BACK AT ONE --- AGAIN!

mshannah

I have been in long term relationships and I am a mother of 3.


I have dated a few honest men but knew they were not in it for the long-term; only great while it lasts -- and I end it as soon as I get the message because I do not want to waste my share of investments in the relationship.


I do not beat around the bush; never a gray area.


***There was a time I had to be with someone so that I can detach myself from another -- because I was too intoxicated with the other that the someone is the only sensible way out of my dilemma.


I tend to play safe and go back to exes or past acquaintances/dates when I need to refill -- familiarity and trust help me relax.


Almost got married the past year; but am so glad I didn't!


How in the earth did I end up single at this age?!
Hahaha!


I knew since I was 12 that I will never get married and it is fine with me; but as time goes by, I think I have to plan for when I finally find myself alone and gray.


I'd rather be alone in the end than be with someone just for the sake of companionship.


Love is not a fantasy --- it is a choice we make and put our efforts in; and it is eternal --- that is why it is very rare.


For us here, let's face it, we know that we need more than just the physical euphoria -- we also need the emotional security which we cannot satisfy; but where do we find it?


Honestly, I found it here almost 30 months ago!
I got spellbound; intoxicated by it.


As happy as I was, I cannot have it; it was already taken.


Some might say, "oh, yeah, we've heard it before -- you became the mistress."


But, no, I was not.


I honestly knew we were both helpless.
I know he can read this because he is still here.
Maybe he is still lost being stuck where he is.


***He was the someone I had to detach myself from that I had to be in a relationship with someone so I will feel unworthy and dirty and unloved that he will have no choice but to hate me. It was a choice I clearly made for myself because I need to let him go.


I tried to move on after that.


Got myself a man who wanted to marry me and I was contented.


Until life reminded me of the life I am born into and how different it is to this man I am supposed to marry!


Oh, crap!
Everything started crumbling down!


And now, am back here!
Hahahaha...


So, you see, guys: in the end, we cannot keep living a life full of lies.


We are who we are; we must learn to accept the reality of things.


If we keep denying ourselves the truth, we will keep going in circles.


So here I am, single again.
Making peace with the man who gave me peace.


And trying to make sense of what I need to do as a woman in terms of being single and dealing with dates and maybe considering a business-like / give-and-take sexual relationship with just one long-term fubu.


Let me figure it out and get it straight first.
Hahahaha!


THANKS FOR READING MY LONG REFLECTION.


I hope we all find time to figure ourselves out.


It helps to know where we came from ---
so we can understand where we are now ---
and to hopefully prepare for where we might end up.


Good luck to us all...

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