Never became a man part 1

I always think back on that day. I keep imagining all the different ways it could have been. I keep playing it over and over. What if i? Why didn't i just?  I feel my body shaking with emotions running wild and just as i feel that i cant take it anymore. It hits me hard. Reality!!! I take in a deep breath. Relax, i tell myself.
My heart rate begins to calm, I stop sweating, i open my eyes and there she is. Starring back at me. 
  I had just turned 18. I was excited for life. I graduated high school, i was hired to my 1st job at a clothing store. My parents bought me my first car. Life it self was going my way.
  I was never big on dating. I was this known as the skinny pale skin sissy boy a school. I had a couple of friends, but even they probably questioned why we were friends. I had 1 girlfriend my whole life but that only lasted 9 months and ended badly. I lost my virginity to her. While all other teen boys bragged about losing it. I was the complete opposite. Dont get me wrong. It wasnt bad at all. But it wasnt gr8. As the man i guess its my fualt it wasnt mindblowing. Shortly after she dumped me and that was that. 
 Growing up i never ever considered or thought myself of being gay, sissy, fag or anything like that. I remember going to the store with my mom, there was this slim gay man trying on women's shoes. And was being confronted by 2 other men. Cussing and trying to intimidate him. " faggot" "bitchass"  "this is a place for families" get out fucking gay fag" i remember Thinking to myself why would anyone want to be gay and go through this harrasment.  The slim man just went about never raised his voice never apologetic never giving them any satisfaction. When we left the store my mom brought up the situation. And told me that all men and women are free to live life as they desire. Everyone deserves happyness baby, Remember that!! she told me. I never forgot that day or the slim gay man. Looking back on that day and many other days i spent time with Moms and my sister. I believe mom always knew me better then i new myself. My sister patricia i called her patty is my older sis. We are born 11months apart and everyone called us the irish twin. We have many similar  traits and 1 obivious not so similar. Patty was always and still is my best friend.  she protected me from bullies and anyone trying to fight me. 
 As kids we played anything from house to baseball, from dress up to Gi joes. We were always happy palying together. Didnt matter what it was. Just as long as we did it together. 
 Ok lets jump foward to the present. Its friday its my 18th birthday and my parents are throwing me a party. I never asked for a party. I hate parties i hate large gathering of people. Always did still do. I was surprised with the amount of people that showed my friends, my sisters friends, cousins family neighbors. Its was a really gr8 turn out. I would have never guessed that on this night of celebration and festivities. i would meet the man who would keep me from never becoming a man.
 
  

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