Dirty Airline Humour

SiteAdminChaz

What's the difference between a teacher, a nurse, and a flight attendant in bed?
The teacher will tell you, "I'm gonna teach you how to do it and then we'll going to go over and over it until we get it right."
The nurse will say, "I'm gonna do it slowly and I promise it's not going to hurt."
And the flight attendant will tell you. "Put it over your nose and mouth and continue to breathe normally."




A man is flying from Los Angeles to New York. During the meal service, he accidentally knocked the spoon off to the aisle with his elbow. The flight attendant immediately took a spoon from his pocket and placed it on his tray table. The man was very impressed by the promptness of the service and asked, "Do all flight attendants carry a spoon in their pockets?"
The flight attendant answered, "We had an efficiency expert in to evaluate our operation. He determined that 25% of the customers knock the spoon off their tray tables. By carrying a spare spoon, we all save trips to the galley and can be much more efficient."
Later, as the flight attendant is picking his dirty tray up, the customer asked, "Excuse me for asking but why do you have a string hanging from your fly?"
The flight attendant replied, "The efficiency expert determined that we were spending too much time washing our hands after we went to the bathroom. To counteract this, we tie strings to our penises."
The customer looked confused. "How does that help?" he asked.
"Well, when I go to the bathroom 1 just use the string. Since I never touched myself I don't need to wash my hands."
The customer nodded and asked, "But how do you get it back in your pants?"
The flight attendant smiled, "I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon."




A new flight attendant was summoned to the office of the head of the training program for a severe reprimand. "I heard about the episode on your first flight, Miss." said the director, glaring over the top of her eyeglasses. "From now on, whenever a passenger feels faint, I'll thank you to push his head down between his own legs."




A woman calls 911 to report a naked pilot on her front lawn. The 911 operator says to the woman, "OK, I understand there's a naked MAN on your lawn, but if he's naked, how do you know he's a pilot?" The woman answers, "Well, he's wearing a big watch, has a little dick, and he's trying to steal my USA Today..."




Q: What's the last thing a pilot's wife does before sex?
A: Drops her husband off at the airport.




Q: How do you make a flight attendant cum with one finger?
A: Press the flight attendant call button.




On a passenger flight, the pilot comes over the public address system as usual and to greet the passengers. He tells them at what altitude they'll be flying, the expected arrival time, and a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight.. Then, forgetting to turn off the microphone, he says to his co-pilot, "What would relax me right now is a good cup of coffee and a blowjob."
All the passengers hear it.
As a stewardess immediately begins to run toward the cockpit to tell the pilot of his slip-up, one of the passengers stops her and says:
"Don't forget the coffee!"

• Add Comment