Unleash your sexiness
So, I’ve given a few pointers on here over the last few months and I never claim to know it all or to suggest they’re the only way of doing things – that’s for you to figure out yourself. But, I have to say, I do really enjoy passing on what I’ve learned and hopefully someone out there will find it useful. We’ve talked about hair, shoes, underwear, control pants, makeup, all sorts of things and each one of these is part of tying the whole thing together so you feel fabulous, confident and sexy. That’s what it’s all about.
But we all know there’s so much more than just what’s on the outside. The first thing I’m going to share with you today is something that you might not even believe. People often tell me “You’re the most confident person I know.” The funny thing is, I never know how to react to that because…. IT’S NOT TRUE!
I’m actually not that confident at all! I’m riddled with anxiety and self doubt and I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m just pretty good at painting over it. You see, once my armour is on, I feel like I can do anything – but I’m not invulnerable. Underneath it, if something doesn’t quite feel right or go accordions to plan, I’ll still be a bit of a mess on the inside, but it won’t take me long to remind myself that you hold you chin up (or chins, plural, in my case) and get on with it and serve them the goddess they’re expecting to see. In other words: Fake it til you make it! The funny thing about confidence is that you can actually fool yourself into believing you have it and once you’ve found some, it’s there. You just need to find that spark and nurture it so it can grow.
Now, confidence doesn’t mean being a prima donna and being mean or rude to people, quite the opposite. If that’s what you think confidence is, you’ve been looking at the wrong people. Confidence actually comes from being nice to people. Plus, I was always taught that it’s nice to be nice – and it is! There’s a buzz you get from being kind to people and it’s pretty infectious! Confidence is about being nice, kind and compassionate but strong enough to not be walked over or taken for a ride. It’s also about knowing when to say no. We all know someone who’s so nice and kind that they get walked all over or taken for granted and they end up being timid and miserable. Part of having confidence is knowing yourself enough to know when you need to pull it back and take care of yourself. Saying no doesn’t have to mean being rude or selfish, it’s sometimes about self preservation. It’s knowing when you’re over stretching and need a little rest before you get back out there. If you like to feel useful then remember, you’re not much use if you’re exhausted. Plus, exhaustion has a way of shifting our mood into negative territory. Think of confident people – you don’t often see them cranky or rubbing their eyes. That’s because they know when to dial it back. Confidence is about looking after your own health and wellbeing as much as anything else.
The other great thing about being kind and helpful and doing something for someone else is that it adds to your feeling of success. You’ve done something right, you’ve done something good, so what else can you do well? The sky’s the limit. Always look for a new challenge. I’m not talking about climbing Everest or anything, but if you try a load of little things, you can have a run of success and when you’ve got a list of little achievements under your belt, it all adds up to your own personal success story and you’ll feel more satisfied. And satisfaction builds into a relaxed, easy form of confidence when you realise to yourself “I CAN!”
Something that can damage your confidence is if someone says something that upsets you or if someone makes a joke at our expense. Believe it or not, everyone has something they don’t like about themselves, even the people we thing are perfect. Trust me. I’ve known many ‘perfect’ people who are jam packed full of issues. ‘Perfect’ is a lie. It sounds like a cliché, but clichés exist for a reason. I hide my flaws with humour. As I said in my piece about ‘finding my funny’, comedy is scary. However, I learned that the power comes in making a quip about myself, as that’s not likely to offend someone else. It’s also a really good way of masking an insecurity. On one hand, it could be that the best place to hide something is in plain sight or that by making a joke about it yourself, you’re taking ownership of it and diffusing any comment you might think anyone else was going to make about it. Think of it this way: A joke (or even an insult) is only really good for one shot at a time, so imagine it’s a gun with only one bullet. Yeah, this is sounds like a daft analogy, but work with me on this because it’s true. If you grab it and fire it first, it’s no use to anyone else and isn’t a threat anymore. Obviously, don’t rip yourself apart, but if you can laugh at yourself for just a moment, it makes it pointless for anyone else to have a pop and actually throws an air of confidence off. It can take a little practice, but done in the right way, it can work wonders. Once again, if that spark of confidence starts to appear, it’ll grow!
Next up is posture. If you can, try to hold yourself straight, shoulders back a little, chest out a little. Be more statuesque. No one’s ever feel confident slouching. Again, this is a total cliché, but also again, with good reason! Not only does it help you take a deeper breath, which is going to make you feel more energised, you’ll be breathing in confidence with each breath in no time!
Posture also links nicely into the next item – what you’re wearing. Yes, I know I said it’s not all about what’s on the outside, but if you’re wearing something you like, regardless of what anyone else thinks of it, you’re going to feel better. Plus, I don’t even just mean clothes. A lucky accessory, favourite shoes and a dab of your favourite fragrance can really help you get into the zone. In fact, fragrances can have a really strong impact on confidence. I used to have a ‘power fragrance’ that made me feel like I could do anything, so if I had an interview or something special or important to be at, I’d spritz it on and I was ready to brave anything.
Next, a brief one: SMILE! It’s so simple, but confident people smile more. Not a deranged, crazy smile or a smug smile, just a gentle, pleasant smile. Not only does smiling work muscles that release happy chemicals (yes, you can force this sometimes) but smiling also makes us look more friendly and approachable. A smile can make a world of difference.And finally, I’ve heard this same piece of advice, worded in many ways from many different people over the years and it can be a tough one to let sink in, but the more you can get your head around it the better. It’s so important that it’s getting its own line so it stands out and you can really take it in, because it’ll change everything:
Other people’s opinions of you are none of your business.
That’s right, you can’t please all of the people all of the time, so don’t even try. As long as you’re kind, friendly, comfortable in your own skin, happy with your achievements and can look after yourself, you don’t need to worry about anyone else’s opinion. Happiness and confidence are not found somewhere else, they’re found within you. And there’s nothing wrong with taking the time to find them. That’s part of looking after yourself, by the way. With boosted confidence, you’ll be more able to release your inner sexiness – that’s another thing that’s already inside you too. But that’s a conversation for another time…
So, these are my basic tips to finding confidence – what are yours? I’d really like to hear what you’ve got in your arsenal when you need a boost. Sound off in the comments and let’s build each other up a little. And as usual, stay safe, stay sane and stay…. Vidalicious!
