Back to Blogging...But First, Where Was I?

Someone messaged me saying that my blogs are being missed. Believe me, I have missed writing my naughty thoughts down, too.


It might appear that I've been quiet in the past year. The truth is that I have had my meets, not just to engage in adult fun, but also to move on from a long distance relationship that just didn't have the chance to thrive.


We met here on the site, and amidst a fiery exchange of naughty messages, he expressed a desire to be committed as my beau. I didn't think it was possible, as I was just not the type who would let anyone get close to me. I guess, after a long time, I found the courage to open my heart and soul to someone.


At first I thought that our LDR setup was what would provide a neutral ground to tame the demand to forge a romantic yet whirlwind of a relationship while allowing us to meet others to satisfy our physical desires .


But to find a happy balance between a still-floundering lovelife and a swinging lifestyle? It came with a set of challenges.


To be honest, I found it impossible for me to be celibate. I needed to be here to escape the demands of my personal life (career and family responsibilities). Turned out that he hated the fact that I even had established a history of encounters here. Well, what did he expect? He was dating a unicorn!


We wanted love but we also wanted to be open for adult fun. We considered that we would play with others as a couple. However, looking for partners proved difficult (thanks to my being super selective). On top of that, I hated the side convos he made with the females. He was only interested in FFM, but I wanted to go with MMF as well.


On hindsight, I guess that if we didn't think about being exclusive early on, then we could have better learned how we could respect individual needs in terms of being here on this site. Being apart because of our distance only sharpened the hunger for sex, and it needed to be satisfied. I, more than him, needed to play.


While working overseas, he started to communicate less and less. Missed my birthday, Christmas, New Year, and Valentine's --- I was starting to think I was taken for a ride. Naturally, we began to drift apart.

I thought of how we could have worked things out, but we just didn't know how. I ended up coming back here to cope. As much as I had already perfected the skill of detachment while having fun with playmates, my emotions ached. There were times I so longed that it was HE who I was with between the sheets. 


As insane as it may sound, my missing him was partly filled by my being with others. Strange, isn't it? In a previous life in the real world, I would have called this total bullsh*t.


Being the object of desire came easy as I met with people to play, but damn it...why did it feel like he didn't desire me that much? Wasn't there enough resolve to cross the physical distance or overcome the busy-ness of daily life for him to be with me? And yet, he spoke of pain in his heart so great it weighed upon him like a rock on his chest.

We hit an impasse, then stopped speaking to each other. Later on, he asked me about giving it another try. Sadly, we didn't know what to make out of the situation anymore. I couldn't stand his emotional absence, and he couldn't understand why I still remain here (when what I wanted to do was cope). And then there was that bothersome lack of effort in his part to stay in touch with me, as well as his choice to keep tabs on me through here. We had half a dozen tools to chat with, but we were not even friends on social media.

And just like that, the embers finally died.

I have known him intimately as a person. I miss him still, but DAMN IT, it's time to move on. Honestly, I wish he can still see me as a friend (with benefits, perhaps), but it's best that he learned to detach. A lifelong friendship may still be possible, right?


Part of me wants to laugh while writing this. Clearly, something deep inside of me broke down. But I'm not here to heal, much less look for a rebound relationship. 


I can leave that broken mess outside the bedroom, to indulge that part of myself that wants to play, have fun, be creative, and be impulsive.


Without dreams and fantasy, unicorns cannot continue to exist.

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