What a long strange trip it's been.

Calicosub

Hello everyone, this is my first blog ever. So let me tell you a little about myself. I'm a bi male that loves women so much that i sometimes like to act like and be treated like one. When I was a young child I remember fake being sick to stay home from school so I could sneak some of my older sister's old clothes without getting caught. I would put on old dresses and swim wear, and it felt right.
When I was 18 I spent the night at my best friend's house. By the end of that night I had given my first bj, and my anal cherry was popped. For fear of ridicule no one knew of my crossdressing tendencies, nor my bisexuality.
A few years later I met a girl had a child, got married. I had been honest with her about my sexuality. She said she didn't have a problem with it. But a couple of months after the marriage ceremony she broke it off, saying she knew I was going to be unfaithful because I was queer. I was faithful she was scared.
Divorce paid it's toll. I was celibate for 4 years. During this time I would buy women's clothes to wear late at night. Fearful for anyone to find me out and past judgement. I would drive towns away to buy dildos to calm my urges. Most times back then I would use them then throw them away within a week. Wouldn't want my daughter to accidentally find anything that was considered not normal. I lived like that for the better part of a decade.
Then I met another woman. Fell in love. Told my secrets, she excepted me. We got married. Even had 3 somes to help my urges. We even went out all dressed up, make up the whole nine yards. Life was good.
Then the universe stepped in. Lost my job when jobs were hard to find and ended up on the streets. 6 years on the street makes it hard for a man to keep up on the matainence to appear like a woman. It was devastating to my mental health. At the time I felt more comfortable in my skin when had a skirt or dress on, Feminine purfume and shaved legs. Didn't even have a mirror to pluck and shape my eyebrows.
Now I've been off the streets for a few years. Got a decent job, but the same old fears are there. The homelessness has left it's mark. Still married but the love has gone. I care about what happens to my wife, but I am afraid that the tolls of the past 10 years in the end would leave me resentful. My wife in coping with how our life had gone had started drinking. I felt I couldn't stop her from drinking herself to sleep when we were sleeping on the ground. I haven't drank alcohol since before the homelessness. Well with drinking comes arguments. And believe me there has been some bad ones. But it was one night a year or so ago my wife asleep, drunk taking up the middle of the bed. Causing me to lay on my side back against the wall and the only place to put my arm is around her. She didn't want me holding her in her sleep and she yelled and told me to stop. So I went and slept on the couch. And that's my bed still today. She doesn't want anything from me. Has said that we won't have any intimacy because it's been awkward. She's been with several other men over the last decade that we've been together, and I feel it's over.
I have a beard now, which keeps me from being my true self. And now I'm here to get my nerve back, to be the woman i wish I was born as.
Well I think that is enough rambling for one day. I hope you enjoyed the story of my life. Hopefully I will get some feedback on this. And if anyone wants to know more just ask. Peace and love all you beautiful people.

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