My Identity: Truth? Lies? Or an edit?

LeelaDeda

Happiness for me has been always just a little out of reach. An awkward upbringing with no father figure and a few step in fathers that were less than qualified has stunted my social growth. I mean that could be all bullcrap, I'm not exactly a psychiatrist, but it's something I ask myself. Am I lying to myself, sabotaging my own happiness. Is that the truth and I'm being honest or am I editing myself. Not taking responsibility for my own life choices, or lack of. 

I'm tough on myself. I am kind. I try to smile and make others smile. I'm empathetic to others emotions. Yet I hide my own. Hide my pain. Suppress myself in the idea that if I reveal it I am attention seeking, or I'm going to hurt those I love with my truth, or is it my truth. 

It's no secret to myself that I am messed up. Sure ”baggage” ain't the thing that will get me likes and messages, but it's what I have. 

While I can fake it; (or edit my image so to speak)I am shy. I overthink everything. I am so very nervous. I am an introvert in life who wants to come out and play. I'm not sure of anything and I tell myself am I lying to myself. For not accepting I'm this. Is this me being honest and I am happier as this. Or am I cobbling together memories and emotions trying so so desperately to interweave an identity, any identify, just to feel like I belong. 

I label myself as a Sissy right now, and even then I don't know if I belong enough to use that term. (or even if that's the correct term for what I truly am) 

I have crossdressed ever since I was very young. I matured in a less than stable environment that I feel shaped my sexual identity as a sissy. I don't know if I can trust my feelings, my emotions or even my resurfacing memories. 

I don't know what I want or who I am. I want to believe that it will come together, I want to know me. Love me. Give myself a hug and say ’this was you all along’.

I want to use these blogs to tell my story, even if it seems to me sometimes a lie, or a carefully constructed edit of who I am to hide unresolved issues. Because God knows I can't afford, or even know if I want or need psychological help. Because by committing my feelings, my emotions, my fantasies my perversions, my loves and my dislikes. That it might just be the truth to who I am xx 

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