I'm not really all-the-way into that but...

yesnoallquit

I have this persistent fantasy, one i haven't been able to shake. It's actually unusual for a fantasy of mine in a couple of different ways, i'm not into public humiliation.


The fantasy hinges more on the threat of embarrassment. Ideally i keep my cool and no one else is the wiser. But in a public place with a group of people i want someone to surreptitiously urinate into a beverage container and then tell me to drink it. Maybe we're at the morning meeting at work, maybe you're the coworker who knows i'm a freak when everyone else doesn't.


You might show up with two coffee cups, one for you and one for me. I don't know anything's out of the ordinary when you hand me mine. When i taste that first sip my eyes will widen. Like a car driving on the freeway when the transmission falls out, my whole way of interacting with the world will phase change.


I'll look to you for something, anything. I'm not sure how i'd want you to act at that point. A sly, knowing smile? Do you completely ignore me? From my side i know i'll obey. One mustn't make a scene. It would take no special effort on your part to get me to debase myself like this. I'm obedient. I'm afraid of confrontation, maintaining an appearance of normality will be my second highest priority.


My highest priority, the thing i want most in the universe is to be trustworthy. Ask me if i want to be yours and i won't take my answer lightly. If i decide to subjugate myself to you then i will be subjugated to you.


Surely no one would notice, right? I have no idea. The smell will be overwhelming in my imagination. I'll have that paranoid "Everyone can tell" feeling. There will be a smell on my breath. The possible fallout is horrific. I would want to whimper, beg for some other course of events but that would be making a scene, and one mustn't.


At a party might be better. It'd be more complicated. Maybe you can get my drink to the bathroom or maybe you've got a flask of adulterant prepared. Perhaps someone sees me drinking from the flask; They might ask for a taste and i'd have to divert and dissemble. I can imagine the blood pounding in my ears. I can feel the vacant smile i'd have locked in place. I can feel your eyes burning into me as you watch me squirm.


Naughtier still, you might give me my prize and then vanish. With my social fluency what it is i'd be adrift without you. Then someone is walking toward me with a devious grin. You told them something about me but i don't know what. I'll have a conversation with this person that is taut, fraught and ironic. They have the power and they'll use it to make me suffer, hopefully.

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