Music and musings: The last time I felt like this

"Hello, I dont even know your name, but I'm hopin' all the same
This is more than just a simple hello.
Hello, do I smile and look away? No, I think I'll smile and stay
To see where this might go."

It's been awhile since life has gone smoothly for me. Matter of fact, I've become so attuned to eating stress for breakfast and spewing out regurgitated fuck ups in time for dinner. In between I'd be slurping overly caffeinated frou frou fancy drinks from overpriced coffee shops without batting an eyelash as I navigate negotiations, reports and designs. I was comfortably numb in my rut and I couldn't be less impervious. I got so used to the chaos and madness, I no longer rant about it. It just is, what it is.

Then out of nowhere, you happened. I did not plan for you. You caught me off guard without a warning. You were like a rainstorm in the middle of a summer heatwave. Pleasantly surprising yet soothing all at once. And damn heluva alarming too. A force to be reckoned with.

Looking back, I knew the exact moment when I became sure of you. Long before I knew your name, I was drawn to you. I remember laughing uproariously at 2:50AM because of your answer to a very random playful question I jokingly asked. And from then on, I just knew.

You terrify me. Because I don't understand how you can affect me in a way no one else can or have. I feel so raw and exposed. Like you can see right through me and I have no choice but to confess to you everything I've ever done in my boring life. How I stole gum when I was five years old but an inner small voice told me to return it because it's not mine. How I cheated off an especially tough trigo test because I was so scared to fail. How I kissed someone else when I was still in a relationship with my now ex. How I allowed a guy to beat me black and blue because I was too weak to walk away. And how I used to get a kick out of dangling guys I have no intention of keeping for the sake of my ego. Damn I'm perfectly imperfect and unbelievably selfish, stupid and stubborn. But this is me. And I'm quaking in fear that who I am will never be enough for you, for anyone.

Having you is also a new degree of calm amidst the butterflies swarming in my stomach. You are my now. My serenity. My peace of mind. You make the blood in my veins sing a soulful melody that lulls me to a safe haven. I love wrapping you in a warm embrace and listening to you fall asleep. I love hearing your manly snores as you succumb to a deep slumber that many would be envious of. One flash of your smile and the world stops. You take my breath away every damn time you smile.

The last time I felt like this was never. But I was once young and clueless. This time, I will not fall in love with you. I will walk through this wonderful journey of discovering what role you'll play in my life. I promise to always fall in awe with all of your quirks and uniqueness. I promise to allow you to grow in readiness and not pressure. I promise to shine my light in your darkness. And as we open ourselves to each other more and more, I promise to say we got this even if we have no clue if we do. I have faith in you. I got you. 💕

"Cause the last time I felt like this, I was falling in love,
Falling and feeling, I'd never fall inlove again.
Yes the last time I felt like this, was long before i knew
What I'm feeling now with you."


 

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