Hello, I’ve never written a blog, nor am I a skilled writer of prose. However I thought, I might try this for the sake of understanding and learning about myself.
I've always had cravings and desires for "alternative" sexual activities. Unfortunately I grew up in a world of guilt and repression. It took years of unlearning and therapy to get over all of that. I was far from alone and my desires and fantasies were actually not especially unique. Of course, I was almost forty before this enlightenment.
I am a sadist as a dominant player, and I don't call myself a Dom or Master. I am a Switch. In my sexually dominant persona, I need a submissive who is into receiving pain. I need to inflict pain to enhance and maintain my state of arousal. Finding a partner compatible and consenting to this is somewhat difficult, especially as an elder citizen.
It took many years to accept my sexuality and I keep on stumbling upon new aspects all the time. A former spouse introduced me to anal sex, as in being toyed with and pegged. It worried the hell out of me. Did it mean I was gay? I use to think that was a negative thing and had very homophobic reactions to the idea. Relax y'all, I figured it out. I've come to believe that sex between consenting adults has nothing to do with gender or the rules set by others. Sex should be about pleasure and whatever creates that pleasure. Sex is mental, physical, and spiritual. It is also about faith, trust, and truth if you wish to have an ongoing successful relationship. Consequently, I have no bias for or against any sexual or fetish play. I have preferences and there are some things I wouldn’t do but I never judge someone else activity negatively.
But I digress a touch. What I realized from that first anal episode was I loved it! (Oh the guilt!) My journey really took off when I realized it was all good. I began exploring further with the "submissive" side of my self. I still don't think I could be someones servant but I really enjoy being placed in bondage while my anus is toyed with, carefully stretched, and pounded with a dildo. I really love it if I'm pegged hard and deep with a dildo, especially when it is attached to a reciprocating saw. I enjoy, while bound, having my urethra probed and stretched. Curious to me in all this play is that I love the use but it doesn't get me especially aroused. I think what clicks for me psychologically and pleasurably is that I am an object for someone else’s pleasure. The same goes for CBT, however, this form of activity recently provided me an insight to the pain/pleasure dynamic. I am greatly aroused by the administration of pain to others but I also get aroused by receiving pain. What a surprise but it shouldn’t have been! Every coin has two sides. But now this is an area I need to explore further as I have no idea where or how far I can ride the "pain train". It also tells me that I likely have the capacity to submit fully to another but I just don't know.
All of my exploration has been as a straight heterosexual man, but I find I am curious about bi-sexuality. At least, as a sexual activity anyway. I don’t have or feel any attraction to men. I ponder this because of my anal use fetish. Further, if there was any fantasy I would love to realize, it would be a gang bang by ten, twenty, or more men; the bigger the cocks, the better. A “r-word fantasy” I suppose.The very idea of getting stuffed by all those cocks and filled to overflowing with cum dripping down my balls and cock is mind boggling. However, the rub is how do you find a multitude of clean STD free men who would really get off on this kind of gang bang? Crazy eh?
So that brings me to the biggest issue I have yet to resolve. Where do I find a compatible person(s) to fit my kind of kinkiness and my age? Along with my need/want of a pain submissive, I want someone who wishes to serve and/or tend to my every need. Talk about fantasies! Maybe I am not just a switch. Perhaps I need a mother figure who doesn't smother or boss but sexually dominates me and enables and facilitates my proclivities? I just don't know but would surely like to figure it all out.
