The Question - So Now What?

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I've spent many years through to my thirties believing I was straight and heterosexual. Then came the divorce and for the first time, I started to assess myself . This led to realising that I was gay… and I liked it. “Ok, so now what?”

While my life moved on – the more I tried to suppress the various urges, the worse they got. Until one day I snapped and bought some lingerie, I found some much needed release. It pretty much stayed that way for several years. I found the need to wear women’s clothing a sexual gratification for the lack of intimacy in my marriage and an emerging fetish. My ex-wife had stripped me of my self-worth. That was the catalyst for questioning all of the social conditioning since my birth. To build someone new requires breaking down all that was there before right down to the foundations and restarting.

Hindsight is great in helping you connect the dots of your life. After the relationship ended, I fought against accepting being Steph until another of those defining moments and I asked the question once more, “Ok, so now what?”. I started slowly, just letting Steph have a moment here and there, although it felt different this time and I knew it! The answer has always been there, the internal voice that spoke to me when I needed comfort and support. The part of me that I’d been neglecting, suppressing, and the part of me that was a fragmented individual got my attention. All I really need is to share my life with Steph. Together, we will be stronger, happier, healthier, and a better human being. Now I understand worth isn’t in the perception that others have in the clothes I wear or material possessions, but simply in me liking the reflection in the mirror and in my compassion for others.

I have so very much to learn, and practice, for the outward appearance but I am already at peace with two complementary persona. I know where I want to travel, but I also need to consider those who have helped me throw off my beginnings and nurtured my fledgling desire even if it has caused them heartache. Time will tell how quickly I next need to ask myself “so now what?”. Lots of self-reflection has helped to see how the disjointed parts of my life have finally begun to merge in a way that makes some sense.  This is who I am and I will proudly walk this path forward and deal with the consequences that inevitably will come as a result of it. I like the person that I am becoming and I don’t ever want to deny any part of myself ever again. The future will only continue to allow me to evolve into who the person I am supposed to be. I will never stop asking or growing as I forever ponder on “Ok, so now what?”

Steph

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