meeting my shadow self
I’ve been feeling into my subconscious. This usually requires some level of madness. The issue for me is a simple one; masculinity. Masculinity is an ever shifting goal. One never quite reaches it. And I’ve been wound up tight for a long time. One either 'is' or 'isn't', and the isn't part is much larger part of the whole.
Now that I’ve left the military and an decently read up in post modern existentialism, I’m beginning to wonder what it would be like... freer? And here’s the dilemma. I mean bondage. Specifically being submissive.
For years my porn browsing has moved toward bdsm. At first it was blowjobs. Then blowjobs with handcuffs. Then a collar and leash. Mostly women, sometimes men, many times trans that we’re giving the blowjob. Many times I’ve imagined it was me.
Since the 90’s I’ve sought out men in porn booths, at the river, or even a park. I was once picked up by a woman and later her gay friends made a move on me. I was active marines at the time abs had been in more than a few fights. Yet I crumbled beneath his hands reaching to pull my cock out. I was so homophonic at the time, I didn’t know. It was a week later that I had sex with a guy in a porn booth, my first guy, and then I gave him my first blowjob as the giver.
Since I’ve got got out and have spent the majority of time alone and in introspection, reading Jung and trying to meat me Shadow, the nightly fantasy has invaded my daytime. And in the meantime I’ve ordered two cocks, a collar, and a cock cage chastity lock.
I’m currently locked in chastity now, with the key on my altar, where I also have statues of various goddesses; Hecate, Hel, The Morrigain, Freya, Lilith.
