Chapter 16 - Buttman vs The Woker

Chapter 16 - Buttman vs The Woker. Superheroes are real.






Long ago they had been friends, the very best of friends, black-garbed flatmates guarding the twin pillars of honesty and liberty in goth city. They laughed and smoked and drank together, sure in the knowledge that they'd always be defending the free world side by side. But it was not to be.




Despite his superhero status, Buttman was a fairly regular guy. He hadn't always been the Buttman, he'd once prized pussy but a long time ago he'd realised that butts were way more exciting. In recent years he'd come to terms with his transvestisism and bisexuality, he'd found a happy place where he could share his desires with others. Buttman knew that dressing up as the opposite sex could be monstrously exciting, and he indulged in it frequently.




The Buttman believed that everyone should be free to enjoy whatever they wanted to do as long as it didn't harm anyone else, everything to be consensual and no beasts or nippers involved. But the capering crusader also knew deep in his heart that men were men and women were women and one could not become the other. No matter how someone dressed, acted or named themselves or whatever surgery they had, no one could change what they were. But most importantly of all, Buttman recognised that not everyone shared this view, and he was kind and tolerant to those who hadn't worked it out yet.




As regards work, the Woker didn't. Tragically a depression/confidence issue in his early twenties had been mistreated, condemning him to a layabout life of free everything. Under the guise of care, corrupt authorities had plied him with drugs and bad advice and turned his mind to jelly, not yummy with ice cream but the really nasty sort found in tins of cooked meat. With a lack of real things to do the Woker sought solace in the information superhighway, but on his honest quest for knowledge something awful had happened.




The Woker came to believe that anyone could become anything they wanted to be, and the normal rules of science didn't apply. A noble concept to be sure if it were true, but it wasn't. He began to see prejudice and inequality where there simply wasn't any. He believed that the internet world was more real than the real world. In short, he had forsaken the sacred guardian angel of common sense.




The Woker became unable to accept any point of view other than his own. His susceptible mind had been infiltrated by extremism, now he truly believed that the only opinions that mattered were those belonging to a bunch of pronoun-obsessed single-minded nazis, most of whom were professionally off sick. Buttman felt so sorry for his old friend.




Buttman tried to make the Woker see sense, to explain to him that not every person has the same point of view, that everyone's opinions were equally valid. But it was fruitless, the Woker could never be happy anymore except when he was offended, and he was determined to be offended for everyone all the time, even when there was nothing to be offended about.




The final straw came when the Woker asked Buttman how he identified. Chrissakes you've known me over thirty years, I'm a bloke called XXXXX who likes to wear womens clothes sometimes, you know exactly who I am raged Buttman, scarcely able to believe his pointy ears. But then came the devastating realisation that they no longer knew who each other was at all, and it wasn't because they were wearing masks.




Buttman swore revenge on the fiends and charlatans who had brainwashed his old pal, and then he changed his mobile number and didn't tell everyone because frankly the Woker's skewed vision of the world was really getting on his teats. Their decades-long friendship had to be put aside for an unspecified length of time or it would be destroyed forever. To this day, the Buttman hopes that there will come a time when they can rekindle the comradeship and understanding that they once both held so dear.




DB I love you for the old times brother and we'll always have them.






Love, Stella X

• Add Comment
• View Blog