee did that for me. Look for someone whom you can trust and who will help you--someone who will stab you in the front.

3. Have a list of potential alternatives just in case. Unless you're really lucky, the first person you send a message to on The Hub will probably not be your first playmate, either. Have a plan B, C, D, etc. It may take several or even many attempts but trust that you will get there eventually.

4. Take a "lifestyle-fast" every now and then to enjoy things other than sex and swinging. Follow your other passions and your joy, not just your libido. This allows you to detach, renew your perspective and appreciate other non-sexual pleasures. Return to the lifestyle when you feel you are more centered and balanced.

In the series' fifth and final installment, I'll include a little something for all people who have been hurt by others who took advantage of their neediness. Stay tuned and thank you for reading.

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