Let's Talk About Asexualism
2:48 pm Tuesday, 7th January, 2020
There's a difference between libido, sexual desire, and sexual attraction.
Some asexual people feel that they don't have a sex drive at all, but many do. It's just that it's not directed towards any particular person or gender. Some asexuals describe arousal as a biological urge, just like hunger, which they're happy to deal with on their own. And those who masturbate might describe it as something relaxing, rather than something overtly sexual.
Many people falsely think that asexuality is the same thing as celibacy or abstinence.
Abstinence and celibacy are choices — asexuality isn't. What's more, asexual people might not actually abstain from sex at all. As mentioned earlier, some asexual people do have sex.
As with homosexuality or bisexuality, there's no underlying "cause" of asexuality. It's just the way someone is. Asexuality isn't genetic, the result of trauma, or caused by anything else.
Some people's capacity for attraction can change over time.
Just because an asexual person felt sexual attraction before doesn't erase their identity now. It's still valid!
Similarly, some people might identify as asexual and later feel that they experience sexual attraction often. This doesn't mean that they were never asexual, or that they were wrong to identify as asexual. It can simply be that their sexual orientation changed over time.
Although there isn't a test you can take, there are questions you can ask yourself to evaluate your desires and see if it aligns with common asexual characteristics.
This may include:
There is no "right" or "wrong" answer here, but these questions can help you think about your sexuality and whether you may be asexual or not.
Ultimately, you should use the identifier(s) you're most comfortable with. Only you get to decide whether you identify as asexual or not.
The way you define your sexuality, orientation, or identity is up to you. If you decide not to use any labels to describe yourself, that's OK, too!
Can you imagine having absolutely no interest in sex? Sexual attraction is a desire to engage in sexual activities with a specific person of any gender. The majority of the population feel some sort of attraction, however, for a tiny percentage of the population, they do not feel any form of sexual attraction, this sexual orientation is known as Asexualism.
So while asexual people don't experience any sexual attraction, that doesn't mean that they can't experience other forms of attraction though!
Other forms of attraction they can experience:
- Romantic attraction: the allure to a specific person who you want to partake in romantic activities with.
- Aesthetic attraction: the pull or allure to a specific person for their looks or their style.
- Sensual or physical attraction: wanting to touch, hold or cuddle someone.
- Platonic attraction: wanting to be friends with someone.
- Emotional attraction: wanting an emotional connection with someone.
They have a libido or sexual desire, but it's void of sexual attraction
There's a difference between libido, sexual desire, and sexual attraction.
- Libido. Also known as your sex drive, this is about wanting to have sex and experience sexual pleasure and sexual release. For some people, it's a little like wanting to scratch an itch.
- Sexual desire. This is the desire to have sex, whether it's for pleasure, a personal connection, conception, or something else.
- Sexual attraction. This involves finding someone sexually appealing and wanting to have sex with them.
Asexual people DO GET aroused/masturbate/have fantasies
Some asexual people feel that they don't have a sex drive at all, but many do. It's just that it's not directed towards any particular person or gender. Some asexuals describe arousal as a biological urge, just like hunger, which they're happy to deal with on their own. And those who masturbate might describe it as something relaxing, rather than something overtly sexual.
It isn't the same thing as celibacy or abstinence
Many people falsely think that asexuality is the same thing as celibacy or abstinence.
- Abstinence is about deciding not to have sex. This is usually temporary. For example, someone may decide to abstain from sex until they get married, or someone might decide to abstain from sex during a difficult period in their life.
- Celibacy is about deciding to abstain from sex, and possibly marriage. This could be for religious, cultural, or personal reasons. It's often a lifelong commitment.
Abstinence and celibacy are choices — asexuality isn't. What's more, asexual people might not actually abstain from sex at all. As mentioned earlier, some asexual people do have sex.
There isn't an underlying 'cause'
As with homosexuality or bisexuality, there's no underlying "cause" of asexuality. It's just the way someone is. Asexuality isn't genetic, the result of trauma, or caused by anything else.
They may have experienced sexual attraction in the past but no longer do. Their asexual identity is still valid
Some people's capacity for attraction can change over time.
Just because an asexual person felt sexual attraction before doesn't erase their identity now. It's still valid!
The same is true for people who no longer identify as asexual
Similarly, some people might identify as asexual and later feel that they experience sexual attraction often. This doesn't mean that they were never asexual, or that they were wrong to identify as asexual. It can simply be that their sexual orientation changed over time.
How do I know if I'm asexual?
Although there isn't a test you can take, there are questions you can ask yourself to evaluate your desires and see if it aligns with common asexual characteristics.
This may include:
- What does sexual attraction mean to me?
- Do I experience sexual attraction?
- How do I feel about the concept of sex?
- Do I feel the need to be interested in sex because that's what's expected of me?
- Is sex important to me?
- Do I see attractive people and feel the need to have sex with them?
- How do I enjoy showing affection? Does sex factor in?
There is no "right" or "wrong" answer here, but these questions can help you think about your sexuality and whether you may be asexual or not.
Ultimately, you should use the identifier(s) you're most comfortable with. Only you get to decide whether you identify as asexual or not.
The way you define your sexuality, orientation, or identity is up to you. If you decide not to use any labels to describe yourself, that's OK, too!
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