What the hell am I even doing here?

Dirtyfreddy

I sometimes find myself wondering what the hell I'm even doing here. 
Most people who know me (or at least think they know me) would consider me to be a thoroughly nice man. In fact, despite my failings as a husband, on the whole I think I AM a thoroughly nice man. I generally put others first. Nothing is too much trouble. I'm not selfish, am moderate in my habits, try to treat others with respect.
BUT, of course there is a but, theres always a but....
As we all do (?), I have a secret self. A secret self that likes to tie people up, spank them, order them to do perverse things. A secret self that doesn't just settle for fantasising and maybe wanking over some fetish porn, but lives out those fantasies...or tries to at least. I really didn't appreciate how fortunate I once was... had a sub, 15 yrs my junior, lived locally, was married and hence super discrete. But alas nothing stays the same and here I am, hoping to recapture what I've lost, or at least find an alternative way to satisfy my darker needs.
So maybe I'm not as nice as I'd like to think?
Unfortunately however, it has been some time now, around 2 yrs since I have had the opportunity to vent my secret desires. 
I have been looking. Mainly on sites like this, but without much success. 
It seems that Women are in a minority here. I'm not sure why the actual ratio is (25-1? 50-1??) , but there is definitely lots more men here, and of the women who ARE here, many are  also looking for women, or couples. Some are offering professional services (fair play to them but not my thing) and some are looking for subs. 
Of the remaining women, many are fakes, I get SO many attempts to scam me from laughably obvious fakes. There must be some VERY stupid (desperate?) men on here to fall for some of these but they must work sometimes or why would the scammers bother? 
Which means the remaining genuine women must get absolutely swamped with offers and my profile, my voice, is just one in a cacophony of voices, all shouting me, me, ME.
So, how to stand out? Well it seems that married, middle aged, overweight perverts are NOT in high demand here, who knew?!
I should probably abandon my search. It would be the decent and sensible thing to do but something drives me on.
I know she is out there somewhere. A submissive woman, probably middle aged, maybe married, who wants an occasional outlet for her need to be dominated but isn't looking for commitment or drama.
So I shall keep looking. For the time being at least.
And you dear reader, if you've been patient enough to read this self indulgent drivel this far, thanks, and good luck. I hope you find what you are looking for.

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