Chapter 9 - Freer as a Bird

Chapter 9 - Freer as a Bird. Nine chapters? Yeah like he knows nine words.






OK bit of background for those who couldn't be arsed reading chapters 1-8 and like me, may be wondering who I think I am. Joined this site just over a year ago after dressing up secretly for 40 years, still buzzing big time that I can talk to people about this, and chuffed to bits that a few people have liked my pictures. Amazingly I am still dating a goddess I met here, if you haven't met yours yet stick at it X I talk on the site because I'm gobby, different and need an outlet for my lowbrow humour. With writing, got flair but unschooled, still trying not to start every sentance with an I but it's all about Me anyway, my story and my journey, haven't been on anyone else's. A breath of fresh air here, like the first time you visit a farm.




I've come out to a few people about dressing up - I don't dress, I dress up but I'm not precious about it. At this stage in my life I can do without everbody knowing. I do a job which takes me out and about in the local community, not being too specific I have an NVQ in passenger transportation. Been busy? Yeah busy dressing up in women's underwear, don't ask if you don't want to know the answer. Were the local public to know about my thing, doubtless I'd be the subject of some abuse and ridicule. Verbally at least, I tend to give as good as I get, offensively defensive you might say, can only see that one ending in fisticuffs and job dismissal when I hear a word I don't like.




Not long after I joined the site I felt a big urge to tell people about the real me. So long in the closet, so dying to open my big mouth. I'm as close to my adult daughter as I am to anyone, she was the one I really wanted to talk to about this stuff. But she's also so close to her mum, my ex-wife, that I couldn't tell her at first for being worried about her not keeping her trap shut and spilling the beans to Mummy. Were said mummy ever to find out, what an absolute ball she'd have telling my friends workmates boss customers landlord neighbours and dealer, pretty much everyone I've ever met and his dog. I wouldn't be more out if I hung around the town square in full dress and makeup, hello sailoring every fecker. My home town is not exactly San Francisco, so my daughter wasn't the first person I told.




Instead, I gave me big sister the news, she was the first person I told face to face. Suppose that was a trifle tricky at first, but once I started I couldn't shut the feck up. She's just a couple of years older than me, we fought a bit as kids but very close ever since. It was just Mum, her and me growing up together in our little terraced house. Sis was great about it, even when I told her that I used to wear her clothes when she went down the youth club. She's a star. I'm not sure who's the big sister now.




Then I told my daughter, and what a smart move it was. My earlier fears evaporated after a big heart to heart, she knows her mum is a complete loony. She immediately gave me some makeup, we've been shopping for clothes and makeup together, she sees the non-naughty pictures I post and she reads my blogs. Jebus, her acceptance and understanding fills me with absolute joy. To share my thoughts and feelings with her is the best thing. She did in fact suspect when she noticed I'd started shaving me legs, but waited for me to fess up. Her fiance also knows, I told her - tell him if you want, but no one else or you'll get none of Grandad's money. I didn't really say that, but I wanted her to be able to share the burden of knowing that her dad was a total sissy without her telling Mummy. She's been with this guy for years, and I like him. Since I already trust him with the most important thing in the world, trusting him with my little secret was no big deal. And he knows that my daughter would give him such an asskicking if he grassed. No one would risk it.




I haven't told my son, and I'm not certain of the whys. He's a few years older than his sister, he's early thirties, we're close but I know I'm closer to my daughter. Mothers and sons, dads and daughters, you know how it is (Moderator there is no suggestion of impropriety intended here). He's bigger than me and more respectful, handy and confident. The boy's been living with his fiance a few years, though I'm sure he's not asked her yet, smart as well. If I told him that I loved to dress up in women's clothes and had a gurlfriend I don't think he'd judge me or think any less of me, treat me any differently at all really. The reason why I've not told him surely is, I don't want him to tell his mum.




My mum really doesn't need to know. Early stages of Alzheimer's, couldn't manage on her own without her husband of ten years, bless him. She's mid seventies, found the right guy later in life. She really did her best for me and my sister. If I told her everything she may not fully understand, or might tell people by accident. Not like me to keep things from me mum, but I reckon this is for the best. She knows I'm doing alright. I may have mentioned me dad in the last chapter.




Have also come clean to a handful of old friends about my special bent. Four at the last count, they're mostly straight. Proper mates, lads I was either at school with or met not long after, may not see em for years but when we get together it's instantly just like old times. None of them live round here anymore, work or women dragged em away. I was naturally a bit scared that the fraternity I've enjoyed with a few blokes for thirty or forty years would be buggered up by my newly overt sissyness. Backs to the wall lads here's Stella or summat like, but I've had nowt but acceptance and support from them all. Bit obvious really, was a sally twit to ever think it would be different. Told one of the straight lads - don't worry, I won't be looking at your arse. Why what's wrong with my arse? he demanded, twas funny. Like I ever needed to worry about my real friends.




So I'm sort of out, not to joe public but to most of the important people in my life, and it feels wonderful, like I can be more me. I've always been honest with these folks, now even more so. No one I've told seems to have been that surprised, and there was me thinking I was such a tough guy. Having shed the guilt of silent denial I'm a free man, freer as a bird.




Love, Stella X

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