Need honest opinions

austellechr23

I have what is probably a sexual disorder, mental health irregularity that spawned suddenly 2 years ago. My girl at the time was being ruthlessly mean and suddenly and by coincidence just so happened I became aroused. Not because she was being mean, it just happened at the same time, but when it did I suddenly sexualized the mental anguish and it fed itself to where I suddenly told her, for the first time in 10 years to keep mistreating me while I went down on her, kissed her feet, anything subservient to a person who I should have been standing up to...I gave her the power to treat me awful while I took it and pleased her. Now I did not cum, purposefully because I wanted the pain of blue balls and the humiliation of getting no reciprocation. When I jerked off to the memory days later, afterwards I suddenly felt the most forceful shame for how I acted, and vowed it a fluke that wouldn't happen again but a seed was planted, one that grew into an I insatiable need to be humiliated sexually to more and more extremes...and in every encounter I'd be doing something where I allowed another person to crush my self worth for their gratification and then never got off myself so as to cement the fact I was only to be used in any way by someone and did not deserve the return most expect. Suddenly, women mistreating me became common and no mental anguish derived..so, being a straight male who's every instinct is based in the belief other men are competition that I have to make seem less masculine and less appealing to other women, and a lightbulb went out over my head. What would be more anguishing than to give my pride, masculinity, and my power to another male by allowing him to do what he wanted to me right in front of my girlfriend. How awful, how painful...I was in. The trouble is finding another straight male that is confident enough with himself and his masculinity to engage in an act that might compromise his self-view, his fear of being labeled gay even though he's not. My argument to whatever guy that was considering it was that I was straight too, and this was not about attraction, that I was not enjoying it and would only get off days later recounting the pain and suffering I endured, and after masturbating I then feel sick about myself, yet that feeds it too. I had one guy so far that was actually cool and open minded enough to see what he was getting out of it, 1) a bj or mouth fuck whenever they wanted 2) the pride and confidence that's achieved when you've literally forever conquered another straight male, solidifying dominance and boosting ego. All that happened was he fucked my face, and that's bad enough but he added humiliation to it by grabbing my hair on holding my head in whatever angle he wanted to feel, he would showboat and pose to make more apparent what a joke I was, and the grand act, he came in my mouth but continued for what seemed like forever, thrusting as hard as he could to the back of my throat now using both my saliva and his first ejaculate as the lubricators until he came again, to which I swallowed, but then acted as if I spit it into the sink. I was tramautized, and I'd asked for it. It took four days to turn the painful memory into a maso sexual memory I got hard from thinking about. I can't stop, and don't have a lot of takers as you can imagine. I would like to have a couple use me in the same way together, bringing them closer through the act of using a third without having to please them in return. It's important to mention, I feel, that I don't act meek and subservient, I am there to have my pride broken and become a still prideful but broken man, and that's important because nobody wants to have their experience exploring their selfish and even sadistic sexual side, ruined by a guy acting like there is no pride to take..I am quiet, take orders like a military soldier, and am stone faced and emersed in a situation where I give my power to others for their experience solely. I don't even get hard until days later. I don't like physical pain, it's pointless and sophomoric when mental pain is what is sexually stimulating to both parties involved. Question: am I warped? Is this wrong? I feel like it hurts no one but me, and would like to hear genuine, honest answers. Thank you

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